"Homoeroticism? In Top Gun? That is such a filthy idea that we must all go shower together immediately."
The crazy thing is that the Pentagon's gamble absolutely worked. The movie caused military enlistment to spike and even coincided with a jump in their national approval in polls. When it's all said and done, thanks to Pentagon "assistance," Top Gun is little more than a sexually confused piece of badass military propaganda. Why did director Tony Scott go along with it? In his words, "I didn't have a vision of what I was doing other than just doing soft porn ... I got the guys to get all their gear off and their pants and sprayed them in baby oil." Actually it sounds like he totally had a vision, there.
Man Of Steel: Immigrants Who Hang On To Their Culture Are Evil
Wait, again? Yeah, for as liberal as Hollywood claims to be, lots of blockbusters are built on plots involving xenophobes getting proven right.
"We're gonna build a wall around the Phantom Zone and we're going to make Zod pay for it!"
Man Of Steel is in many ways a war between two types of immigrants: the "good ones" who keep their head low and learn to speak American, and the sinister ones who obviously do everything they do just to spite you. A huge chunk of the movie deals with Superman attempting to learn American/Earth ways and morality (as taught by Kevin "Tornado Rider" Costner), but he is always aware that he is still an outsider. To honor his adoptive father's ridiculous sacrifice, Clark Kent does everything he can throughout the film to prove that he's an American and "one of us."
When forced to choose between his "native country" (Krypton) and his new home, he sides with Earth, fully demonstrating the depth of his devotion and assimilation. He even goes so far as to claim "I grew up in Kansas ... I'm about as American as it gets."
You can tell he's from Kansas because of his laser vision.
Conversely, General Zod and his cronies are aliens who refuse to assimilate and even have the nerve to flaunt their cultural heritage. Their most evil act is when they try to take a chunk of our planet and turn it into a version of their own -- just like those shifty immigrants with their noisy neighborhoods.
Eventually, Superman manages to kick out all of his evil countrymen except for Zod, leaving Supes no choice but to murder the guy before he has a chance to hurt (or worse: impregnate) some white people. The Economist notes that the movie's immigration message was so on the nose that an entire "Superman is an immigrant" movement has popped up online.
Sounds like a lot of sneaky immigrant talk to me.
Fortunately, the next film corrected all of this when all-American Bruce Wayne realizes he and Superman's mothers have the same first name. We're actually not sure how that parallels the real world, unless it's supposed to serve as an object lesson in not waiting until the last minute to finish your screenplay.
Jordan Breeding is a part-time writer, a full-time lover, and an all-the-time guitarist. Check out his band at http://www.skywardband.com or on Spotify here.
Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.
On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.
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