11 Great Halloween Costumes For (People Who Hate Their) Kids
Apart from naming them, picking a Halloween costume is the most nerve-wracking decision you'll ever make for your kid. Perhaps even more so, because nobody has been hit by a car because their parents named them Gustavoprix, John-Michael-Jon-J'onn, or Table. And you have to do it every year. No one -- not even Cracked -- can tell you what the right costume is, but we can definitely tell you what the wrong ones are.
Invite Strangers To Grope Your Child
A costume based on the game Twister sounds harmless and adorable until you remember that Twister is about gymnastics and you just turned your child into a walking yoga mat. The question you need to ask yourself is this: Are you fine with all your daughter's classmates shouting, "LEFT HAND BOOB"? No? Then don't buy this costume.
"Left foot, your crotch, jackass."
Christ on a biscuit. We can't even call this a case of simple ignorance because the costume design puts a hand RIGHT OVER the prepubescent wearer's chest. It also comes with a spinner on a headband, so people will be able to flick at your daughter's forehead with impunity. And just to complete the utter creepiness, we could not find a boys' version of this thing:
Delete history, delete history, DELETE HISTORY.
Dress Your Kid Like Trash (Trash Not Included)
A trash can has more potential than you might immediately suspect: Oscar the Grouch, R2-D2, and Bender Rodriguez are all reasonable options if you're gung-ho on getting your kid in the garbage one night of the year. But if you're short on time or just plain don't like your child, you can always send them into the dark night as a regular old trash can, colored in headlight-absorbing black:
"That's a lovely 'levitating detritus' costume, young man."
The entry title wasn't us being snarky either; it literally says that in the description:
It's also the only Halloween costume that's more complicated to clean than a wedding dress.
Not only are you expected to dress your kid in your own shirt, pants, and shoes, but now you have to provide your own garbage? What is this, Soviet Russia?
Turn Your Kid Into A Pinata
Pinatas require physical aptitude and skill but still provide everybody with some candy, making it the ultimate kids' party game despite the mixed message it sends to bat-wielding children who don't fully grasp vertebrate anatomy yet. But as fun as it is, we have to question the wisdom of sending your child to school dressed as an object that traditionally has the crap beat out of it:
"Today's the day I earn the respect of my peers!"
Not only have you made your kid a target for every bully in a five-mile radius, you have to worry about all the lazy little bastards dressed up as little league players. This costume will immediately fire off the "sugar" and "casual violence" klaxons in their stupid fucking peanut reptile brains. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not allow your kid to wear this unless you're sadistically concocting a "Boy Named Sue" scenario.
Dress Your Kid Like Whatever The Hell This Thing Is
The official "description" refers to this thing as an earthworm, but that's pretty much the only thing we can conclusively say it's not:
Should your kid wear this, nobody will want to go to the prom with him 10 years later
(because his nickname's been "Alien Dick" for the past decade).
Right now, our best guess is a flesh-colored ear of corn or a colon. Either way, it sucks. The costume makers also sell this crime against nature in adult sizes, but that isn't going to make your child feel better as he tries to explain that he's not a peach-flavored turd all night. Even the kid in the picture clearly has the look of someone who is being punished and trying not to show it:
"It was either this or a trash can."
The Sensory Deprivation Land Shark
This one looks kinda cool at first:
"Just make sure you don't wear that around Grandpa Brody.
You don't want to trigger another flashback."
It has everything a good costume should -- a terrifying beast, graphic death and dismemberment, beady little eyes. But think about how you would actually wear this thing. You roll the giant felt condom over your child, but where do their hands go? If you said "the fins," apparently you suck at designing Halloween costumes, because their hands actually go into the legs in the shark's mouth, making your kid walk around like a raptor all night. And we use "walk" in the loosest sense of the word, since the bottom of the costume is so tight that their legs can't move freely, making them hobble around like Morticia Addams. And, hey, how the hell do they see out of this thing?
They don't. So maybe it's a good thing they can't move very fast, otherwise they'd be a giant, blind hazard to themselves. The reviews confirm that Bruce up there is a full-body-bind death trap. But if they do get the hang of this monstrosity, they can always get a job on Katy Perry's dance crew.
Related: In Australia, Sharks Can Walk
Baby's First Cigarette
If we had to make a list of "The 6 Worst Costumes For Your Kids To Be Wearing When Child Protective Services Comes Around," we'd probably put this bad boy at #2:
"Brought to you by Young Fritz cigars!"
"Not only are your parents awful but they can't roll a fatty worth shit."
To our knowledge, an e-cigarette version doesn't exist yet, but you'll know the second it does because nobody will be able to shut the fuck up about it.
Pinocchio: A Giant Choking/Tripping Hazard
Disney characters are always a hit with kids. There are plenty of classics to choose from, like Cinderella, Snow White, or Pinocchio:
"Guaranteed to make your child unable to walk or hold anything at all!"
Oh. Oooooh boy. This one is not going to end well. Hey, guys, how's a kid gonna walk with the marionette bits still attached to him? The first bush that kid passes is going to make him faceplant, and the first passing car he gets too close to is going to send his limbs spinning through the air, likely in different directions.
Everyone already knows Pinocchio is a puppet, right? We don't need the strings there to remind us of that. Hell, even in the actual movie, as soon as the Blue Fairy animates him in defiance of God and nature, Pinocchio loses the strings because the animators realized that every loose nail he passed would be a potential hanging/dismemberment hazard.
Ade Due Damballa! Give me the power, I beg of you!
Also, you're not fooling anyone with the following quote, Anytime Costumes. "Pinocchio is one of the most popular* characters boys love**."
What Is Even Happening Here
No one is even making an attempt at explaining what this is supposed to be. A pea? An eye-gouged Kermit after a big meal? An obese sports fan suffering from gangrene, or Violet Beauregarde on a trip to the Green Giant factory?
It's a scene from Willy Wonka And The Acceptable Brussels Sprout Warehouse,
which Roald Dahl agreed to write after a particularly onerous tax bill.
Guarantee Your Kid Gets Hit By A Car
This costume is similar in concept to the green blimp boy but with two crucial features removed: the ability for any driver to see the black-out costume and the removal of the air cushion that would soften the blow when the child is inevitably mowed down by a motorist:
"This is the same stuff they use on the stealth bomber!"
We really can't figure out the point of this costume, other than possibly being a faceless, formless shadow person and ... OK, yeah, that's a little creepy. Even if someone did manage to see the kid in their headlights, they might run him over anyway just to keep Hell at bay.
"That damn Pet Sematary has been nothing but trouble since they built it."
A Little Imagination Goes A Long Way
Occupational costumes are always a safe option for youngsters. The key is to pick a costume that represents a career that's aspirational, like an astronaut, debonair archaeologist, or robo-bullfighter. Children don't know about student loans yet -- they should still be allowed to dream big. Here's what you don't do: Don't just point to the next person you encounter in your day-to-day life and say, "That works. You'll be that guy."
"See, daddy? I'm dressed up like mommy's special friend!"
Not that there's anything wrong with being a UPS driver. If it wasn't for the fact that it's obviously a child in a picture, you might think you accidentally stumbled into the roleplay costumes section of the costume website. This is a problem for children, because you can carry the role of delivery man only so far without taking off your pants. You drop off the Amazon package and then what? Collect your actually quite large paycheck?
At least UPS drivers and mailmen get to play the role of a modern-day Santa Claus. We can see how kids could go for that. It's a little bit harder imagining the guy directing traffic during pothole repairs as a standout selection for a kids' costume party.
Jeans that show your crack sold separately.
While the reflective vest undoubtedly makes this a safe costume -- how do you play road crew? Make all the other kids late for class?
Well, they'll be around screaming kids all day, so we guess it's fitting.
Here we have Bus Driver and Waiter, which are curious choices, since an occupational Halloween costume usually represents a dream job you hope to have one day, and both of these jobs are ones you usually hold while daydreaming of other jobs. But if the prospect of holding down a steady job doesn't appeal to you, there's always the alternative ...
"I even sharpened my own spoon!"
Actually, there was a time when parents dressed their kids up like hobos for Halloween. So at least we aren't using society's most vulnerable and tragic population as costume fodder anymore. Yay, us?
Ensure That Someone Urinates On Your Child
Nobody likes the idea of their kid being bullied, but kids are notoriously creative when it comes to cruelty, so one of your jobs as a parent is to try to minimize the opportunities for such meanness. For instance, try to a choose a baby name that doesn't rhyme with, or even sorta sound like, any part of the human anatomy. On a similar note, don't dress up your kid like a goddamn toilet:
"It's a performance art piece representing where I'll have to eat lunch tomorrow to avoid my classmates."
Barring early onset puberty coupled with a hereditary pee fetish, what child would ever want to dress up like a toilet? First things first, you're going to get peed on. Like, that's just a thing you need to accept if you're going trick-or-treating as a commode. If the bullies are big enough to hold you down, there's a good chance you're going to get pooped on too. So, please, don't wear this costume ever.
And, God forbid, if you do, don't point at your junk for pictures. We're pretty sure the child posing for this photo was heckled so hard his parents put him in WITSEC.
For more costumes to avoid entirely, check out 16 Great Halloween Costumes For Telling Everyone You Suck and The 12 Most Deeply Unsexy Halloween Costumes.
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