At a whopping six and a half pounds, the first hands-free phone needed a harness to strap it to the poor woman tasked with answering calls about steam engines and bow ties or whatever people talked about back in olden days. Looking at the eyes of the woman below, you can tell that her job choices were wearing this thing or trucking her goods over to the local whorehouse.

via Collectors Weekly
Either way, her back ends up screwed.

As hard as it may be to believe now, these ungodly contraptions were once considered a convenient way to create efficiency and speed for the women working in the field. They even had their own crazy old-timey version of a mobile desk, which was absolutely enormous:

Popular Science
At least she didn't have to Flintstone foot it while simultaneously typing.

It's almost as if she were an exhibit. Not only was someone paid to sit in this mobile cubicle for hours on end, but someone else was paid just to push them from room to room. And not even in like a fun rolling chair war kind of way. What happened if she needed to take a restroom break? Did ... did he wheel her to the door? Did he wait outside the door? Did they ever take one of these bad boys out on the road? There are too many questions.

Clearly, businesses were all about maintaining momentum and keeping their employees working as long as humanly possible. Another device used to promote efficiency was the headlamp. Not for coal miners or firemen but ... government record clerks.

Popular Mechanics
"Hey, girl. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you seriously have a circle of light on your head ..."

The light hats were meant to allow the women to see in the dark government warehouses that held records. Officials realized that replacing the lights in the facility would cost a crazy $20,000, and decided to go ahead and not do that. Because fuck lights, it seems. Instead, they would make their clerks walk around with permanent halos, because filing is the Lord's work.

Eventually, they would perfect the bendy arms, but the helmet would grow to inconceivable proportions until the wearer looked like a shiny metal Mr. Peanut with a dangerous infectious disease:

via Popular Science
The trowel was in case you wanted to get some space gardening done.

The suits would continue to evolve over time, finally settling into a design that closer matches what we know today. But before we set our sights on the moon, we had our eyes on vacuum tube assembly. And then we quickly realized that the giant bubble suits used to keep vacuum tube assemblers safe while on duty could double quite nicely as moon-walking suits. Or so NASA hoped when they snatched up the design and set to testing it out.

via PBS
This was also the original lineup for the Village People.

Perhaps the serious lack of mobility led engineers to get a little creative and a lot desperate. At one point, they decided to attempt a new spin on the space suit idea by providing arms and legs that the wearer could place their limbs into for normalish mobility while still having the option to roll around like a giant gerbil.

via PBS
It also doubles as an analog Jurassic World prototype.

Those snazzy outfits date back to World War I, and must have been top-notch equipment at the time. Check out those protective goggles! But again, this was just one version of this incredibly important gear. Around the same period, soldiers wore actual suits of armor or helmets that would have looked right at home at a Five Nights At Freddy's cosplay event.

Harvard University Library
"I've come for your soul."

Each new version is just a bit more lifeless and unsettling than the last. Which, come to think of it, isn't the worst battle tactic.

Harvard University Library

Harvard University Library
The detachable padded silk almost made you feel like you weren't dressed like a samurai beekeeper.

By the time World War II rolled around a few decades later, things had gone in a very Predator-esque direction:

history.amedd.army.mil
This almost feels illegal.

This suit was meant to protect pilots in flight. Various versions were tested with and without metal armor (but let's face it, this is all metal as fuck) before the designs were ultimately dropped after the they were deemed unnecessary.

Those were straight-up called "slappers," and they were used to replace dangerous nightsticks throughout the Indianapolis police force in the early 1930s. The boards were made of rubber, so as to minimize the danger received by the slapee. They were said to have been invented by the city's chief of police, who honestly should have known better.

Two years later, in 1935, a different bulletless offensive alternative was derived from a glove rigged up to a portable battery. This early taser rendition looks as dangerous for the wearer as it does for those on the receiving end.

bpdthenandnow.com
Photographed moments before he tragically noticed his unzipped fly.

It was intended to be used to subdue riots in the most humane way possible ... which seems impossible, by the looks of that miserable thing. It was said to be able to produce up to 5,000 volts of electricity, which does sound humane when compared to our modern 50,000-volt versions. But those are meant to be nonlethal, so we fail to see how these vintage versions were much more than a tickle. And yet there was a nifty switch that was only to be flipped in the most dire of situations in order to allow those high voltages to flow. And the inside of the glove was supposed to be insulated to protect officers from murdering themselves every time they did their damn jobs. But this whole thing looks like a giant bowl of "No, thank you" to us.

In a further attempt to humiliate the boys in blue, Chicago's early riot shields were giant metal moon man cutouts on heavy casters that an officer would wheel around in front of him when he needed to ambush a building or something. But did they work? You bet your bloomers they did. They tested those suckers with a point-blank bullet, because people used to be fucking insane.

bpdthenandnow.com
Because science.

In the same city, in the same era, officers decided those in need should have the ability to immediately identify a member of the force the moment they saw one. So they outfitted their cars with giant neon signs emblazoned with the word "police" in bold capital letters.

bpdthenandnow.com
Actually, this one's kind of cute.

Before digital photography, smartphones, or even the halcyon days of the Polaroid camera, traveling photographers and especially reporters had few options when it came it to delivering engaging photos on the quick. To speed up the process of developing film by hand, photogs took their entire lab on the road, often wearing every last bit of their equipment on their backs as they performed their duties. This was meant to allow the photographer to get a jump on rival picture takers by giving them the ability to process their photos the instant they were taken.

Popular Science
No waiting!

These bobblehead helmets were intended to keep stewardesses' intricate hairstyles safe from the rain whilst walking from the airport to the plane. But the fishbowls were tossed after a month of use, because they had a tendency to crack and were also completely unnecessary. Unnecessary to any reasonable human being, at least. Which Pucci clearly wasn't, given another of his lines was dubbed the "Air Strip," and required the attendant to remove articles of clothing during the flight.

Braniff Airlines
"No, baby ... Leave the helmet on."

Behind every awful movie is the idea for a good one. Old man Indiana Jones discovers aliens. Good in theory, bad in practice. Batman fights Superman. So simple, but so bad. Are there good translations of these movies hidden within the stinking turds that saw the light of day? Jack O'Brien hosts Soren Bowie, Daniel O'Brien and Katie Willert of 'After Hours' on our next live podcast to find an answer as they discuss their ideal versions of flops, reboots, and remakes. Tickets are $7 and can be purchased here!

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