Everyone uses social media only because everyone else uses social media. This includes the famous everyones. All famous people have PR reps who tell them they should talk to non-famous people, and the best way to do that is on things like Twitter and Facebook and Instaquad and Pintaqueef and so on forever.
The problem is, once all the filters are taken off, we're left with the terrifying knowledge that the only thing separating us from those we idolize is the number of zeroes on our paychecks. If nothing else, social media has given us plenty of evidence that celebrities are just as existentially confused as the rest of us.
7Dave Matthews' Twitter Account Perfectly Symbolizes His Career (Unfortunately)
Matt Roberts/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
If you've never gazed into the folksy-jazzy blue-grassy poppycock abyss of Dave Matthews' Twitter account, you're missing out on a sight slightly worse than that one time in 2004 his tour bus dumped 800 pounds of feces over a bridge onto sightseeing tourists below. You're missing Dave himself dumping metaphorical feces right into your brain tubes. Like Matthews' career, his Twitter hasn't been active since 2010. But in its prime, it was really a sight to behold, the sort of thing that would make Jaden Smith jealous of its non-sequiturs and general incomprehensibility.
The most mind-blowing part are the words "no pot."
Did any of that mean anything at all? Was Dave on medication? Was this code to let us know he was being held against his will, and we all failed him so he's actually been dead since 2010? We'll probably never know. Or maybe this will clue us in:
Thirty-one people saw Dave Matthews saying, "Hello," and thought,
"Oh, hahaha, that is priceless. Oh my God. Gotta let the world know."
That was definitely code for something, but more than likely it was a message to the guy who supplies Dave with mescaline and canned air, rather than for fans or authorities. His final posting in 2010 was just a link to this video that depicts what happens when animation software falls into the hands of people who know what gasoline tastes like.
That was the last we heard of ol' Dave. We'll probably never hear from him again. Oh well, next.
6Samuel L. Jackson Can't Take Selfies
Jason Kempin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Sam Jackson is famous for being a bad motherfucker. We hear he may have a wallet that confirms this. He's also gracious enough to share his em-effery with us on social media, and for that we will always be grateful ... as soon as we figure out what's wrong with his camera.
"I don't go on camera unless I'm being paid. Even my own."
Sammy J. shares a hell of a lot of selfies to let his fans know where he is and what he's doing, but the thing is, he's either the worst selfie taker in the history of that stupid word or the absolute best in a sort of subversively meta awesome way that our 3D brains can't comprehend. If it was one or two pics, you could chalk it up to hasty photography or a mistake, but he's got dozens and dozens of images that are all the same:
Thank you, sir! My friends would never believe I met ... a forehead. Fuck."
Notice a pattern here? Jackson is like Waldo in every one of his photos, just peeking out from the side or the corner. It doesn't seem to matter where he is, when it's taken, or what he's doing. It's like even cameras are afraid of him. We would pin this on Instagram's software not knowing what to do with pictures that don't depict overpriced food, but it also happens on Twitter:
It's entirely possible Jackson and his phone just met and neither understands the other at all. Either that or this is the single greatest joke Jackson has ever conceived, and he laughs each and every time he posts it the way your dad used to laugh when he farted in the car on a hot day.