Staying on top of current events is like trying to drink from a fire hose, only instead of a hydrant it's hooked up to a sewer line. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so):

D E LTA AIR LINES flight 1889 was en route from Boston to Salt Lake City when a violent hailstorm engulfed the plane... SEVERELY DAMAGING THE WINDSHIE

Winona Ryder recently CONFIRMED statements previously made by Michael Keaton and Tim Burton, that a BEETLEJUICE SEQUEL IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING. CRACKED.

NTSB INVESTIGATORS SAY THE WALMART TRUCK DRIVER THAT CRASHED INTO TRACY MORGAN'S LIMO HAD GONE 28 HOURS WITHOUT SLEEP BEFORE THE ACCIDENT. Driver fat

The 13 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (8/18)

CRACKEDc COM 123 CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET, HOW TO GET TO SESAME STREET? FOR THE NEXT 5 SEASONS, IT'LL HAVE TO BE WITH AN HBO SUBSCRIPTION. Desperate

The 13 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (8/18)

PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL HILLARY CLINTON HANDED HER PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER OVER TO THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, An earlier sampling of Clinton's emails revealed

SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED CANNABIS RESIDUE IN 400-YEAR-OLD TOBACCO PIPES FOUND IN WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S GARDEN. CAEE WILUE FNLUNS Of course, there's no co

State ReP. Todd Courser intenfionally sent an anonymous, mass email to all his suPporterS portraying himself as a bisexual porn-addicted sex deviant

ASTRONAUTS ABOARD THE INT'L SPACE STATION ENJOYED THE FIRST-EVER MEAL OF IVEGETABLES GROWN ENTIRELY IN SPACE! The red romaine lettuce was dressed with

Victor Twartz, a 91-year-old retired dental surgeon from Sydney, Australia, has become possibly the oldest person to ever be charged with drug traffic

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