Trying to stay on top of the news is like trying to defeat a swarm of killer bees by eating them. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so):

A FLORIDA SCHOOL DISTRICT APPROVED A $600K SETTLEMENT WITH THE FAMILIES OF THREE STUDENTS WHO DIED AFTER BEING HYPNOTIZED BY THEIR PRINCIPAL. TWo stud

Five months after 177 bikers were arrested for being involved in a brawl and shootout that left nine dead and 20 injured in Waco, Texas... Every singl

AUGUSTUS SOL INVICTUS, THE FLORIDA LIBERTARIAN CANDIDATE FOR U.S. SENATE, ADMITTED TO KILLING A GOAT AND DRINKING ITS BLOOD. Relax! It's not like it w

Source: BBC

DYNAMITE THEMED WEDDING FAVORS CAUSED A BOMB SCARE AT DENVER INT'L AIRPORT. Newlyweds with first names beginning with T gave small bottles topped wi

The 14 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (10/13)

Source: CNN

FOUR CALIFORNIATEENSI WERE ARRESTED FOR IPLOTTING A MASS SHOOTING AT THEIR HIGH SCHOOL. The suspects were reported after fellow students happened to o

A LEADING CHINESE BIOTECH FIRM WILL BEGIN SELLING MICRO PIGS As PETS. BGI has made several breakthroughs in the field of genome sequencing. However, t

Source: Nature

OVER THE PAST 20 YEARS SODA CONSUMPTHION HAS DROPPED BY MORE HHAN 25% The major soda bottlers have won recent battles over proposed soda taxes in New

A 22-YEAR-OLD MAN WAS SENTENCED TO ONE YEAR IN PRISON FOR SWAT'TING Matthew J. Tollis pled guilty to being involved in a number of swatting hoaxes, in

Source: ABC News

GOVERNOR ERRY BROWN SIGNED A CONTROVERSIAL BILL MAKING CALIFORNIA THE FIFTH RIGHT TO DIE STATE. Doctors can now prescribe. life-ending drugs to term

Source: NBC News

HARVARD'S NATIONAL CHAMPION DEBATE TEAM LOST TO A GROUP OF NEW YORK PRISON INMATES, The competition was held at Eastern New York Correctional Facility

Source: AP

The 14 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (10/13)

Source: CBS News

WE WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY 700 Qurghonteppa TARGET A PROTECTED MEDICAL FACILITY. The top U.S. commander in Afghanistan has called for his forces t

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