Screw whatever your parents told you. You'll get far more attention doing weird shit than keeping on the straight and narrow.
Thankfully, niceness can be corrected with a newspaper smack on the nose, or a couple of solid heartbreaks.
"Nice guys think their good intentions make up for their pathetic failure to deliver. They're the Democratic Party of boyfriends."
To keep these paint-wielding strangers out of their stomping grounds, the homeless set up elaborate, and sometimes lethal, Home Alone-esque booby traps.
"The less lucky ones might find themselves impaled on a spike, or neck-deep in a communal toilet filled with months of hobo shit. Which shouldn't sound any worse than normal shit, but it somehow does, doesn't it?"
Aaaaaaand our Facebook intern just left us for Chipotle. Great, now *we* have to do this.
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang [my Vice President] John C. Calhoun."
Gee, guys, we're starting to think that maybe Christopher Columbus isn't the best role model.
FUN EXTRA WRINKLE TO THIS STORY: in 2014, Rachel Dolezal encouraged people to boycott 'Exodus: Gods and Kings' for casting white actors as Africans.
Congratulate someone with a hearty "Hip Hip Hooray!" today? It's adapted from "hep hep," a German rallying cry that was uttered while Jew hunting in the 1800s.
"Have you ever worried that, no matter how hard you try, you'll just never be racist enough? Well, you're in luck."
Even when you know that it's just air escaping the body, hearing a corpse moan is shit-your-pants scary nearly every time.
"Because of limited space, after we cut away the front half of your ribcage, it might just end up wherever happens to be most convenient, like on your face or genitalia, where it will rest like a nightmarish bone bikini."
"I'm on the Brute Squad."
Now that gay marriage is the law of the land, we're sure you have many pressing questions. Let David Wong set you straight!
"If You Are a Heterosexual and Do NOT Want to Enter into a Homosexual Marriage: You will not be required to marry a gay person. This is a common misunderstanding. This decision actually does not affect you in any way."