Staying on top of current events is like trying to keep an accurate count of the wolves who are currently chasing you through the woods. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so):

YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF. A NEW MEXICO 911 DISPATCHER HAS RESIGNED AFTER REFUSING TO HELP A PANICKING CALLER. Jaydon Chavez-Silver, age 17, was

OKLAHOMA'S SUPREME COURT REAFFIRMED THE REMOVAL OF A TEN COMMANDMENTS MONUMENT PLACED AT ITS CAPITOL. Conservative legislators are now threatening to

Source: Yahoo News. Meanwhile ...

The 5atanic Temple recently unveiled a controversial statue of Baphomet at an industrial site near the Detroit River, after unsuccessfully lobbying to

Source: Reuters

It's been determined that a piece of debris found on REUNION ISLAND (located about 420 miles east of Madagascar in the Indian Ocean) is almost certain

Source: Reuters

CECIL THE LION UPDATED Walter Palmer, the dentist who paid $50k to lure Cecil out of a protected park and shoot him with a bow and arrow, remains in h

RECENT STUDIES FOUND THAT BULLIES TEND TO HAVE HIGH SELF-ESTEEM AND SOCIAL STATUS, ALONG WITH THE LOWEST RATES OF DEPRESSION. PLUS, THEY HAVE MORE SEX

Fearing a type of arms race that could result in the end af the human race... Tesla's ELON MUSK, Apple co-founder STEVE WOZNIAK, and famous theoreti

WINDOWS 10 HAS LAUNCHED TO MOSTLY GREAT REVIEWS. Microsoft reported 14 million downloads in the first 24 hours. Some of the early complaints include:

The 14 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (8/4)

THE SCHMITT FAMILY, who hunt for treasure from their vessel named AARRR Booty, found about $1MILLION worth of gold in the wreckage of 1715 Spanish fle

A bicyclist in Boise, Idaho, STAKTED A WILDFIRE that burned 73 acres after he stopped to poop in a ravine, THEN BURNED THE TOILET PAPER. Authorities a

BOSTON HAS PASSED ON ITS POTENTIAL BID TO HOST THE 2024 OLYMPICS. Critics left sufficient doubt in the minds of the mayor and governor to cause both t

Source: Yahoo News

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