Adam Wears
·
Selling sexual enhancement pills sounds like the easiest job in the world. You take an explosive adjective, throw it on a box covered in naked people, and BAM! It's time to start deciding how to spend your profits.
Except it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes, when you're focusing all your energy on putting out a dubious "sexual enhancement" product, you can't be bothered to design packaging that makes any kind of sense and/or doesn't look like the pictorial equivalent of a ransom note.
We haven't played Street Fighter in a long time, but we're pretty sure no button combination in existence will produce this result:
Stree Overlord Strong
Now you know why Blanka is smiling on the Super Nintendo cover.
Despite being a brand of penile supplements, Stree Overlord has the name and the mastery of English of a shitty Street Fighter II bootleg, and it will improve your sex life exactly as much. The box art, meanwhile, is pure "DeviantArt with the NSFW filters off" (in fact, we wouldn't be surprised if they lifted it from there). Oh, and that's a leg in the foreground, by the way; using Stree Overlord has not (yet) been proven to cause gigantic penises to erupt from the ground like the monsters from Tremors.
But don't worry. They came up with a fake history for their dick-swelling pills which reads like an entry from a middle school boy's wish fulfillment journal:
via Black Ant Herb
This unregulated penis supplement has more plot than Street Fighter V.
The official site, meanwhile, only mentions that Stree Overlord was developed by the prestigious "Shenglong Medecine Biology Research Center" (fittingly, Sheng Long means "Rising Dragon Punch"). At least we can all agree that this is a more respectful adaptation than the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.
Ladies! Do you hate making normal sex noises? Do you want your neighbors to think that you're being murdered on a roller coaster? Do you want orgasms so potent that you'll forget how to spell "orgasms?" If so, good news: iScreams are the pills for you!
Celebrity Lifestyle
Although judging by the photos, this could easily be a powerful laxative.
iScream is what happens when Big Pharma has a graphics budget of $0.50 because they hired Eli Roth to write the ad copy. "It's time to scream ... in bed ..." sounds like the chilling promise of a serial killer. It doesn't get any better when you visit their Amazon listing and discover that it consists of little more than stock photos of screaming women, which only seems to confirm their "violent felon" demographic.
Celebrity Lifestyle
"Hey, this looks like my Pinterest board!" -- a person you should avoid
Sup, bro? How's it hanging? If you said "not sufficiently," then we've got a solution for you! All you have to do is choke down a big penis.
Shenzhen Greenroom Biotechnology Co. Ltd.
Pro tip: If saliva isn't doing the trick, try washing it down with jelly.
It's a crazy, messed-up world when the most honest advertising we've seen in decades comes from the world of shifty pill vendors. There's no misunderstanding of what you get from using Big PENIS. There's no delightful wordplay involving euphemisms like "Solid Oak," or "Iron Rod," or "Dense Pencil." You're getting a Big PENIS. And not just any Big PENIS. No, Big PENIS comes in an austere metallic box that looks like the slipcase for a Terminator 2 DVD, complete with the flag of the United States. Because thanks to Big PENIS, your junk can now be used as a flagpole, apparently.
skeeze / pixabay
Make Big Penis Great Again.
The name "French Ladies" brings to mind elegance, class, and sophistication. The packaging does absolutely none of those things, and indeed, only seems interested in reminding women that vaginas exist. You know, in case they forgot.
Guangzhou Xuanjie Trading Co.,Ltd.
This is what Jack from Titanic's finished drawing would have looked like if he hadn't died.
However, this product does promise users something called "super constrict vagina," which is a phrase that demands further investigation. The words "exiting water" only compound the mystery, seemingly suggesting that this is medication for a urinary tract infection. Let's see how the description checks out:
Via everychina.com
Uh, so this pill makes you spray "vagina juice" like a fire hose for 20 minutes? There's an off switch though, right? Let's keep reading.
Via everychina.com
Because loud, semiconscious moaning is never a sign of excruciating pain or impending death.
OK, so is this a date rape drug? Because it sure sounds like a date rape drug.
To its credit, Big Brother doesn't promise to turn your junk into a monster or transform your sperm into chocolate milk. They're simply good ol' fashioned dick extenders.
Super Generation
"Fun for the whole family!"
It's just ... the name, guys. It raises more questions than these pills ever will penises. Why would you ever call your sex drug "Big Brother"? Did the final name come down to a choice between that and "My Sister Is DTF"? If so, why?
Or perhaps we're misreading this. It's not incest; it's a commentary on the surveillance state and how Big Government (a much better name, to be honest) is destroying our privacy. That would explain why there's a surveillance camera in the top-left corner of the box.
urbansnaps - kennymc / Flickr
"Slower ..."
Seeing as how Daniel Craig has reportedly retired from being James Bond, this'd be a great time for him to capitalize on his smoldering looks and get into the penis pill business. Unless, as God Of War suggests, he already did that years ago.
MMC
Not that this wouldn't be in character for Bond.
We can't blame him. It's a good career move. After all, what other celebrity has the raw sexual magnetism to spearhead their own line of male enhancements?
AFP News Agency
"Obama. Aobama."
That's fucking right: Barack Obama. These pills were recovered during a drug raid in Pakistan, making this the first time he's ever deployed a deadly weapon on a civilian population that wasn't fired from a drone. They could probably do with a rebranding, however. We'd suggest Cum-ander In Chief, and maybe getting some better pictures instead of plagiarizing artwork from a Spider-Man comic.
AFP News Agency, Marvel Comics
We mean, there are multiple pornographic Obama manga to choose from.
And while we're on the subject of superheroes ...
Imagine you're settling down for a night of passionate lovefucking. You dim the lights, pop the champagne, and pull out your tin of African Superman ... only to see your partner's eyes wilt like a penis-shaped snowman in a hot breeze, because until this very moment, they had no idea you were an insane racist.
MMC
"Thanks for the modeling gig! So this is going on some bodybuilding supplements or something?"
"Or something."
Boasting its status as "the best salable product of the world," African Superman aims to conquer your feelings of sexual inadequacy by implicitly promising to give you the ass-crushing fortitude of a robo-diesel black man. And hey, if the relationship doesn't work out, you can keep the reusable tin as a wallet or something, so that everyone you meet will instantly know what a fucking idiot you are.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic ...
The greatest thing about America Superman is that the manufacturers clearly intended for this to be displayed proudly on your mantle, alongside your hunting trophies and collection of woodworking tools.
Ubat-Ubat Kuat Store
And when the pills run out, you can use the can to store Grandpa's ashes.
A dick pill container which gives no indication that it contains dick pills might actually be worse than one decorated with X-rated Street Fighter characters -- with those, at least you know what you're dealing with. America Superman could be a box of stickers, for all we know. Until you open the can, that is.
Luckily, American Superman offers a subtle grammatical distinction that makes these pills doubly patriotic -- and presumably more likely to cause fireworks to erupt from your urethra, judging by their promise of "eternal itch."
Guangzhou Maojie Trade Co., Ltd.
That or they assume the type of sex you'll use this for isn't the most sanitary.
It's also nifty that they managed to synergize this with Man Of Steel.
Guangzhou Maojie Trade Co., Ltd., Warner Brothers Pictures
"YESSSSSSSSS!"
Fantasy Capsules are for women only, which presented the manufacturers with a unique challenge: "How do we market to a demographic we clearly do not understand?" Luckily, they solved that problem by immediately asking themselves another question: "What is the one thing that all women like?" The answer, of course, is The Notebook.
Ayurved Research Foundation
"It's bulletproof."
And before you go accusing the makers of Fantasy Capsules of plagiarism, look a little closer.
New Line Cinema
"That guy had a beard."
That's right. Further demonstrating their immense level of respect for both women and the sexual supplement industry, they took the time to Photoshop Ryan Gosling's beard off. Your move, intellectual property lawyers.
If you were to stand before a Congressional hearing and declare that the best kind of broken English is the broken English found on dick pill boxes, Sueper Sex would be a varsity piece of corroborating evidence. Every bit of the indecipherable madness on its packaging could be used to defund any public school in the nation.
Basketbawful
This is a kaleidoscope of blind, feral insanity, reading at a second-grade level.
Let's try to decode some of these messages. "Time delay release" clarifies that you won't be springboarding into devastating waves of fuck destruction as soon as the pills hit your tongue. However, "one becomes effective for man only" is a guarantee being delivered by a disembodied screaming head, which makes us uneasy.
Wait a minute ... is that Dwyane Wade?
Electronic Arts
Working for EA Games is a lot like taking time-release penis explosion pills.
Selling sex pills to the sexless sounds like a fool's errand, and yet here is a box of dick medicine with a picture of a guy from /r/theredpill on the front.
HongKong Tenshine Industrial Limited
"M'boner."
Judging by the fedora and the tiny chocolate dragon emblems, this is the only pill on the market exclusively meant to be used for angry masturbation. Either that or Jake and Elwood Blues are powerfully erotic figures in Russian culture.
In the business of selling genital superpower pills, it must be difficult not to embellish the effects of the final product. However, that's a risky strategy -- if you promise people endless orgasms, unlimited lubrication, and an erection that can chisel mountains, you best be able to deliver. With that in mind, here's Hard Ten Days.
Shining Trading Co.,Ltd.
This looks like easily the second most awkward board game to play with your parents.
Firstly, it's good that their product will improve kidney function. That'll certainly come in handy, what with the amount of water you'll be drinking to make sure you don't accidentally squirt out every drop of fluid from your body and wind up a dried-out husk. But wait, what's this?
via 007slim.com
So that's what the Beatles meant by "eight days a week."
180 hours? That's only seven and a half days. How are we supposed to enjoy a debilitating weeklong erection if you can't even deliver on the promise of your name, Hard Ten Days? That's unacceptable. We'll have to take our money elsewhere. Probably back to Big PENIS.
You can find Adam on Twitter. You can also email him, if you're into that sort of thing.
Also check out 24 Video Game Covers That Will Double Your Testosterone and The 16 Most Wildly Misleading Video Game Covers Ever.
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