"And for the 1,008th consecutive time, the house where we put all the evil kids comes in last. Next year, ya lil' shits!"
But for those of you who thought this delightful fantasy series needed more pointless arithmetic, the folks over at Pottermore crunched the numbers on the House Cup. That's how we know, for example, that the four houses received a cumulative total of 430 points in Chamber Of Secrets and lost ten. Meanwhile, no points are awarded in Goblet Of Fire and Deathly Hallows because, respectively, murder and wizard genocide don't set the mood for trophy-giving ceremonies.
On the first book, they deducted a point every time the Al Pacino character said "fuck."
When it comes to teachers, Professor Snape is obviously the biggest dick, taking a total of 287 points. The single biggest deduction, surprisingly, belongs to Professor McGonagall after she fines Harry, Hermione, and Neville 50 points each for wandering the school's corridors at night. On the other hand, the most generous teacher is Dumbledore, who gives 400 points to Harry and Ron for saving Ginny from the Basilisk -- an award which pretty much guarantees that students started throwing their fellows down there for easy points.