You go fishing through a keyhole, you're bound to catch a boot.
Let's put all of this butt stuff into context. For most of his adult life, Louis Armstrong was a yo-yo dieter: He'd lose an immense amount of weight, gain the weight back, lose it again, and so and so forth. He achieved most of his dramatic weight loss through a constant use of laxatives, particularly Pluto Water -- a brand of mineral water with bowel-loosening side effects. However, it was hard to transport and even more difficult to find whilst out on the road. At a loss for a new way to give his wind section some oomph, Armstrong stumbled onto a new product called Swiss Kriss.
How does it work? According to the man himself, the first time he used Swiss Kriss resulted in something that "sounded like applause" and forced him to crawl back to bed when the performance was finished. Yeah, we prefer his earlier work in that regard.
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If only he had discovered sugar-free gummy bears.
Satchmo was hooked. Before starting his Swiss Kriss regimen, he was the heaviest he'd ever been. Within one year, he'd lost 100 pounds. So many fans wrote to him asking for his secret that he had to have custom-printed cards made up of him with his cheeks touching porcelain. This wasn't a paid sponsorship by the way, which is probably the same dedication that made him one of the best musicians of all time. Have you ever loved something enough that you decided to spread the word by sending pictures of you spreading your cheeks? Louis Armstrong did. And that's why he was the greatest.