Goldman implies that Fezzik might somehow survive, but since he hasn't been able to get his shit together and finish the story, this is where we leave the Princess Bride saga: with a dead giant and a traumatized infant. If your kindly old grandfather popped by to read that to you, you'd probably beg your mom to put him in a home.
E.T.'s Life Went To Utter Shit After The Movie
It's odd that there's never been a sequel to E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. After all, the classic story of a boy and his alien buddy made buckets of money, and Steven Spielberg has let lots of his other classic films get turned into dumb sequels. The closest we ever got to another E.T. movie was this bullshit:
Still more respectful to the original than Jaws 4.
The Depressing Epilogue:
We've talked before about the E.T. novelization, which turned E.T. into a sexually frustrated peeping tom. Well, it turns out that that creepy book was such a hit that Spielberg OK'd a follow-up novel, for which he helped craft the story. It's called E.T.: The Book Of The Green Planet, and it begins with E.T. returning to his planet ... only to immediately be yelled at and demoted for fucking up so badly on Earth. If that's not bad enough, E.T.'s description of his time on Earth sounds less like the heartwarming story we remember and more like an episode of Cops.
"Oh, and I killed their video game industry."
Eventually, E.T. realizes that life at home blows, and that he'd like to go back to Earth -- which really seems to undercut the whole third act of the movie. Also undercutting the end of the movie: E.T.'s bond with Elliott being ruined by hormones. E.T. continually tries to contact Elliott, using his powers to spell out messages, but Elliott doesn't notice because he's too busy leering at girls:
Yeah, his "knee" hit the table. Sure.
E.T. is worried about Elliott going through puberty, because it means he's becoming "the most terrible thing of all ... Man." (He's gonna kill us all, isn't he?) In the end, it looks like the Earth-bound E.T. is going to die, but he manages to telepathically shoot his soul energy (or something) into Elliott, which inadvertently gives him the confidence he needs to get with the girl he's been lusting after. Look, we're just glad they decided to age Elliott a bit before he got "entered" by E.T. (fanfiction writers are usually not that thoughtful).
Fortunately, E.T. doesn't die, and makes it safely back to our galaxy. Of course, if Elliott thought he had a hard time with girls before, wait until he has to try to hook up while his doddering scrotum creature pal is constantly tagging along.
J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.
Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: To get there you'd have to cross a bridge, sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy. If you fell off, you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael, along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi, and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here, and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!
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