Lusty master of eroticism, George R.R. Martin, created the perfect TV scene. A hot girl is going to town on herself, and there's a dragon -- and not just any dragon, but a dragon with a built-in masturbation alarm that alerts other hot girls that one of them is masturbating. Plus, there's a lot of playful naughtiness -- if a dragon screams at you while you're jerking off and you keep jerking off, you wanted to get caught.
Anyway, once Irri wakes up, she dutifully gives her queen the hand release she needs and goes back to sleep. And if there was more dragon screaming, shh!, George R.R. Martin isn't telling!
Her other hand drifted down across the soft curve of belly, through the mound of fine silvery-gold hair, and went to work between Dany's thighs. It was no more than a few moments until her legs twisted and her breasts heaved and her whole body shuddered. She screamed then. Or perhaps that was Drogon.
HBONo one wants to see their mother's O-face.
That's how hot that shit was-- even the narrator couldn't tell if the screams were coming from the girl or the dragon. It's not clear why this scene would be left out of the show, but we're guessing it's because no Foley artist could come up with a sound that was both "dragon scream" and "orgasm moan" without just landing on "angry Chewbacca."
Another powerful woman in Game Of Thrones who lost a sex scene was Cersei Lannister. And it's just as weird as sticking your fingers up your queen while a dragon watches. You see, Cersei hated her dark-haired husband, so she invited a dark-haired noblewoman named Taena Merryweather into her bed and hate-fingered her with the rage of a thousand dragon masturbation alarms.
"There was no pleasure in it, not for her. For Taena, yes. Her nipples were two black diamonds, her sex slick and steamy... The queen slid a finger into that Myrish swamp, then another, moving them in and out..."
"Taena gave a shudder. She gasped some words in a foreign tongue, then shuddered again and arched her back and screamed. She sounds as if she is being gored, the queen thought. For a moment she let herself imagine that her fingers were a boar's tusks, ripping the Myrish woman apart from groin to throat."
George R.R. Martin writes with less sexual appeal than Ted Cruz opening his robe and asking a swarm of tarantulas if they are moist. As Queen Cersei's fingers went in the vagina, described as a swamp by the narrator, she started fantasizing about tearing the woman apart, swamp first. And as soon as Taena is done, Cersei kicks her out. This is likely a death sentence, knowing what we now know about dragons -- that amount of finger-banging would have every dragon within a hundred miles riled up. Not one step out that door and she would hear the first, angry screams of dragon masturbation approaching ...
HBOAnd a dragon moneyshot is probably closer to "Scorpion's fatality" than you're used to.
So, why leave this encounter out? A few buzzing flies and splorpy sound effects could easily give the impression of this woman's legs coming together to form a terrible bog. Maybe they decided hate-fingering was a tough thing to communicate without voice-over? Maybe Lena Headey didn't want to waste her manicure by spending all day inside of a birth canal? The world may never know ...
Scott Elizabeth Baird can be found on Twitter.
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