Famous Books With Filthy Sex Scenes (That Were Unfilmable)
When a book gets turned into a movie, some of the key details may be altered in the adaptation process. For instance, in the book version of Congo, they chase gorillas away by deciphering their language and telling them to leave. In the movie, they saw them into meat with super lasers. Our point is, filmmakers sometimes make very wise choices. Here are six books with completely insane sex scenes that were sagely left out of the film versions.
The Preteen Sewer Gangbang In Stephen King's It
It was the title of Stephen King's 18th published novel, as well as a TV miniseries adaptation starring Tim Curry as easily one of the top 5,000 scariest clowns of all time. Despite being more than three hours long, the TV version still had to make some major cuts. The easiest of which was hopefully the preteen gangbang in the sewers.
You read that right. The protagonists in It are six boys, age 12, and one girl, age 11. When they are traveling through the sewers after engaging in the "Ritual Of Chud," they get lost in the darkness and begin to panic. So, the only girl, Beverly, age 11, starts having sex with each of them. Aggressively.
Over the course of several pages, she convinces these 6th graders to take part in a sewer orgy. She's so young that she doesn't even have the vocabulary to describe it. "You have to put your thing in me," she tells the first one. And we say "first one" because she's not sure which of her friends she's demanding sex from. Three sentences later, she's picturing her father's face. That's how fucking weird this scene gets, and it started with "preteen sewer gangbang." One of the boys ends up having a giant cock-- giant enough that it threatens to become the main crisis in the already clown-murderer-infested tunnels -- and once she gets through that, the stuttering boy gets his turn. There's no mention of his penis size, but, by the time they're finished, his stutter is cured.
So, it's not really a question of why this scene was left out of the TV show, but why Stephen King wasn't immediately arrested. We understand defeating a clown requires you to embrace the darkness inside you, but no clown needs to be killed badly enough to turn multiple pages of your novel into child pornography.
The Impotence Joke In Kick-Ass 2 Was Originally A Brutal Rape Scene
There's a notable difference in tone between Kick-Ass 2's source material and film adaptation. The comic treated all of the crime and violence in a serious manner, while the movie turned it into a cross between Looney Toons and Animal House. One of the most disturbing scenes from the comic involves a murder rampage by The Motherfucker and his gang that kills hundreds of innocent people including police. During the attack, the gang also violently rapes Kick-Ass' love interest in her home, perhaps making the reader wonder why they didn't pick up a nice Superman story about tricking fifth-dimensional imps into saying their name backward.
The absolute best-case scenario here is that the writers had a long, thoughtful conversation about the scene that still ended with, "Nah, it'll be fine."
As any nonmaniac would expect, this scene was drastically altered for the film version. The body count was lowered, and the violence became cartoonish. For example, one of The Motherfucker's henchmen kills two cops by putting a running lawnmower on the trunk of a car and driving backward into them. That's the kind of hilarious brutality you can share with the whole family.
As for that other thing, when The Motherfucker starts to take off his pants, the sexual assault turns into a slide-whistling boner joke. He can't perform, so he just orders his henchmen to beat her. This means that when they were making this movie, someone thought, "How can we get this horrific violation of a woman to be more ... funny?" And the solution they came up with was: remove all the boners. That's exactly the opposite of how jokes usually work, but we think we can all agree it was the right move in this one, and only, situation.
Tetsuo's Drugged Prostitute Harem In Akira
Akira was the first Anime movie with any mainstream success, and it was adapted from a manga series that was six phone book-sized volumes in length. For our younger readers not familiar with "phone books," that's more than 14 VHS cassettes tall. So, in order to condense all that into a two-hour movie, they took a lot of liberties.
One example is Tetsuo's love interest, Kaori. In the movie, it's a pretty straightforward love affair: Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy turns into sloppy death-blob. That old chestnut. In the comic though, things went differently: Tetsuo takes over Tokyo after it gets destroyed by Akira for a second time. He has girls brought to him and gives them pills that drive them crazy. Afterward, he has sex with them and then they die. Instead of being a love interest, Kaori is more like a naked girl he runs into after a psychedelic death orgy.
In the film, Tetsuo's murderous rampages are triggered by the experiments done to him. Or, maybe it was a video about pudding safety? Not all of Akira makes sense. But, in the comic version, it's pretty clear Tetsuo is just an evil bastard who sometimes forgets to kill all the hookers. So, once again, the filmmakers probably made the right call in making some tweaks to our protagonist.
The Hot Soldier-On-Soldier Action In The Thin Red Line
The James Jones novel called The Thin Red Line took place in Guadalcanal during World War II. It captured the horrors of war and the pleasures of man-on-man action, both in grisly detail, but when it was made into a movie in 1999, it only kept one of those things.
In the book, Corporal Fife and Corporal Bead (Adrien Brody and Nick Stahl in the movie) end up alone in their tent one night. Bead probes Fife's interest in some casual romance. Referring to a trading of oral sex, Bead cheerfully asks, "Well, what do you say? Shall we help each other out?" Neither young man is gay, and they both make that very clear, but since they could be dead tomorrow, why not taste some penis? After all, if you can't enjoy a dong in your mouth in the privacy of your own tent, then Emperor Hirohito has already won.
While this sort of fictionalized war-time erotica might seem ludicrous at first glance, it actually happened a lot more than you imagine. Or, far less than you imagine if you have a military fetish. It wasn't something that was discussed openly (it was, in fact, illegal at the time) but it still happened ... a lot.
So, why was it left out of the movie? Probably because the filmmakers thought audiences weren't ready for a war movie to suddenly go reverse Cinemax. But, what's really weird is that this isn't the first time the gay sex in a WWII James Jones novel was removed during adaptation. His most famous novel, From Here To Eternity, originally had a scene where Private Angelo Maggio talked about selling blow jobs to a rich guy. Publishers left it out of the book for 60 years before it was finally reinserted in 2011. Word choice is, obviously, ours.
The Lesbian Queen/Dragon Masturbation From Game Of Thrones
You probably know this already, but Game Of Thrones starts every scene with tits and ends every scene with your favorite character dying horribly. So, the one thing the show would never leave out is a hot sex scene. And yet, the showrunners decided to completely remove erotic encounters involving the two main female characters, Queen Cersei and Daenerys.
On the show, Daenerys spent most of the first season taking her dress off and seeing how much Khal Drogo she could fit inside her. Unfortunately, her sex life went downhill fast after her husband died. In the book, however, her sexual escapades never stopped.
As you might expect, a queen can't just go out and casually catch a dick. That's where her handmaiden came in. In the third book (A Storm Of Swords), Daenerys, or Dany, was getting so horny her servant Irri had to step in as a living sex toy. It started like all good things do -- she was masturbating next to a sleeping dragon in a cabin.
Once, so tormented she could not sleep, Dany slid a hand down between her legs and gasped when she felt how wet she was ... she found one sweet spot and lingered there, touching herself lightly, timidly at first and then faster. Still, the relief she wanted seemed to recede before her, until her dragons stirred, and one screamed out across the cabin, and Irri woke and saw what she was doing.
Lusty master of eroticism, George R.R. Martin, created the perfect TV scene. A hot girl is going to town on herself, and there's a dragon -- and not just any dragon, but a dragon with a built-in masturbation alarm that alerts other hot girls that one of them is masturbating. Plus, there's a lot of playful naughtiness -- if a dragon screams at you while you're jerking off and you keep jerking off, you wanted to get caught.
Anyway, once Irri wakes up, she dutifully gives her queen the hand release she needs and goes back to sleep. And if there was more dragon screaming, shh!, George R.R. Martin isn't telling!
Her other hand drifted down across the soft curve of belly, through the mound of fine silvery-gold hair, and went to work between Dany's thighs. It was no more than a few moments until her legs twisted and her breasts heaved and her whole body shuddered. She screamed then. Or perhaps that was Drogon.
That's how hot that shit was-- even the narrator couldn't tell if the screams were coming from the girl or the dragon. It's not clear why this scene would be left out of the show, but we're guessing it's because no Foley artist could come up with a sound that was both "dragon scream" and "orgasm moan" without just landing on "angry Chewbacca."
Another powerful woman in Game Of Thrones who lost a sex scene was Cersei Lannister. And it's just as weird as sticking your fingers up your queen while a dragon watches. You see, Cersei hated her dark-haired husband, so she invited a dark-haired noblewoman named Taena Merryweather into her bed and hate-fingered her with the rage of a thousand dragon masturbation alarms.
"There was no pleasure in it, not for her. For Taena, yes. Her nipples were two black diamonds, her sex slick and steamy... The queen slid a finger into that Myrish swamp, then another, moving them in and out..."
"Taena gave a shudder. She gasped some words in a foreign tongue, then shuddered again and arched her back and screamed. She sounds as if she is being gored, the queen thought. For a moment she let herself imagine that her fingers were a boar's tusks, ripping the Myrish woman apart from groin to throat."
George R.R. Martin writes with less sexual appeal than Ted Cruz opening his robe and asking a swarm of tarantulas if they are moist. As Queen Cersei's fingers went in the vagina, described as a swamp by the narrator, she started fantasizing about tearing the woman apart, swamp first. And as soon as Taena is done, Cersei kicks her out. This is likely a death sentence, knowing what we now know about dragons -- that amount of finger-banging would have every dragon within a hundred miles riled up. Not one step out that door and she would hear the first, angry screams of dragon masturbation approaching ...
So, why leave this encounter out? A few buzzing flies and splorpy sound effects could easily give the impression of this woman's legs coming together to form a terrible bog. Maybe they decided hate-fingering was a tough thing to communicate without voice-over? Maybe Lena Headey didn't want to waste her manicure by spending all day inside of a birth canal? The world may never know ...
Scott Elizabeth Baird can be found on Twitter.
For more ridiculous sex scenes in places you wouldn't expect, check out 6 Video Game Sex Scenes That Will Give You Nightmares and The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied By Harry Potter.
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And to further expand your noggin, check out Cracked's De-Textbook: The Stuff You Didn't Know About the Stuff You Thought You Knew.
It's loaded with facts about history, your body, and the world around you that your teachers didn't want you to know. And as a bonus? We've also included the kinkiest sex acts ever described in the Bible.