Children's movies have the ability to let us escape to imagined worlds full of enchanted characters, distracting us all from the craphole that is reality. Unfortunately, all of those movies were actually made in said craphole -- meaning that when you strip away the layers and layers of special effects, what you're left with is often surprisingly off-putting.
We've pointed out that Hollywood blockbusters look hilarious without the CGI, but when you limit that exercise to kids' movies, the results suddenly go from "whimsical backstage tomfoolery" to "mescaline nightmare." For instance:
Space Jam -- Michael Jordan Gets Groped By Green Ninjas
Only in the '90s could the film adaptation of a sneaker commercial featuring 50-year-old cartoon characters and a career non-actor somehow become one of the most beloved children's movies of the decade. Yes, Space Jam captured the imagination of every kid who was kind of into basketball, but secretly wished it was played by grotesque humanoid monsters.
Warner Bros.Look at that thing. Hideous.
Behind the scenes, though, things were decidedly less magical than you'd think. Instead of a cartoon wonderland populated by iconic characters, Michael Jordan spent most of his time on a soundstage, wrangling with green nightmare people.
Warner Bros.The meaning of his expression changes from "Can you believe this wackiness?" to "Call the police" from one photo to the next.
Jordan had to imagine he was interacting with Bugs and Daffy while contending with a sea of masked stagehands getting all up in his business like drunken frat boys. Without the cartoon graphics, this is a movie about Jordan being stalked by festive St. Patrick's Day body condoms.
Warner Bros. This is from the famous scene where Jordan dribbles as four pairs of floating eyes follow him.