Cracked Writers
·
Spooky season may have officially come to a close, but some nightmares still keep dribbling in. What's scarier than accidentally getting knocked up because you're fighting an ear infection?
Or, in layman's financial terms, the rough equivalent of 100 good quality erotic cakes.
"They say it's a fine line between fandom and zealotry. Or something."
And certainly nothing helps chronic, skull-splitting headaches like the wail of a colicky baby!
"For every one of you lucky enough to have received detailed instructions about how to put a condom on a cucumber, another was merely subjected to a slideshow about genital warts and a hurried lecture on the benefits of abstinence, delivered by a red-faced softball coach."
What Grady Stiles, aka "The Lobster Boy," lacks in murderous volume, he makes up for in nightmarish creepiness.
"Grady was so proud of his claws that he bragged 'Everyone I have sex with wants to have sex with my claws!' which we want to point out suggests that not only did Grady have weird lobster sex, but that he had it with more than one person."
Go ahead and call your older siblings on anything you feel like in the comments.
"Why are kids with three older siblings, on average, one inch shorter than their peers? One factor is that, along with stinky second-hand clothes and a beat up backpack, the youngest has to make do with a stretched-out, hand-me-down uterus."
"I once made the statement, 'If you ever see me reopen my World of Warcraft account, it means I probably got fired from my job.' Eight months later, I was giving Blizzard my credit card info for the sixth time..." -- John Cheese
"Every time you start to settle into a boring routine, Blizzard adds something to reboner your gamedick."
"For all the doughnuts and pizza slices we have, there are still emotional voids yet to be filled by emojis."
If you're smart about your Target planning, every weekday is Black Friday.
"We here at Cracked love you and are happy to help you keep the dirty money you worked so hard doing unsavory back-alley antics to get."
Clairvius Narcisse was a Haitian guy who was declared dead by two doctors and buried in 1962. They found him wandering around the village 18 years later. So, zombies happen - here's how the craze could literally overtake us all.
"You are just one brain chemical (serotonin) away from turning into a mindless killing machine (they've tested it by putting rats in Deathmatch-style cages and watching them turn on each other). All it would take is a disease that destroys the brain's ability to absorb that one chemical and suddenly it's a real-world 28 Days Later."
Oprah gave Jenny McCarthy a platform for her anti-vaccine campaign because trusting celebrities over scientific evidence is kind of Oprah's thing.
"I don't care what talk show she appears on: you don't take medical advice from Jenny McCarthy. Even more importantly, if you're in charge of these things, definitely don't let her give that advice on the most influential daytime talk show in television history."
Democrats are big spenders and Republicans cut spending, right? Well, you can twist and turn the numbers all you want, and the one trend you'll never come up with is: "Democrats = debt spenders, Republicans = thrifty cost cutters."
"We want to go to the polls and know that we're on the light side of the Force and are voting against the Sith, who are easily identifiable by their frustratingly ignorant bumper stickers. The real world is never that neat, which is why most of us agree that reality is an asshole."
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
You are in no way prepared for the true master of terror: Mother Nature.
If you follow up on these flash-in-the-pan headlines, you might find some information that changes the tone of the story.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.
7 Comments