5 New Technologies That Look So Needlessly Evil

5

The Navy's Firefighting Robots Look More Likely To Set Them

Robots are a natural fit for hazardous tasks that most sensible humans would prefer to avoid, like going into combat, or talking to your children. Fighting fires also belongs on that list, so it's perfectly understandable that the U.S. Navy has designed two of them (named "Octavia" and "Lucas") to assist in suppressing shipboard blazes. That makes sense. It does not make sense that they gave them faces, much less permanently set those faces to "malevolently bored."

US Navy

Even worse: The horror-doll siblings don't merely roll (they're perched atop modified Segways) into a fire scene, squirt some retardant about willy-nilly, and return to their nooks, never to be seen by human eyes again. They're meant to interact with people, via "a booming voice," and visual recognition technology that "algorithmically computes how to handle discordant or contradictory information." So you can't even kill them with a paradox -- mankind's only surefire weapon against robots!

4

Bat Bots Are For Construction (Of Nightmares)

When reports begin to surface that the federal government is investing big money into the development of "mechanical bats," certain questions need to be asked. Such as, "W-why?" and "Is there any way we can get you to stop?"

Oh, but there's a perfectly good, official explanation for this atrocity that shouldn't concern you in the slightest. According to the National Science Foundation, they're for supervising construction sites.

Ramezani/Chung/Hutchinson/Caltech

3

Tesla's Charging System Wants To Violate Your Car

When you really love a car, it's more than just a machine. It's your steed. Even ... your friend? And who doesn't want to watch their friends being unceremoniously probed by robots, every single time they turn the lights off in the garage?

Tesla Motors

This disturbingly flexible roboner is actually a fueling system. Fresh from the broiling termite mound that is Elon Musk's brain, Tesla is offering a home charging station for electric cars that, for no explainable reason, doubles as Transformer pornography.

The concept is simple enough: A robotic tentacle maneuvers into position, so that it makes contact with the charging point on the Tesla. However, as tech insiders have pointed out "it's unclear exactly what problem this solves," since many Tesla owners could actually plug a thing in themselves. No, the only explanation for this invention is some engineer's perverse desire to make machines that violate other machines.

Tesla Motors

Tesla Motors

2

A Terrifying Combat Droid To Do Your Household Chores

Boston Dynamics is responsible for a number of alarmingly terrible automatons. But normally, their metallic horror bots are intended for the battlefield. Now they're working on offering the public their very own domestic abomination -- purportedly to help out with household tasks.

Boston Dynamics

A miniature 55-pound-version of their DARPA-friendly Warhound, this ghastly horse-skull-headed hyena-droid runs for about an hour and a half on a single electrical charge, and is remarkably quiet as far as cybernetic hell beasts go. It comes equipped with a "variety of sensors, including depth cameras, a solid state gyro and proprioception sensors in the limbs." All of these assets work in concert to make SpotMini a friendly lil' robot helper around the house, one that can do things like "slowly doing dishes, careful not to crush them with superhuman strength."

Boston Dynamics

1

Countries Are Developing Swimming Robot Snakes For ... Uh ... Maaaaintenaaaance ...?

A Norwegian company with the not-at-all-Bond-villain name "Eelume," has designed a functional mechanical snake. Finally! Because that's what snakes needed: enhanced armor. It's purportedly designed for "inspections and repair," which absolutely explains the pitch-black scales and glowing malevolent eyes.

Kongsberg Gruppen

Kongsberg Gruppen