Hey, remember how all the elves look like small children? Now the true horror of that premise comes to light, as we meet Mrs. Claus' OB-GYN, who is a small boy. Ask any woman; we pretty much guarantee she'll tell you that this scene is scarier than all the Saw movies combined.
Walt Disney Studios"I warned you two about covering your North Pole."
It turns out that Mrs. Claus' parents don't know about the whole Santa business. They think she's married to a normal dude who's just super into Kenny Rogers or something. So they have to lie and pretend they live in Canada with a little help from Santa's pal the Sandman (played by Worf), who magically roofies them.
Walt Disney Studios
Walt Disney Studios"Hey, are there any side effects to that stuff?"
Right when you think we couldn't be further away from celebrating the birth of Christ, this movie also throws time travel into the mix. Yeah, why the hell not? Who gives a shit? Instead of a message about generosity or some crap, the rest of the movie is essentially Back To The Future Part 2, with the evil Jack Frost travelling back to the events of the first movie and becoming Santa instead of Scott.
Walt Disney StudiosMoments before he accidentally crashes his sleigh into a pile of manure.
Then we get a "Bad 1985"-like timeline in which Tim Allen is still an executive, his son is a piece of shit, and his ex-wife's second marriage has somehow fallen apart because he's not Santa. Really, how tenuous was her marriage that her ex-husband's job ruined their whole relationship? And she works in (gasp) customer service now. Also Biff- sorry, Jack Frost, has turned the North Pole into a casino- sorry, resort.
Walt Disney StudiosWith gambling.
Santa forces Frost back in time again, then fixes the timeline by using the magic of ... wrestling a guy to the ground and pinning him there.
Walt Disney Studios"How about some visions of sugar plums punched in your head!"
Then he ... you know what, we're done here. I can't talk about these movies anymore. This is over. *Slurps eggnog.* Merry Christmas, everybody. Remember to put out your milk and cookies and bear traps if you want to claim Santa's powers for yourself.
You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability.
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