4

Gympie-Gympie: The Jellyfish Tree Of Endless Pain

Rainer Wunderlich/Wiki Commons

The Gympie-Gympie is a poisonous tree from Australia, even if it's named like a Legend Of Zelda enemy. Try to picture a shrubbery made out of syringes filled with acid and mace, and you'll more or less have a Gympie-Gympie.

Cgoodwin/Wiki Commons
Thank God that it has such a distinctive look, then.

Technically more of a shrub than a tree, the Gympie-Gympie's foliage is covered in tiny hairs which, upon contact with human skin, deliver a sting that can remain blindingly painful for up to several months -- or, if you're unlucky, over a year. One scientist (who was wearing welding gloves when she got stung) compared the sensation to "being burnt with hot acid and electrocuted at the same time." So not only is this the most painful tree known to man, it's also the kinkiest.

Norbert Fischer/Wiki Commons
"S S S S & M M M M."

3

Manchineel: The Death Apple Tree

Hans Hillewaert/Wiki Commons

The manchineel is a morbidly fascinating masterpiece of death and efficiency. Every part of the tree has been designed -- presumably by Mother Nature while she was dating Satan to piss off her parents -- to kill humans in the most horrifying ways possible.

Smithsonian Institution
"Shut up, mom. You don't get it. It's art!" -- Teenager Nature, probably.

Officially dubbed the "most dangerous tree" by Guinness World Records, the slightest bit of contact with manchineel's sap leaves its victims covered in blisters, and can even render one blind if it gets in their eyes. And that's just the sap. It's delicious-looking, tiny apple-like fruits can cause excruciatingly painful oral swelling, enlargement of the lymph nodes, bleeding in the throat, problems with breathing, and even death.

In addition, standing underneath the tree while it's raining can be enough to make you break out in blisters. And if you try to burn it, the tree will produce toxic smoke that causes blindness.

caymanwildlife.org
That sign seems awfully close to the tree. Note: "Awfully close" here means "less than two nautical miles."

2

Puya Chilensis: The Sheep-Eating Monster Of The Andes

Stan Shebs/Wiki Commons

A native of South America, Puya chilensis is a plant that grows up to 10 feet and feeds on the flesh of animals, which probably means that it's a big Venus flytrap that occasionally snatches a mouse or something, right? Nope! The Puya is basically a real-life version of the carnivorous monster plant from Little Shop Of Horrors. Only it's way more horrifying, because unlike Audrey II, this mean green mother from Chile is patient.

Laszlo Szalai/Wiki Commons
"Feed us, Seymour. That is, if you have the time. We can wait."

See, the Puya plants have a mini grove of leaves with sharp spines at their base, which have been known to trap small animals, like birds or rodents. And once they are entangled in the organic barbwire, there is no getting out of it. The trapped animal will remain at the foot of the Puya, slowly dying of thirst and hunger, until it finally croaks and starts decomposing. Then, the flower will absorb all of the nutrients that seeped into the ground, like Clive Barker's fertilizer.

Stan Shebs/Wiki Commons
If plants could talk, this one would only make creepy sexual "Mmmmmm" sounds.

1

Horsetail: The Plant That Reproduces Via Walking Spider Monsters

Rror/Wiki Commons

One of the major weaknesses of any evil plant out there is that they are bolted to the ground and can't chase after you. When shit goes down, humans reserve the right to get on their two legs and get the fuck out of there. It's what has kept us alive. It's what's going to help us win the Human-Plant war ... unless they send the Mobile Horsetail Brigade after us.

BBC
Don't worry, these are only microscopic.

Here's why you should be very scared right now: The Equisetum plants (horsetails) reproduce by giving birth to tiny spores with legs (or "elaters," if you want to get technical.) Once released, the spores' legs begin to curl and uncurl when the moisture levels change, allowing them to walk on the goddamn ground.

BBC
And of course they sort of look like spiders!

Oh, and the spider spores can also jump. No one knows why, exactly (probably to murder), but one explanation is that they do it to catch the wind and spread to other, more fruitful areas. And by "fruitful areas," we mean our brains (probably).

But that isn't the only explanation; it's just the only one that's a little bit beyond a wild guess. And that's the scariest part about these microscopic devils: No one knows why they have legs, how they learned to jump and walk, and what purpose those bone-like legs really serve. We know nothing. And in the future, when all that's left is the scorched Earth and the horsetail plants growing out of human skeletons littering the post-apocalyptic landscape, we'll know. But by then, it will be way too late.

BBC
Forget Global Warming. Let these motherfuckers burn.

Matthew Moffitt has a science fiction novel coming out in November for EDGE science fiction and fantasy. Follow him on Twitter for more info. Shannon Dell is a travel writer. Follow her at www.thestrangeandnew.com.

For more reasons it's time to arm ourselves for the oncoming war with Mother Nature, check out 5 Bizarre Ways The Weather Can Kill You Without Warning and The 5 Most Humiliating Ways The Wilderness Can Kill You.

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