5

Home Alone: Kevin's Traps Would've Horrifically Killed The Wet Bandits

20th Century Fox

The Scene:

Kevin McCallister oversleeps on the morning of his family vacation, and his terrible parents make it all the way to France before realizing that their child is missing. Now, Kevin has to spend the week home alone, which is where the title of the film comes from. Seizing on what they had to assume was an easy payday, two hapless burglars attempt to infiltrate the McCallister family's mansion to make off with their expensive goods. Kevin defends his parents' purchases with a series of inventive Rube Goldberg traps and the help of a 65-year-old man with a shovel, and saves Christmas.

20th Century Fox"Kevin, what is best in life?"
"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of Buzz's girlfriend."

The Reality:

Kevin's machinations are fucking brutal. According to Weill Cornell Medical College's Doctor Ryan St. Clair, the hilarious booby traps would have killed the Wet Bandits two or three times over. First of all, St. Clair assures us that taking a paint can to the front of the noggin from at least fifteen feet in the air is going to leave you with several missing teeth, along with quite a few broken face bones. Harry and/or Marv could very likely end up with a fractured orbital socket, which means that their fucking eyes would come out of their fucking heads, and the duo would be rolling around in that pile of Micro Machines, howling in impossible, relentless agony. But that pales in comparison to what would've happened if Kevin's blowtorch trap had been triggered by a real-life human being instead of cinema's Joe Pesci.

20th Century Fox This is the work of an eight-year-old child.

4

Interstellar: The Black Hole Would've Incinerated Cooper Before He Made It Inside

Warner Bros./Paramount

The Scene:

Joe Cooper is on a mission to save the human race by finding an alternate planet for civilization to destroy, as Earth is now a dusty, corn-infested nightmare. Cooper's job is to hurl himself into a black hole in order to collect some data on gravity needed to get everyone floating around in outer space. He succeeds in getting the information back to his Earth-bound daughter via subspace bookshelf communication, and awakens years later in a hospital bed, the plan having worked like a charm and his face untouched by decades of wrinkles. Because science, time travel, and magic are the same thing.

Warner Bros./Paramount The point where Cooper, Doc Brown, and Dumbledore converge.

3

Pinocchio's Head Would've Snapped Off After Too Many Lies

Walt Disney

The Scene:

All lonely old toymaker Geppetto wants is a son, so he builds a sentient wooden puppet named Pinocchio to avoid dealing with the fact that he is far too old to find a wife and father some real children without putting them at serious risk of birth defects. The Blue Fairy promises to turn Pinocchio into a real boy if he embarks on a typical Hero's Journey and proves that he can be honest and forthright -- which you may notice is a test that no other human being is required to pass before they are permitted to exist. Every time Pinocchio does something dishonest, his nose increases in length as punishment, because the Blue Fairy has been gripped by a specific form of madness.

Walt Disney And fabulousness.

2

Skyfall: Getting Shot By A Uranium Shell Would've Killed James Bond Before The Opening Credits

MGM/Columbia

The Scene:

International Disease Farm of Mystery James Bond fights a villain on top of moving train (as one does) whilst trying to retrieve a stolen hard drive. His opponent shoots him in the shoulder with a uranium bullet, and then his partner accidentally shoots him in the chest with a sniper rifle, and he falls off of the train into the water below. However, mere bullets and high falls cannot destroy James Bond, and he turns up alive and well, ready to drink and have sex and murder people in the name of global intrigue.

MGM/Columbia Seriously, dude, can you stop being cool for one goddamn second?

1

The Empire Strikes Back: Luke Probably Still Would've Died Inside That Tauntaun

Lucasfilm

The Scene:

In his one and only foray into lightsabering, professional badass Han Solo slices open the alien equivalent of a camel and stuffs a freezing Luke Skywalker inside its steamy stomach. He saves Luke's life, despite the extremely convenient opportunity to remove the competition in their weirdly incestuous love triangle with Princess Leia.

Lucasfilm "You're welcome, creeps."

The Reality:

For starters, Luke probably would have still frozen to death before Han had time to build a shelter. We have no way of knowing for sure without knowing the exact cause of the Tauntaun's death. It seems like it dies from a mixture of hypothermia and exhaustion. If the Tauntaun died of hypothermia itself, Luke is immediately screwed, because the animal's body would be as cold as his, and only getting colder thanks to the sweet embrace of death. Even if that weren't the case, if Han allowed just one bit of the Tauntaun's innards to remain exposed after tucking Luke in there, then whatever body part is left hanging out will start cooling down the rest of Luke's body, still putting him at risk of hypothermia. Barring all of that, Han still has only one hour to build that shelter before Luke succumbs to the already-extreme exposure he's suffering from and dies.

Lucasfilm "And I thought they were freezing ... on the outside!"

Say Solo did manage to get Luke fully stashed away in a Tauntaun gut cocoon, and the creature was at a suitable temperature, and Han managed to construct a warm, insulated shelter in time. He still would've had to have been surgically careful of how he packed Luke into the lifesaving animal carcass in the first place. If the Tauntaun resembles an Earth creature even the slightest bit, it's going to have a bunch of gooey innards floating around inside its freshly-opened stomach. Should any part of that get all over Luke's face while he's riding around inside, which it very likely would, his mouth and nose would be frozen shut, suffocating him to death.

Lucasfilm Feet first it is.

So Han could've built a fucking Mariott and still unpacked his Tauntaun burrito to find a thoroughly dead Luke. At which point we imagine he would've returned to Echo Base and merely told everyone that he never found him.

Carolyn chronicles her own horrifying existence on Twitter.

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