11

iScream Is Hauntingly Obsessed With Making Women Scream

Ladies! Do you hate making normal sex noises? Do you want your neighbors to think that you're being murdered on a roller coaster? Do you want orgasms so potent that you'll forget how to spell "orgasms?" If so, good news: iScreams are the pills for you!

Celebrity Lifestyle
Although judging by the photos, this could easily be a powerful laxative.

10

Big PENIS Cuts Straight To The Point

Sup, bro? How's it hanging? If you said "not sufficiently," then we've got a solution for you! All you have to do is choke down a big penis.

Shenzhen Greenroom Biotechnology Co. Ltd.
Pro tip: If saliva isn't doing the trick, try washing it down with jelly.

9

French Ladies Will Flood Your Vagina With "Exiting Water"

The name "French Ladies" brings to mind elegance, class, and sophistication. The packaging does absolutely none of those things, and indeed, only seems interested in reminding women that vaginas exist. You know, in case they forgot.

Guangzhou Xuanjie Trading Co.,Ltd.
This is what Jack from Titanic's finished drawing would have looked like if he hadn't died.

8

We Really, Really Hope Big Brother Is An Orwell Reference

To its credit, Big Brother doesn't promise to turn your junk into a monster or transform your sperm into chocolate milk. They're simply good ol' fashioned dick extenders.

Super Generation
"Fun for the whole family!"

7

Daniel Craig And Barack Obama Are Secret Agents Of Male Enhancement

Seeing as how Daniel Craig has reportedly retired from being James Bond, this'd be a great time for him to capitalize on his smoldering looks and get into the penis pill business. Unless, as God Of War suggests, he already did that years ago.

MMC
Not that this wouldn't be in character for Bond.

6

African Superman Will Make You Feel Both Racist And Inadequate

Imagine you're settling down for a night of passionate lovefucking. You dim the lights, pop the champagne, and pull out your tin of African Superman ... only to see your partner's eyes wilt like a penis-shaped snowman in a hot breeze, because until this very moment, they had no idea you were an insane racist.

MMC
"Thanks for the modeling gig! So this is going on some bodybuilding supplements or something?"
"Or something."

Boasting its status as "the best salable product of the world," African Superman aims to conquer your feelings of sexual inadequacy by implicitly promising to give you the ass-crushing fortitude of a robo-diesel black man. And hey, if the relationship doesn't work out, you can keep the reusable tin as a wallet or something, so that everyone you meet will instantly know what a f*****g idiot you are.

5

America Superman Is A Big Ol' Can Of Dick Powder

The greatest thing about America Superman is that the manufacturers clearly intended for this to be displayed proudly on your mantle, alongside your hunting trophies and collection of woodworking tools.

Ubat-Ubat Kuat Store
And when the pills run out, you can use the can to store Grandpa's ashes.

A dick pill container which gives no indication that it contains dick pills might actually be worse than one decorated with X-rated Street Fighter characters -- with those, at least you know what you're dealing with. America Superman could be a box of stickers, for all we know. Until you open the can, that is.

4

Fantasy Capsules Know That All Women Love Nicholas Sparks

Fantasy Capsules are for women only, which presented the manufacturers with a unique challenge: "How do we market to a demographic we clearly do not understand?" Luckily, they solved that problem by immediately asking themselves another question: "What is the one thing that all women like?" The answer, of course, is The Notebook.

Ayurved Research Foundation
"It's bulletproof."

And before you go accusing the makers of Fantasy Capsules of plagiarism, look a little closer.

New Line Cinema
"That guy had a beard."

3

Sueper Sex Is A Time Bomb For Your Dick

If you were to stand before a Congressional hearing and declare that the best kind of broken English is the broken English found on dick pill boxes, Sueper Sex would be a varsity piece of corroborating evidence. Every bit of the indecipherable madness on its packaging could be used to defund any public school in the nation.

Basketbawful
This is a kaleidoscope of blind, feral insanity, reading at a second-grade level.

Let's try to decode some of these messages. "Time delay release" clarifies that you won't be springboarding into devastating waves of f**k destruction as soon as the pills hit your tongue. However, "one becomes effective for man only" is a guarantee being delivered by a disembodied screaming head, which makes us uneasy.

2

Rock Har Sex Pill Promises To Help You f**k Like A Men's Right Activist

Selling sex pills to the sexless sounds like a fool's errand, and yet here is a box of dick medicine with a picture of a guy from /r/theredpill on the front.

HongKong Tenshine Industrial Limited
"M'boner."

1

Hard Ten Days Is Woefully Inaccurate

In the business of selling genital superpower pills, it must be difficult not to embellish the effects of the final product. However, that's a risky strategy -- if you promise people endless orgasms, unlimited lubrication, and an erection that can chisel mountains, you best be able to deliver. With that in mind, here's Hard Ten Days.

Shining Trading Co.,Ltd.
This looks like easily the second most awkward board game to play with your parents.

Firstly, it's good that their product will improve kidney function. That'll certainly come in handy, what with the amount of water you'll be drinking to make sure you don't accidentally squirt out every drop of fluid from your body and wind up a dried-out husk. But wait, what's this?

via 007slim.com
So that's what the Beatles meant by "eight days a week."

180 hours? That's only seven and a half days. How are we supposed to enjoy a debilitating weeklong erection if you can't even deliver on the promise of your name, Hard Ten Days? That's unacceptable. We'll have to take our money elsewhere. Probably back to Big PENIS.

You can find Adam on Twitter. You can also email him, if you're into that sort of thing.

Also check out 24 Video Game Covers That Will Double Your Testosterone and The 16 Most Wildly Misleading Video Game Covers Ever.

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