If your product makes consumers feel like they're vomiting out their soul, it's back to the drawing board. While this lesson seems obvious, it was lost on the following companies, whose recent headlines seem less like manufacturing snafus and more like war crimes charges ...
#4. Apple's iOS 7 Makes People Sick, Literally
With every new Apple operating system comes the inevitable swarm of people ready to tell you why it's the worst thing this side of Hitler. But the new march of dissent for Apple's iOS 7 has an interesting twist to it -- it's been making people physically sick. Why? Because every time you access an app, your iPhone turns into the freaking Twilight Zone intro:
Then Siri starts talking like Rod Serling from beyond the grave.
If that almost made you reacquaint yourself with your lunch, you're not alone; there's an entire help forum devoted to people encountering feelings of nausea, dizziness, and headaches from the OS' obsessive need to counter every action with a flying zoom. It was enough to give some people a case of vertigo, while others apparently lost entire workdays to sickness.
"Why didn't you call in!?!"
People tried everything from going back to the old OS to removing every app from their folder in an effort to reduce zoom opportunities. Luckily for all afflicted, Apple eventually added a "turn off this madness" option.
#3. Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears Are Magic Beans for Poop
Here are some words you'd expect to find on the review page for a candy on Amazon, if you're the kind of freak who reads reviews for candy: "tasty," "good size," "nice package." Here are some words you probably wouldn't: "NAPALM," "Chocolate Rain," "Tastes Like Regret."
"And I looked, and behold a pale throne: and he that shat upon him was Death."
These are just some of many amazingly entertaining Amazon reviews for Haribo's Sugarless Gummy Bears, which have apparently become synonymous with bowel-rupturing sprays of torrential diarrhea powerful enough to drown the eternal kings of Mount Olympus. While the most recent reviews are clearly exaggerated (in the proud tradition of sarcastic Amazon reviewing), even the very first ones from 2006 mentioned gastric turmoil apparently caused by the key ingredient of Lycasin, an artificial sweetener/anus fire simulator.
The company has yet to pronounce itself on their product's newfound fame as a competitor to ex-lax, but honestly, at this point the best thing they could do is collect all these reviews in the most perfect bathroom book ever.
#2. The New Dell Laptop Smells Like Cat Pee
When browsing for a new laptop online, most people pay attention to details like how much memory it has or which fancy new video card you'll be wasting on low-quality porn videos. Well, here's a new specification to look out for in the future: amount of cat piss smell. If you doubt that's necessary, check out the Dell Latitude 6430u -- a device that has now been recalled after customers complained about the distinct waft of cat piss its keyboard inexplicably emanates. How the stench got there, we're not sure.
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"Hmm, this looks kind of expensive."
The official explanation is that a "manufacturing issue" caused the smell, but what the hell does that even mean? Exactly which part of the construction of a computer involves smearing anything close to feline urine on one of the pieces? Anyway, Dell finally issued the ridiculous cat piss recall and insisted that there is no immediate health hazard to typing up your resume to the smell of salty cat water at your fingertips.
#1. Sriracha Sauce Is Like Delicious Mustard Gas
No college dorm is complete without a perpetually unrefrigerated half-squeezed bottle of Sriracha hot sauce somewhere in the common space. However, it turns out that this magic spicy goo-solution loses its exotic appeal when you're forced to inhale it like a death fog -- which, according to a lawsuit, is what's happening to the good people of Irwindale, California. The folks there have been enjoying the sauce through every pore and orifice like a satanic spa treatment, courtesy of a nearby Sriracha plant.
No wonder their logo is a giant cock.
The strong chili stench has been afflicting residents with sore throats, burning eyes, and aching heads if they spend too long outside. The last resort was a citywide bid to shut the factory down, a plea that has since been denied by that notoriously spicy-food-loving Los Angeles Superior Court. But hey, at least they can all rest comfortably huddled in their makeshift hermetic coverings knowing that their stinging existence is for a greater and more delicious cause.