What is everyone on your social media feed up in arms about today? Right now, it's this:
If you're out of the loop as to why an actress is running a shady snake oil empire, it started years ago when Paltrow launched Goop, a lifestyle brand selling overpriced bullshit to women. Knowing the placebo effect is a thing, her site started selling these little stickers you put on your skin that rebalance your body's energy frequencies that will magically heal almost anything that doesn't show up on an x-ray, from pain to insomnia to hangovers.
But it was the claim that these were made from the same material as NASA space suits (famous for their ancient healing magic) that caused Gizmodo to reach out to NASA for a comment. No, they are not made from space suit material and yes, the disposable stickers are $60 for a set of 10. In response to this, Paltrow simply removed the space suit wording but kept selling the stickers.
Do you fantasize about skinning people and eating them alive? Then this cute little RompHim is just about right for your taste level. What better way to express "I want to wear human flesh like a onesie," than the image of North Korea's brutal leader plastered on tight, crotch-enhancing fabric. The swimsuit, with its sexy curves and stark print of Donald Trump's highly detailed and shiny face, makes a bold statement. That statement is, "I like to collect teeth and bits of human hair."
You may think that Mattel deserves mockery for their decision to include a man bun Ken in their new line of dolls. The truth is that they didn't go far enough. They really need to up the man bun-ness by a factor of ten. This doll needs to reek of sandalwood to the point of toxicity. You should be able to bend his arms and fire man buns out of his head at a rate of 20 mbps. He needs to speak when you push his man bun with prerecorded phrases about his trip to Ecuador. I want to be able to unscrew his head and squeeze his body until pomade comes out. Don't man run away from the man bun, manbrace the man bun.
State fairs have always been a thin pretext for cramming horrifying garbage down our gullets. One way for us to express our self loathing is to concoct eldritch food amalgamations, such as the "Pizzarito," which is what happens when a pizza and burrito have unprotected sex during a cultist meeting and give birth to the antichrist. However there's a simple honesty to the "Bowl O' Dough," an unabashed serving of raw cookie dough. No cute portmanteau name, no obscuring the reality that you've completely given up on being human. Simply shovel mounds of cookie placenta into your cavernous jowls, the light of sapience in your eyes dimming as you embrace the abyss.
It's heartwarming to see the online community taking such an avid interest in marine biology. A group of scientists explored Australia's eastern waters, bringing back many fascinating specimens. Among them is the peanut worm, an elegant creature of considerable length and girth. It earns its name from its peculiar behavior: contracting into the shape of a peanut when threatened, and probably when cold. This little critter has captured the imagination of the public, as we contemplate how it must look in its natural habitat, gracefully undulating through salty waters, navigating through stiff tides. No doubt the harsh conditions of the deep sea is hard on this little guy, but it's amazing how life erects itself in even the most unforgiving environments. This is an amazing day for science. Also, it looks like a penis.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.