Good news, everyone! Well that was what you were mostly sharing the hell out of this week. Though the thing about diet soda did prompt an unhappy comment from the internet's very own SciBabe.
According to one theory, dyslexia is really not a disorder at all: It was always there for the exceptional individuals whose brains had an extra edge.
"When the kind of brain that is particularly talented in the important act of staying alive in the most efficient way possible is suddenly facing reading and writing -- two fairly recent inventions that radically differ from the frantic survival shit it's spent countless millennia specializing in -- it tends to view them as unnatural acts."
We like to imagine Glenn Danzig's lost repertoire included "Howls For Treats In The Dark Of Night."
"Music changes faster than any other art form. But what would music history look like if great bands didn't particularly give a shit?"
Actual newsies would have ground young Christian Bale into hamburger.
"There was far less singing and dancing in the streets than we were told."
Captain and the Potter kid could make side bets.
"Batman and Superman have racked up an impressive number of movies dedicated to themselves over the years, and now we're getting a dumpster fire of a film that features them fighting each other. Give it a break already, Hollywood."
To crib the tiredest of memes, according to Microsoft, "All your computer are belong to us." And, suspiciously, not too many people are really talking about it.
"After the upgrade, a bunch of programs, with varying degrees of importance, were just straight-up uninstalled without any notice or authorization. In their February 2016 update, Microsoft went and switched Windows 10 from an optional upgrade to a mandatory upgrade, removing any shred of control you thought you had over your computer."
"Florida Man Fellates Self" would be appropriate here.
"The media loves leaving out key details to make an already dramatic story into an ultra-dramatic one. But, fortunately, this whole damn planet lives on the Internet, where a stone shall never go unturned and those key details never stay hidden long."
As a rule of thumb, if something says "diet" on it, go eat a salad instead. If it's a "diet salad," then we don't know what to tell ya.
"While you may think you're helping out your diet by allowing yourself some low-calorie (but still sweet) alternatives, chances are you're actually screwing over your waistline in the long run."
We guess those pesky environmental regulations are good for something after all.
"When the news is screaming bloody murder in our brains, and our social media feeds are full of people disagreeing with each other in the most vile manner possible, it's hard to believe that things are peachy right now."
The average bone marrow donation is 5-10 cubic cm. Lyle's was 1,800--roughly two quarts--and he was stabbed 200+ times with a needle to get it all.
"While we here at Cracked consider it our duty to shatter the illusions that hold your fragile life together, we also try to spread some good vibes to make up for it."
The bass drops, you crap your pants.
"There's a lot of careful direction and editing and cinematography that is required to take your movie up another level from made-for-TV-but-specifically-made-for-SyFy. And some even go as far as to trick you into feeling a certain way."
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.
Squirrels, goblins, and chickens, oh my!
Here are a few historically important sites to which time has been more than unkind.