6 Celebrities Who Got Really Depressing Since You Saw Them
Conventional wisdom says that having a little fame is better than having none -- as Lord Tennyson once said, "'Tis better to have been invited to Hollywood Squares and lost than never to have been invited at all." However, the descent from pop stardom to normal life can be so depressing and undignified, you'll probably wish you'd stayed a regular schmuck in the first place. After all, most people may never have fans or be on TV, but they'll also never go through shit like ...
Coolio Promotes A Porn Site, Is Losing His Dreads
Back in '95, Coolio had one of the biggest rap hits of all time with "Gangsta's Paradise," a song about either the unflinching nihilism of gang life or Michelle Pfeiffer and whimsical haircuts. (Hey, it's been 20 years.) We all sort of expected that "Gangsta's Paradise" earned him enough money to be set for life, unless he decided to go all MC Hammer on us. Sadly, it seems like those Kenan & Kel theme song residuals have dried up, because Coolio's now writing promotional songs for the less family-friendly client that is PornHub.
Yes, Coolio found it necessary to align himself with a purveyor of copyright-skirting porno. He announced this titanic team-up in a video he posted to YouTube, wherein a fake TMZ interviews the rapper about his new gig as spokes-MC for grainy Mia Khalifa clips with so many errors and flesh-colored polygons that her vagina looks like a game of Star Fox.
Coolio followed this up with a music video for "Take It To The Hub," a song he wrote -- let's paint this in the starkest terms -- about masturbating to PornHub. This video is fantastically not safe for work, but let's just say it features Coolio simulating an erection with a pool noodle, his misspelled Juggalo tattoo shining in the California sun.
This is literally the cleanest screencap we can show.
TMZ later reported that Coolio had signed an agreement with PornHub to release all his new music through the website, which is rather confusing, since PornHub isn't a record label. The rapper later refuted TMZ in an equal parts poignant and hilarious Rolling Stone interview, declaring that he's lost his love for rapping:
"I'm never doing a new album. I'll probably do nothing but singles. ... But I don't know how much longer I'll be doing it. It's not really fun anymore."
And delineating his personal philosophy on adult entertainment, which we have accompanied with a photo of Coolio, so you can imagine the words coming out his mouth:
"I don't even watch porn, bro. You know why? ... Because I am fuckin' porn. Why should I watch somebody do something that I could be doing? That doesn't make sense to me. If I want to see porn, I'll fuckin' put a mirror next to my bed."
You may have noticed that the act of being a 50-year-old man has pared Coolio's once-fertile forest of gravity-snubbing dreads to two patches of pigtails. This is because, as a Coolio ages, the Coolio slowly sheds his braids until he makes his final pilgrimage to the fabled Coolio Graveyard, where the ground is littered with the fossilized hair tendrils of all those Coolios who came before.
A Minor League Baseball Team Has To Apologize For Corey Feldman's Post-Game Concert
Corey Feldman was so famous in the '80s that he single-handedly (well, almost single-handedly) made the name "Corey" sound like a good idea. By starring in films like The Goonies, Gremlins, and Stand By Me, he made $1 million before age 15 ... which his parents immediately spent, but still, that's pretty impressive.
While you probably assumed that Feldman's current occupation is full-time drug addict, simply due to the fact that he was famous as a kid, we're happy to report that he has managed to escape the pull of cannabis, cocaine, and candy corn that nearly swept him away in the '90s. Instead, he holds confusing lingerie parties and formed a rock band called Corey Feldman & The Angels, which is without a doubt an outcome.
Again: Not a drug addict! Probably!
The Angels should not be confused with Feldman's other band, Corey Feldman's Truth Movement, because that one could actually be mistaken for a real rock group if you look at them from the corner of your eye and don't buy their CD. The Angels, on the other hand, are just a bunch of nominally clad models dancing around Feldman as he pulls off the greatest Michael Jackson impersonation your middle school's talent show ever witnessed. That is precisely the spectacle Feldman presented in front of a befuddled audience at a minor league baseball game in Pennsylvania this year:
"Hey, Phil, are those new socks?"
The State College Spikes ended up apologizing for Feldman's concert -- mainly because they didn't hire him to do one. He was supposed to do a meet-and-greet with fans (as in, "people who remember the '80s") but unilaterally decided to promote his new musical venture.
"Carlton from The Fresh Prince never pulled this shit." -paraphrased quote from this article.
Feldman claims that as a result of this erotically charged minor league baseball concert, he was fired from an upcoming job as the emcee for the Special Olympics, all of which is a nonfiction sentence.
Kevin Sorbo Is Slowly Morphing Into Rush Limbaugh
Kevin Sorbo is famous for playing the Fabio-est version of the mythical hero in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys -- the same hit '90s show that gave us Xena: Warrior Princess and taught us that the Greeks invented basketball.
Thanks to this show, we still believe we'll meet a poorly animated three-headed dog when we die.
More recently, Sorbo played the asshole Professor Radisson in the religious film God's Not Dead, the movie adaptation of the Marine Todd meme. Apparently, Sorbo is really into method acting, because he's started mimicking his character by being a huge asshole in real life, too. Over the past year or so, Sorbo has been on a tear, basically fulfilling every stereotype of the over-the-top right wing jackass. In one interview he claimed that he had figured out why atheists are such hateful people:
"On the one hand, I feel sorry for them, but then I kind of laugh at them. ... I know these guys must believe in something; otherwise, they wouldn't get so angry about it, and they don't like the fact that there is a higher power out there that is judging how they live their life."
Eh, Zeus doesn't look too bothered by our moral debauchery.
Not long before that, he went ahead and compared Ferguson protesters to animals:
" an excuse to be the losers these animals truly are. It is a tipping point to frustration built up over years of not trying, but blaming everyone else, The Man, for their failures. It's always someone else's fault when you give up."
Some other tracks from his Greatest Hits album include classics like "Hey Jews: Don't Forget You Killed Jesus" and the recent breakout hit "The Left Banned The Confederate Flag (Because They're Offended By Everything)." What exactly made him angry at so much of the world? Much to our surprise, he believes that he can't get any more acting roles because he's a Christian, and not because he's Modern-Day Kevin Sorbo.
"Fuck me, I should have invested in Google. Poorly animated three-headed dog has a villa now."
Just to be clear: We are not saying that all conservatives or all Christians are assholes. We are simply saying that Kevin Sorbo is 1) conservative, 2) Christian, and incidentally 3) a big enough asshole to affect the orbit of nearby celestial bodies. Oh well. We'll always have the Lernaean Hydra, Kev.
Everyone Makes A Point Of Ignoring Brandy
Brandy constitutes 50 percent of the singers in "The Boy Is Mine," that hit single from 1998 in which she and fellow R&B chanteuse Monica are caught in a love triangle with an unnamed paramour, who some experts speculate was actually 81-year-old Airwolf actor Ernest Borgnine.
The song was originally titled "The Boy Is Borgnine," of course.
In that decade that followed, Brandy had a string of hit albums where she made listeners ask themselves hard questions like, "Have You Ever?" Or, "What About Us?" Today, she mostly makes people wonder, "Who is Brandy?" -- even though she has the starring role in Chicago on Broadway, it seems that recognition has gotten hard to come by in recent years, since she's suddenly found herself playing to smaller crowds than your kindergarten graduation.
One particularly sad example happened in 2013, when Brandy was invited to South Africa to perform at an event in the 94,000-seat FNB Stadium. The event started off with a soccer match, and once the game was over and the traditional fan-riot blood had been cleaned up from the seats, a series of musical performances began, with Brandy wrapping up the show. There was only one problem: Nobody told Brandy's fans that she would be performing. As the night went on, fans slowly trickled out of the stadium, until Brandy finally started her performance to a whopping crowd of 40 people. A good percentage of which were paying more attention to Twitter, apparently.
The media failed to report a sinister note reading, "That was for Ernie -M."
By the way, that's including the TV audience of zero people, because the broadcast actually stopped before she started to perform. She got through two songs before walking off stage, at which point the 40 people watching presumably disassembled the stage, clocked out of their jobs, and headed home.
Even that isn't as bad as what happened earlier this year, when Brandy decided to give an impromptu subway performance in New York City. After leaving her workout at the gym, she got onto a train and belted out a song while a friend of hers recorded it on his phone. And then, once the song concluded, the subway car erupted into ... silence. Afterward, she looked around, confused, wondering why these people wouldn't want to hear someone singing at the top of their lungs at the end of a long work day.
Ever farted in an elevator and then realized you were stuck with these people for a few more minutes?
We have to applaud the guy who came up to Brandy to tell her that she has talent and that she should "go for it!" She might even get on the radio after hearing that kind of encouragement.
Tyga's Album Flops, So He Writes A Song About The Joys Of Underage Sex
Tyga is best known for the 2011 hip-hop hit "Rack City" and a few other songs we forgot the names of, like "Intercourse With Stout-Breasted Gals" and "Rapping All Day Long!" Kylie Jenner, on the other hand, is known for being a tinier version of her sister Kim Kardashian and also for being the same age as the movie Titanic.
What do you get when you combine these two things? A career move that would make disgraced 1950s rock star Jerry Lee Lewis facepalm (and he married his 13-year-old cousin).
They look like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian standing in front of a funhouse mirror.
After enjoying a string of successes with his previous three albums all hitting the top 10, Tyga's newest album couldn't even make the Billboard 200; in the first week, it sold only 2,200 copies, compared to the 67,000 his previous one sold in the same timespan. Even if you factored in streaming, which Tyga really, really wanted you to do, you're only looking at about 5,000 sales -- more people will have read this article within an hour of it being posted, and we'll readily admit we're way worse rappers than this guy.
Tyga's response to this deafening apathy? A mixtape, the theme of which boiled down to "penetrating one of Time's 25 Most Influential Teens of 2014":
Thus marking the only time "I love statutory rape!" has been harnessed as a strategy
for winning back your audience.
The music video for the above song, "$timulated," shows the 25-year-old Tyga slobbering all over the littlest Kardjenner, in case anyone had any doubts that this was about her. In another delightful track from the bombed album, he says:
"I did it! I wrote the 'Lemon Incest' of the 21st century!"
Tyga denied the songs were about the then-17-year-old Jenner, but as soon as her age changed to "legally capable of consent" some months later, they confirmed they were dating. The only suitable coda we can give this dumb-as-balls tale is that "$timulated" features a prominent sample of Robert Miles' cornball 1990s EDM anthem titled ... wait for it ... "Children."
George Lucas ... Damn, Guy
We know what you're about to say, readers. Yes, we are psychic, and no, George Lucas is not in any danger of going bankrupt anytime soon. This is a man who is so amazingly rich that when he received $4 billion for selling his franchise to Disney, he gave basically all of it to charity because he didn't need it. So no, the man will never have to work again. But that's also sort of the problem.
Earlier this year, fans were surprised to see Lucas browsing Midtown Comics in Times Square. He apparently spent 15 minutes wandering through the store, looking at all of the Star Wars comics and paraphernalia while his driver waited outside, probably looking forlornly through the car window while sad orchestra music played in the background. He bought some comic books, signed one for a fan, and even posed for a picture.
Look at him. He has the countenance of a mama bird whose baby bird has left the nest forever. Also, that baby bird is a 1 million-ton nuclear hell phoenix who has a 9-mile-long wish-granting scimitar for a beak.
The face of a man whose children grew up and all immediately applied for restraining orders.
Also, did you know a new George Lucas movie came out this past January? No? Well, you're not alone. Nobody fucking did!
His latest project -- a critically lambasted CGI fantasy musical called Strange Magic that he wrote for his daughters -- was the worst-performing animated film in cinema history, and the 7th-worst performing film that opened in more than 3,000 theaters. For comparison, the newest Dragon Ball Z film made over $8 million domestically in fewer than 1,000 theaters, compared with Strange Magic making $12 million in 3,000. For a yet more depressing comparison, Revenge Of The Sith banked $380 million domestically.
"The movie got no press, because reporters kept asking me, 'What is Chewie's favorite pizza?'
And I can't legally answer that anymore."
Poor George. All he can do now is retire early with $5 billion, a 4,700-acre estate, his wife, and his four children. But what kind of a life is that?
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