Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to clean up post-blizzard snow drifts by pissing on them. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so).

LAST YEAR, ACCORDING TO A RECENT FINANCIAL ANALYSIS, THE THREE LARGEST BANKS JPMorganchase WELLS FARGO BankofAmerica MADE MORE THAN $6 BILLION FROM AT

Source: CNN

ON THE EVE OF SARAH PALIN'S ENDORSEMENT OF DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT, HER SON TRACK PALIN WAS ARRESTED ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND WEAPONS CHARGES. In h

Source: Yahoo News

SCIENTISTS MAY HAVE DISCOVERED ANEW NINTH PLANET. It is currently being called Planet Nine or Planet X. The discovery was made by the same astronomers

Source: NBC News

THE FBI SEIZED AND THEN RAN A DARK WEB CHILD PORN SITE FOR TWO WEEKS TO IDENTIFY ITS USERS. The controversial move runs contrary to the FBI's usual st

Source: USA Today

JAMIE FOXX rescued an alleged drunk driver from a wrecked, burning car near. his home in Los Angeles. Despite his heroic actions, he insists... I'm n

Source: ABC News

A VERY LARGE SNOW PENIS WAS DRAWN ON A FROZEN LIAKE IN OOTHENBUROFSWEDEN. Local officials debated the best way to remove the work of art, which was cr

ASTRONAUT SCOTT KELLY TWEETED THE FIRST' FLOWER GROWN IN SPACE, ABOARD THE INT'L SPACE STATION, After a few failed growth cycles, the newest batch of

Source: CNN

GLENN FREY, a founding member of the iconic rock band THE EAGLES, HAS DIED AT AGE 67, after battling complications from multiple illnesses over severa

Sources: Deadline.com

12 MARINES HAVE BEEN DECLARED DEAD after two military helicopters COLLIDED OFF THE COAST OF OAHU, HAWAIl. 89 searches over four days, covering 21,000

Source: CNN

RECENT POLLS SHOW DONALD TRUMP STILL LEADING THE REPUBLICAN PACK, WHILE BERNIE SANDERS SCORED A SURPRISING LEAD AGAINST HILLARY CLINTON IN NEW HAMPSHI

THE UNIVERSITY OF lc Cincinnati HAS AGREED TO PAY $4.85 MILLION TO THE FAMILY OF SAMUEL DUBOSE, who WaS fatally shot by a university police officer du

Source: CNN

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