Cracked Writers
·
There were heroes. There were weapons. And there was Killdozer...
George Washington couldn't tell a lie, but he could spend loads of cash on booze, birthday parties, and making loans to deadbeat buddies while one-sixth of the army starved.
"The food situation was so desperate that Washington sent troops to as far away as New Jersey to 'forage' -- better known as 'stealing food from random people so our army doesn't die of starvation. But on his birthday, he used his expense account to eat mutton and fowl, and even hired a band to play."
"Marvin got off the boat. Marvin quit the whole fuckin' program."
"The bulldozer, which came to be known as the Killdozer since that really is the only appropriate name for it, was hit with over 200 rounds of ammunition and three small explosions that barely left a scratch on it."
Er... at least he eventually got recognized? Dick move, Japan.
"The fact that Chiune saved thousands of people from slaughter took a distant back seat to the fact that he disobeyed an order, pretty much the worst thing a Japanese person could do at the time. He may as well have been working around the clock stabbing 6,000 puppies."
There's such a total void of Black Widow merchandise that even Mark Ruffalo publicly tweeted Marvel about the problem. You know, the company that regularly drives dump trucks full of money to his house.
"There are probably countless young girls who left The Avengers and Guardians Of The Galaxy wanting to be Black Widow or Gamora. Unfortunately, as far as Marvel is concerned, those girls should stick to Barbies and ponies."
Incarcerated MacGyvers discovered that you can make a flamethrower out of powdered coffee creamer!
"The granules would pass through the flame and ignite like a Rammstein concert, so most prisons nowadays cruelly force their inmates to drink their coffee black."
If you're a gun-owning, dues-paying member of the NRA, it doesn't give two shits what you think - it's around to act as a hype/PR man for the gun lobby. "The NRA represents regular gun owners the same way the National Pork Board represents regular pigs."
"In the U.S., children can be arrested for snapchatting stupid shit with an Airsoft gun. Not interviewed, not chatted with -- arrested and hauled down to the station. Teenagers can be charged for pulling an emoji of a gun on Facebook. Ted Nugent has lots of real weapons; these days that's his entire deal, but he just gets to go onstage, wave a gun, scream about the coming struggle, and talk about shooting people on camera, and it's fine?"
The cockpit window shattered. A flight attendant held onto the pilot's legs as he dangled into the clouds. And the co-pilot? He landed that winged bastard on the ground.
"Aside from the flight attendant next to him clutching the pilot's legs with all of his strength, the sudden decompression also pulled the cockpit door into the cockpit, which blocked access to the throttle. When Atchison tried to get on the radio to declare an emergency, he couldn't hear the response due to all the chaos erupting around him."
"Catastrophic organ failure" is a disturbingly common side effect you'll see in the fine print on bipolar disorder medication, but according to our source, "I need the medication, and taking time to find the right one is absolutely worth the brutal trial and error."
"For reasons of laziness, and the generally low number of practicing psychiatrists who are also screenwriters, bipolar disorder is often portrayed by Hollywood as 'generic crazy person's disease.' As a result, people with the disorder are forced to deal with the double-decker suck-bus of a life complicated by mental illness, and having everyone around them think they're a dangerous lunatic just waiting to bloom."
Texas knows that the best way to do history is to ignore it completely.
11 Comments