People have been losing their minds for all of history, but it wasn't until the dawn of social media that people's breakdowns could be easily broadcast to all the world in real time. As luck would have it, a whole lot of those public displays of insanity have come from celebrities. Apparently, when you're rich and famous, you run out of real things to get mad about and start going ballistic over ridiculous things.
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Shrek was a very solid all-around children's film which managed to bring in a ton of top-name talent, such as Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy, to elevate the story. You'd think that Smash Mouth would be honored to be one of the first things that people associate with Shrek, but if you were to tweet that opinion, the band would find you and yell at you. They've been scouring Twitter for over a year looking for people who don't seem to remember that they had written songs other than "All Star," or that "All Star" originally appeared on the soundtrack for a completely different movie.
"You ain't the sharpest tool in the shed."
It's like they think Shrek hindered their name recognition or something. Nobody has held this kind of a grudge on something that did them good since ... man, it's hard to think of examples of being mad at something that brought you money and fame.
"You're looking kind of dumb with your finger and your thumb in the shape of an 'L' on your forehead."
And look at the dates on those responses. It's like they've got an intern whose job is to find tweets about Shrek and alert them so that they can formulate replies. Or worse, they're doing it themselves.
"I need to get myself away from this place."
You can practically feel Steve Harwell banging his fists on his desk, crying into the keyboard and shouting, "Two Number Ones! Two Number Ones!" This entire campaign of musical self-defense hits the same two talking points over and over: that they had half a dozen hit songs, and that they were all-stars before the movie came out. Six hit songs for a 20-year career is a lot, you guys.
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Once upon a time, giant leather handbag and occasional trivia question Jose Canseco was a famous baseball player. He's in Sega games and everything. However, he has never been skilled at speaking, so it was to the chagrin of people everywhere that he figured out how to bemoan his failed relationship on Twitter.
"Yes, I've been hit in the head with a ball. Why do you ask?"
Leila and Jose dated on and off from 2011 to 2014, when it seems things got so bad that Canseco turned to internet dating. No, he didn't make a Tinder account like a normal person. He shouted into Twitter to see if any of his followers felt like getting married that instant
A whopping six minutes later, Canseco remembered that he had almost met Shania Twain one time, and, in baseball terms, decided to "swing for the fences."
"M4F You, a Canadian country/rock crossover artist. Me, a stark raving lunatic."
Canseco continued his cyber Cinderella search for days, eventually becoming so desperate that he started offering green cards to anyone looking for a way into the United States, which many of you might also know recognize as "a crime." Oh, and he apologized for that Shania Twain tweet, three days later.
"I'm kidding ... unless you want to?"
Leila eventually took Canseco back, giving him the wife he'd always wanted. If you're kicking yourself for missing that golden opportunity to marry a former baseball star in the death throes of his fame, just keep an eye on Jose's Twitter feed. We're sure he'll be looking for another literal partner in crime eventually.
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There are two major types of people who watch reality TV: folks who watch to feel some false sense of superiority, and folks who need a place to direct a bunch of pent-up anger from their high school years. Jason Biggs is a perfectly Frankensteinian combination of these two groups, and he's chosen The Bachelor as the target of his bizarrely intense hatred. Specifically, he goes bananas at the contestants, as if he's never done anything stupid on film.
Juan Pablo's daugher was seven at the time, in case you were wondering.
He doesn't stop there. He's all about critiquing the appearances of these contestants who are looking for love, as if being too insecure to talk to members of the opposite sex wasn't the plot of the movie that shot him to fame.
It's not just a weird fascination with teeth that sets him off, either. He crossed out of the realm of Shitty Guy Rating Women At A Bar and into the realm of Guys Who Complain In PornHub Comment Sections.
Which would explain the mustache.
One or two nasty tweets might be enough to condemn Biggs as an asshole, but this behavior is so common for him that we're starting to think the guy has some real problems. The Bachelor shows no signs of getting cancelled anytime soon, so Biggs could continue this until the end of time. He doesn't even take a break during The Bachelorette, taking time to complain about the men vying for a lone woman's affections. He even has zero compassion for a contestant who died.
Sadly, his account is still alive.
Good thing he has that blue verified check, or some impostor could ruin his image by tweeting something crazy.
Airplane security is tighter than ever. However, Russell Crowe strongly believes that his hoverboards should be exempt from scrutiny, which might be the greatest sentence ever written.
Crowe was super angry that his family was unable to bring their hoverboards onboard a presumably packed holiday season Virgin Australia flight. The airline did respond to Crowe to apologize and offer an explanation, but Crowe wasn't having it:
"How could you not telepathically know my entire family would be bringing exploding skateboards on an airplane?"
Not one to hold a grudge, Crowe proceeded to rant about this hoverboard incident for days, ultimately allowing his frustrated rage to deliver some varsity gibberish.
Is he speaking from experience on these?
Hopefully, hoverboards will someday reach the lofty standard set by Marty McFly, and Crowe and his loved ones will never need to set foot in a plane again. Virgin would probably feel relieved.
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Dan Harmon is responsible for some expertly-written comedy, so when he states an opinion about lyrical construction, it's probably mostly valid. Oh, and disagreeing with him about those opinions on Twitter is a great way to set him off.
The highly-nauseous elephant in the room there is that Harmon is very likely a recovering alcoholic, and he immediately confessed that this tweet had reached him at a time of weakness.
That's fair. If Harmon had noticed a trend of people making comments about his alcoholism and it was impacting his ability to keep himself on the straight and narrow, we'd agree that warrants a tweet like this. It doesn't, however, warrant the tirade that Harmon proceeded to go on.
"I wish I could parlay it with an over/under bet on his penis size."
The offending tweeter tried to remedy the situation by apologizing to Harmon publicly multiple times. There's no such thing as a good apology over Twitter, but it's not like the guy is Harmon's next-door neighbor. He can't exactly leave a fruit basket on the guy's doorstep.
Harmon, for his part, didn't give a shit.
That one's actually pretty deep.
It's worth noting, however, that this haunting tweet came after hours of belittling the guy and his mother.
The yo mama joke you can only get from an Emmy-Award-winning writer.
Harmon finally took four deep breaths and put down the phone after inciting his followers to beg him to stop spiraling deeper into crazytown. Maybe we should all be thankful that Harmon's Community firing didn't happen online.
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Twitter is, unfortunately, rather flush with little bots. These accounts can tweet all sorts of nonsense, and it doesn't take a genius to make one. One of these not-geniuses, a guy named Forrest, has created one of the Twittersphere's least-technical but most influential bots, @assbott.
Originally designed to troll Trump supporters throughout the 2016 presidential primary season (a job it did quite well), @assbott ended up fighting an unlikely target: Blues Traveler.
"Sorry, I was looking for a different group of angry fedora-wearers."
You'll notice that @assbott's statuses make just enough sense for John Popper to think someone's screwing with him, but not quite enough sense for it to be real. Erring on the side of "It's not like I have anything better to do," Popper began to engage with a Twitter bot -- which, we feel the need to reiterate, is named @assbott.
Eventually, @assbott must have attained sentience and learned to feel bad for the poor guy's confusion, so it tried to out itself to Popper.
Is ... is he bragging about his mastery of insulting computer programs?
The next morning, Forrest himself tried to explain the situation to Popper, only to realize that trying to communicate with him is almost as bad as trying to get @assbott to pass a Turing test.
"Oh ... so this is what it feels like to get unending gibberish replies ..."
"John Popper can't win an argument with a robot" probably isn't the revelation any of us were expecting from 2015, but it's the one we got.
All Carolyn's tweets are rants.
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