Picture the worst morning breath you've ever smelled. Now picture corpse morning breath.
You know how this ends. As a result of this impromptu zombie attack, Sigurd's leg became horribly infected, and after what we imagine were days of unbelievable agony, he died. If there's anything that we're taking away from this story, it's that a) toothbrushes are for the weak and ill-prepared, and b) old-timey warfare was so messed up we'd call bullshit if we ever saw anything like this on Game Of Thrones.
Gouverneur Morris Shoved A Whale Bone Up His Dick Hole
Although you don't know the name, you've read his work. Gouverneur Morris was the guy responsible for writing a significant portion of the Constitution, most notably the parts that told slave-owners to fuck off. Like most group projects, however, he was soon overshadowed by his lazier contemporaries, except in one area: stabbing his own dick to death from the inside.
Not a euphemism for anal play.
Oh, you might want to prepare yourself if you're toting a penis. As much as the internet loves to mock trigger warnings, here's one: Watch out, because your legs are about to twist themselves into a junk-protecting knot that wouldn't be amiss in an M.C. Escher painting.
In 1816, Morris was suffering from a urinary blockage -- as much as he (and his doctors) wanted and tried to resolve the situation, he couldn't pee. Effectively, he had the equivalent of the Hoover Dam inside his urethra and, driven mad with discomfort, he decided that it was time to go a'busting. (Play this as you read the next few sentences.) Taking a sharp piece of whalebone from his wife's corset, he plunged that sucker down his urethra like he was staking a snakey vampire. And he kept ramming and ramming and ramming, until he eventually withdrew, defeated.
via Wiki Commons
One of these. In his pee hole. Repeatedly.
The innards of his junk were so mangled and lacerated from his trip downtown that he looked like he'd instead attempted surgery with a velociraptor. In the end, necrosis first took care of his junk and, eventually, his life.
When he isn't making famous people look like dummies, Adam can be found on Twitter. He also has an email address where you can contact him with stuff.
What's The Best Fictional School To Attend? In the muggle world, we're not given the opportunity for a magical hat to tell us which school we should go to. Usually we just have to go to the high school closest to where we live or whatever college accepts our SAT scores and personal essay. This month, our goal is to determine what would be the best fictional school to go to. Join Jack, Daniel, and the rest of the Cracked staff, along with comedians Brandie Posey and Steven Wilber, as they figure out if it's a realistic school like Degrassi or West Beverly High, or an institution from a fantasy world like Hogwarts with its ghosts and dementors, or Bayside High, haunted by a monster known only to humans as Screech. Get your tickets here!
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