11 Great Halloween Costumes For (People Who Hate Their) Kids

10 Dress Your Kid Like Trash (Trash Not Included)

A trash can has more potential than you might immediately suspect: Oscar the Grouch, R2-D2, and Bender Rodriguez are all reasonable options if you're gung-ho on getting your kid in the garbage one night of the year. But if you're short on time or just plain don't like your child, you can always send them into the dark night as a regular old trash can, colored in headlight-absorbing black:

9 Turn Your Kid Into A Pinata

Pinatas require physical aptitude and skill but still provide everybody with some candy, making it the ultimate kids' party game despite the mixed message it sends to bat-wielding children who don't fully grasp vertebrate anatomy yet. But as fun as it is, we have to question the wisdom of sending your child to school dressed as an object that traditionally has the crap beat out of it:

8 Dress Your Kid Like Whatever The Hell This Thing Is

The official "description" refers to this thing as an earthworm, but that's pretty much the only thing we can conclusively say it's not:

7 The Sensory Deprivation Land Shark

This one looks kinda cool at first:

6 Baby's First Cigarette

If we had to make a list of "The 6 Worst Costumes For Your Kids To Be Wearing When Child Protective Services Comes Around," we'd probably put this bad boy at #2:

It only gets the #2 spot because a) you could plausibly play this off as one of those giant worms that feeds off volcanic vents at the bottom of the ocean and b) this related costume also exists:

5 Pinocchio: A Giant Choking/Tripping Hazard

Disney characters are always a hit with kids. There are plenty of classics to choose from, like Cinderella, Snow White, or Pinocchio:

Oh. Oooooh boy. This one is not going to end well. Hey, guys, how's a kid gonna walk with the marionette bits still attached to him? The first bush that kid passes is going to make him faceplant, and the first passing car he gets too close to is going to send his limbs spinning through the air, likely in different directions.

4 What Is Even Happening Here

No one is even making an attempt at explaining what this is supposed to be. A pea? An eye-gouged Kermit after a big meal? An obese sports fan suffering from gangrene, or Violet Beauregarde on a trip to the Green Giant factory?

3 Guarantee Your Kid Gets Hit By A Car

This costume is similar in concept to the green blimp boy but with two crucial features removed: the ability for any driver to see the black-out costume and the removal of the air cushion that would soften the blow when the child is inevitably mowed down by a motorist:

We really can't figure out the point of this costume, other than possibly being a faceless, formless shadow person and ... OK, yeah, that's a little creepy. Even if someone did manage to see the kid in their headlights, they might run him over anyway just to keep Hell at bay.

2 A Little Imagination Goes A Long Way

Occupational costumes are always a safe option for youngsters. The key is to pick a costume that represents a career that's aspirational, like an astronaut, debonair archaeologist, or robo-bullfighter. Children don't know about student loans yet -- they should still be allowed to dream big. Here's what you don't do: Don't just point to the next person you encounter in your day-to-day life and say, "That works. You'll be that guy."

1 Ensure That Someone Urinates On Your Child

Nobody likes the idea of their kid being bullied, but kids are notoriously creative when it comes to cruelty, so one of your jobs as a parent is to try to minimize the opportunities for such meanness. For instance, try to a choose a baby name that doesn't rhyme with, or even sorta sound like, any part of the human anatomy. On a similar note, don't dress up your kid like a goddamn toilet:

Barring early onset puberty coupled with a hereditary pee fetish, what child would ever want to dress up like a toilet? First things first, you're going to get peed on. Like, that's just a thing you need to accept if you're going trick-or-treating as a commode. If the bullies are big enough to hold you down, there's a good chance you're going to get pooped on too. So, please, don't wear this costume ever.

And, God forbid, if you do, don't point at your junk for pictures. We're pretty sure the child posing for this photo was heckled so hard his parents put him in WITSEC.

When he's not dressing up as a slutty comedy writer, Chris writes for his website and tweets.

For more costumes to avoid entirely, check out 16 Great Halloween Costumes For Telling Everyone You Suck and The 12 Most Deeply Unsexy Halloween Costumes.

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