If you haven't already dropped the Wiimote and ran screaming from the room, you get to witness as long, spindly legs sprout out of her neck cavity and she assumes the shape of a huge-ass spider. What was once her little girl flesh is now deformed beyond recognition.
"Hi, Mr. Roberts? It's-a me, Mario. Listen, is it too late to get my plumbing job back?
While in monster form, the bulk of her dialogue is just "mimimimimimimimimimi," which is further evidence that Nintendo writers secretly want to write H.P. Lovecraft fan fiction. Eventually, Mario and friends deal with Spider-Mimi the same way they deal with all of life's problems: by jumping on them until they fucking die.
Mother 3 -- A Kid Doomed To Spend Eternity In A Tiny Cell
The Mother (or EarthBound) games are best known in America for 1) putting a kid with a baseball cap and a yo-yo in Super Smash Bros. and 2) being written about a lot on Cracked.com. For a series with the simple, straightforward premise of "psychic children fighting inanimate objects and hippies," these games seem to be packed with creepiness. However, nothing in the franchise is creepier than this:
Pokey/Porky Minch is a chubby, obnoxious, cowardly kid who at first appears to be nothing more than comic relief. By the end of the second game, though, the little shit ends up joining forces with the greatest evil in the known universe and fighting the heroes from a spider-mech suit thing. He's like the Nintendo version of Eric Cartman, if Cartman wanted to destroy all of existence instead of just the Jews.
What is it with Nintendo and turning little kids into spiders?
Once you defeat the last boss, Pokey uses time travel to escape to another era ... but we find out in Mother 3 that he's still alive after 10,000 years. Turns out the effects of time travel have made him immortal and unkillable, but not any less of a genocidal jerk -- he wants to murder everyone who dislikes him, which is to say everyone.
But then, when Pokey sees he is to be defeated, he calls upon something called the "Absolutely Safe Capsule" and climbs into it for protection. The capsule seals Pokey inside, and its inventor reveals that it can never be opened by anyone ... including the person inside of it. So while Pokey is indeed "absolutely safe," he's trapped in a Transformer's gonad forever. And we mean forever.
Within 10 years, he'll be continually drowning in his own tears (or other fluids).
Shigesato Itoi, Mother 3's creator, has confirmed that when the world ends in 5.5 billion years, Pokey will still be in there, suffering from the worst case of butt cramps known to man. Itoi also says he won't do more Mother games, probably because they'd just be Pokey sitting perfectly still for 10 hours.
Mike is obsessed with scary stuff in video games. If you'd like to read more spooky stories, why not check out his personal creepy gamer stuff blog.
We're pretty sure people who made things for kids secretly hate their audience. How else do explain the stuff in 9 Traumatizing Moments From Classic Kids Movies and The 7 Most Unintentionally Nightmarish Children's Characters.
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