Judging from the news, the cabal of powerful people who secretly run the world have all dropped a shitload of acid recently. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so):

The 13 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (7/28)

Source: CNN

STEPHEN HAWKING HAS JOINED YURI MILNER'S $100 MILLION VENTURE TO DETECT ALIEN LIFE. The program will: cover 10 times more space than earlier efforts a

THE ASHLEY MADISON CHEATING WEBSITE HAS BEEN HACKED. The attack was apparently in response to the website's $19 pay-to-delete option, which is being c

FRENCH SATIRICAL MAGAZINE CHARLIE HEBDO WILL NO LONGER PUBLISH CARTOONS OF THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD. Editor Laurent Sourisseau said the magazine accomplis

Source: Newsweek

Hoping to repeat the success of THE LEGO MOVIE WARNER BROS. announced that it will be making a MINERAFT MOUIE, directed by It's Always Sunny In Philad

TWO TOP EDITORS FOR GAWKER MEDLA QUIT AFTER CLASHING WITH MANAGEMENT OVER THE REMOVAL OF ACONTROVERSIAL ARTICLE. The post outed media executive, who h

Source: Wired

A SEQUEL TO JURASSIC WORLD HAS ALREADY BEEN ANNOUNCED. The movie is currently the film of all time with $1.54 billion in ticket sales. CRACKEDG Meanwh

A GRIM DISCOVERY WAS MADE RECENTLY, when authorities in Caldwell County North Carolina, found a 1968 Pontiac SUBMERGED IN LAKE RHODHISS. Sadly, it con

Source: NBC News

HARPER LEE'S LOST NOVEL GO SETA WATCHMAN SOLD 1.1 MILLION COPIES IN ITS FIRST WEEK. The Timeless That niles Human Dipnity the TOKIT A TOKILLA SET GO

A man named Peter McCathie recently hit Canada's Atlantic Lottery for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. He and his daugther have both survived BEING STRUCK BY LIGH

Source: CTVNews.com

AFTER 54 YEARS OF SEVERED TIES, THE U.S. AND CUBA HAVE REOPENED THEIR EMBASSIES IN HAVANA AND WASHINGTON. WELCOME of DaY ANOTHer INFAMY Obameries wilh

Source: CNN

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