While they haven't been able to figure out who he was yet, the sheer fact that so many people have spent so much time making sure that this mysterious suicide victim isn't lost forever almost makes you forget about the other horrible things that come out of the internet. Almost.
And as we'll see next, sometimes the internet actually delivers ...
Benjaman Kyle Was Found in an Alley With Total Amnesia
One morning in 2004, a Burger King employee ambled out to the dumpster to discover a naked man lying on the ground, his body filthy with fire ants. Presumably muttering that she doesn't get paid enough for this shit, the woman discovered that the man was not dead and he was immediately taken to the hospital. When he came to, he was determined to be in good health, apart from his formic accessories. Oh, and he had no fucking clue who he was.
We love telling you all the time about how stupid you are for thinking that movies reflect real life in any way, but in this case, it's straight out of a crappy Fox pilot.
Even this looks like a promo headshot.
The man had only the tiniest fragments of his former life, remembering time in Denver and Indianapolis, his birthday, and the fact that he was pretty sure his name was Benjaman (with an "a," which sounds like a superhero with all the powers of a Benja). Other than that, he was a ghost. When several attempts to stab him failed to produce any hitherto unknown martial arts skills, doctors were forced to conclude that he wasn't a disavowed government assassin, making Ben a nonetheless fascinating, if somewhat less awesome, mystery.
Ben was shuffled around to different hospitals and shelters, becoming an administrative nightmare since he had no identity, much less insurance. He eventually adopted the name Benjaman Kyle -- or BK, in honor of his ersatz birthplace (we're assuming he started wearing a crown everywhere, too). Ben contacted his senator, who got the FBI involved, but fingerprints, DNA tests, facial recognition software, and searching old federal records turned up ... well, you know the drill.
Georgia Bureau of Investigations
The National Mustache Registration Bureau had no records of his whiskers, either.
However, once again demonstrating the immeasurable power of a bunch of people with nothing better to do, the internet came to Ben's rescue. Ben started a Facebook page to try to find his family, which eventually caught the attention of genetic genealogists. People all over the country submitted DNA profiles and family lineages to try to find a match ... and it worked. Eleven years after Ben woke up in a Burger King parking lot, a close relative took a DNA test and confirmed that the two were related, and Ben said that he reunited with his family soon after. He has chosen to keep his true identity a secret, which leads us to believe that he may be a superhero after all.
When he's not writing John Deere/Jane Doe fanfic, Chris writes for his website and tweets.
For more mysteries fit for a Robert Stack narration, check out 6 People Who Just Friggin' Disappeared and 5 People Who Vanished Mysteriously (And Appeared Awesomely).
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