5 Hilarious Ways Angry Protests Proved The Other Side Right
Despite all the advancements we've made in communication technology, it seems good ol' fashioned protests remain civilization's favorite way of expressing disdain. A hashtag can't replace an enraged chant. A Facebook status is no match for a hundred picket signs. And while a YouTube comments section may attract the same number of Nazis as a Nazi march, one of them is a lot easier to ignore.
The main thing protests and social media have in common, though, is how easily they can blow up in everyone's faces. Whether it's from a lack of foresight, a lack of common sense, or a ridiculous cause to begin with, it doesn't take much to cause a protest to implode hilariously. Here are some that did:
Anti-Gay-Marriage Group Protests In The Least Heterosexual Way Possible
When you picture an anti-gay-marriage protest, you probably picture angry people passing along angry messages from their angry God. Or maybe you're picturing an alliance of cake decorators who refuse to compromise their butch art by trying to match fondant with two groom figures (there simply isn't enough contrast to make the icing pop!). Whatever anti-gay protest you're picturing, you almost certainly weren't picturing something this shirtlessly homoerotic:
"How does the hand-holding help our position again? Because this seems self-defeating."
To give some context: France legalized same-sex marriage in 2013, and there has been more opposition than one might expect. Groups like Hommen and La Manif Pour Tous (The Protest For Everyone) regularly demonstrate with tens of thousands of supporters against the equal rights of gay citizens. Hommen is a direct response to the Ukrainian feminist organization Femen, which is known for writing slogans on their bare chests to garner more attention for their message. Likewise, the boys in Hommen like to write messages about how terrible gay people are ... on their own exposed, luscious abs. While ... sometimes wearing masquerade masks, homemade ball gags, and exceptionally colorful pants.
If you think that sends a bit of a mixed message about the group's feelings toward the gay community, allow us to introduce you to La Manif Pour Tous, arguably the largest and most popular group of "traditional marriage" crusaders in France.
"Protest traditional marriage? Shit, we thought you said, 'Mostest sensational man bridge.'"
That's them, perched atop each other's shoulders as if a horny billionaire said, "Bring me a dick the size of four men. No, a dick made of four men." That photo, along with the dozens of others featuring equally homoerotic horseplay, is intended to promote traditional family values. Maybe by seducing men away from their husbands? By setting the bar of homoeroticism so high all gays give up? Is it a culture gap? Can the message behind a stack of shirtless men in pink shorts really change so much over a single ocean?
Apparently, flagdick is also culturally specific.
The point we're trying to make is that teabagging your shirtless pal's neck on a giant wooden pole isn't the most direct way to get your anti-gay agenda across. And to make matters worse, this organization has inadvertently doomed itself. Because of the way the French government defines homosexuality, you are legally gay the moment you're three men up a half-nude man pole. That means 40 percent of La Manif Pour Tous members are protesting themselves by the time they're done with each group picture.
Speaking of which ...
A Baptist Church Accidentally Directs Festival-Goers To A Hardcore Gay Porn Site
Rock music and protests have gone hand-in-hand since the first swiveling hips caused teen sin rates to spike. And more than 60 years later, there are still people who are certain that 4/4 backbeat rhythm is responsible for the devil entering their daughters' sex glands. Most of those people belong to organizations like the Open Door Baptist Church, a classically trained hate group struggling to remind the good Christians of South Carolina that Marilyn Manson shares different values. Also, and this next part may shock you: They don't like gay people.
Those two objectives came together outside of Carolina Rebellion, a two-day music festival featuring hard-rock icons (and Sammy Hagar). During the show, while Sammy Hagar prepared for that inevitable burn, the Open Door Baptist Church stood outside the festival and informed gays and Papa Roach fans they were all on their way to Hell.
Luckily, their favorite band is already in heavy rotation on every Hell radio station.
Protesters carried typically out-of-touch signage like "There Is No Relief In Hell" and "God Hates Your Sin." Each sign had a hand-written link at the bottom, directing festival-goers to the organization's website, WarningsOfWrath.com, which would further enlighten them on the downfalls of being gay or interested in Slipknot.
Slipknot fans, they do not make signs big enough to list your transgressions.
You wouldn't expect the tech department of an organization protesting a decades-old music trend with a centuries-old concept of morality to be inept, but the guy in charge of renewing Open Door Baptist Church's domain name fucked up. After their protest, a Reddit user noticed the lapse, bought their domain name, and redirected it to a hardcore gay porn site. This meant that anyone who visited the church's site for more information about how their homosexuality was sending them to Hell was getting some very mixed, very erotic messages.
Specifically, "Repent and be shaved."
It should be noted this is no gentlemanly man-on-man pornography, either. The porn site in question was ScaryFuckers.com, which specializes in "Gay Skinhead Porn." It's an unspeakable concept that an Internet user of any experience could have already guessed existed. What would your reaction be if you were visiting a religious hate group's website and saw it was Nazi men sensually curb-stomping each other's genitals? It would probably be something very close to, "Oh. Oh, of course this is what their website looks like." And that is why this prank was so great.
Though, if you prefer your protest website switcheroos to be a little less profane ...
German Xenophobes Get Tricked Into Marching In Support Of Immigrants
In January of 2015, an anti-Islam group in Germany, MVGIDA, gathered to protest immigration. Their idea was brilliant -- they would march while shouting stereotypical epithets at no one in particular. It's the same way Mel Gibson reviews unsatisfactory Indian-food delivery on Yelp. During the protests, helpful activists were on hand to distribute stickers and banners to those who were dedicated enough to spend their day screaming hate at passersby but not invested enough to make their own signs. Each piece of protest paraphernalia was emblazoned with a logo for MVGIDA.de, which the protesters assumed must be the official MVGIDA website.
And presumably some Photoshopped insanity so they wouldn't stick out.
The problem is that none of the handouts supporting the cause were as pro-intolerance as they seemed. At first glance, it looked like the standard evil MVGIDA was known for. Hateful rhetoric, a list by Mel Gibson of the 20 Worst Mexican Countries, and nude Nazis curb-stomping one another's eager genitals, whatever. But partway through the demonstration, the "helpful activists" pulled the ol' bait and switch, transforming the website listed on all the signs into something a little more progressive.
The anti-Islamic sentiments were replaced with indictments of the MVGIDA protesters, with commands to "Inform yourself" and "Stop parroting slogans." Included were links to more suitable ways to voice concerns as well as helpful instructions on how to be less of a horrible asshole. The sudden switch from hate to inspiration was like watching Hulk Hogan's career in reverse.
"Take back the knight!"
The ingenious fake website scheme was concocted by counter-protesters who wanted to lure in the type of ignorant people who would latch onto a catchphrase instead of forming their own unique opinions on politics. Think how infuriating it would be after a hard day of marching to find out you were actually inspiring people instead of hating them. It'd be like Mel Gibson screaming at a delivery driver and later finding out the n-word means "you can achieve your dreams" in Tagalog.
So, yeah, a little less hilarious than the Nazi porn thing but probably a little more constructive. Probably.
London Cabbies Protest Uber, Drive People Into Uber's Arms
Taxicabs are pretty much our culture's smelliest links to the pre-Internet era, when people waved down strange men in cars and paid them to get lost and pretend their credit card machine was broken. Uber threatened to erase that connection by making every part of it easier and better, but taxis were not going down without a cranky, smelly fight.
Much like keeping the meter running, they were willing to fight
for longer than anyone thought possible.
There were (and are) some legitimate concerns about an unregulated business putting people in cars with complete strangers. Cab drivers may be traffic-weaving, untrustworthy creatures, but Uber drivers have already grabbed headlines for sexual assaults, abductions, and hitting passengers in the head with hammers. They're isolated incidents, but they seem to confirm every cab driver's prediction: Uber is an elaborate trick to kill you and my card machine is about to break again -- only cash, no card, only cash.
In order to rescue citizens from the dangers of unregulated anarchy, cabbies all across Europe fought against Uber in a brilliant way. In London, Milan, Berlin, and Paris, they executed "Operation Escargot," which was exactly what it sounds like -- a plan to get in the way and make traffic move at a snail's pace. Or extortion by obstruction. Or "snorlaxing," as the kids like to say:
Unfortunately, it mostly seemed to confuse people as to why there were so many cabs stopped in the road. And for the people who knew why the taxis were intentionally blocking traffic, everyone did the same thing we all do when someone blocks traffic -- started fucking hating them. It wasn't just free publicity for Uber; it immediately increased their download rate by 850 percent. You can't buy advertising like that. If the next version of iOS software replaced every image on your iPhone with skinhead porn, Android sales would not increase as much. If Pepsi decided to include a mouse in every third can of soda, Coca-Cola marketers would say, "This is going to be huge for us! I mean, not 'European taxi drivers protesting Uber' huge, but pretty big!"
Politician Mistakenly Protests YMCA Kids
America was founded on the idea of welcoming everyone, but you would never know that from the way we immediately started treating immigrants. Recently, a "crisis" erupted on our border where Central American children were seeking asylum from the gang violence in their countries. They were, of course, welcomed with open, generous arms.
"Go back to El Venezuelo, you fuckin' 6-year-olds!!!"
In Oracle, Arizona, congressional candidate Adam Kwasman heard that a bus full of these illegal child immigrants was headed to a nearby ranch. He did what any real patriot would do: He rallied a mob to scream at young children, because, and we quote, "Barack Obama, and lawlessness, and Nancy Pelosi, and lawlessness."
With the "Star-Spangled Banner" blaring, the mob closed in on the goddamn illegal child migrants. Kwasman took a photo of the offending yellow school bus and tweeted:
That'll show 'em, Adam!
Satisfied with justice being served, he called it a day for heroism and left the protest. Unfortunately for this American hero, it turns out the children on the bus were only fleeing from nearby Arizona suburbs for the asylum of their YMCA day camp. This nutbag douche rallied a crowd to scare American children on their way to an afternoon of outdoor adventure.
Since he left before everyone figured this out, Adam later told a reporter in Phoenix of his bravery and how he "was actually able to see some of the children in the buses. The fear on their faces ..." Like Adam's entire motivating philosophy, this story of him seeing the kids' faces was bullshit. The children were laughing and taking pictures like most children would if their bus was suddenly chased by confused white trash. Outed as a liar, a racist, and a goddamn idiot, Kwasman stammered a few apologies before rushing off to delete his tweet.
His failure that day was so great, it set intolerance back decades. In a single day, he made it so xenophobic maniacs all along America's borders will now have to question things being yelled at them during child-intimidation rallies.
"You made me stop believing in hate-mongering racists, you asshole!"
These people should've taken a page out of Voina's book and just had orgies in a bunch of places. See what we mean in 5 Ridiculously Badass Protests Against Oppressive Regimes. Or if going full monty isn't in the cards, just de-pants like the Korean soccer fan in The 6 Most WTF Protesters Ever Photographed.
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