10 Cracked Classics Everyone Went Nuts For Last Week - 6/14
History often doesn't make a lick of sense. Vikings were into judicatin'. The dictionary was written by a madman. Mother Theresa was a faithless husk. But one thing always remained true: Christopher Lee was one slick operator.
How could Mother Theresa, a Nobel Peace Prize-winning, three-quarters canonized woman, manage to keep her faith while waddling elbow deep in the hellish conditions of Indian poverty? It turns out she didn't.
"Shortly after Mother Theresa's death, her Vatican caretakers found dozens of letters written by her, along with a note that said they should all be burned without reading. Naturally, such instructions can only lead to one thing: The letters were immediately and gleefully ripped open to see what she had to hide."
Be glad you never stuck a quarter in "Polybius" because: 1) Your brain might have melted and, 2) THEY would know.
"Kids hooked on the game began experiencing side effects like nausea, sleep disturbance and aversion to video games. Some sources claim the side effects were more violent: selective amnesia, horrifying nightmares, suicidal tendencies and 'the inability to become sad.'"
When a 3-year-old boy fell into a gorilla enclosure at the Brookfield Zoo in Illinois, help was on the scene immediately. Help was also a primate.
"One has to wonder if these gorillas are naturally empathetic to our young or if they just feel sorry for how stupid we apparently are."
So many comedians have struggled with drugs, alcohol, and depression, the list is even huge if you restrict yourself to Jerrys (Lewis, Seinfeld, Mouse).
"This is all terrible information for professional comedians, but what about everyday schmucks who just happen to be funny? Bad news, funny guy. You might be in trouble, too. "
The USS William D. Porter was a bumblef@ck of a destroyer that seemingly couldn't sail ten feet without screwing up.
"Now, there are occasions when you have to break radio silence, like if for instance something even worse than being discovered by the enemy will happen if you don't. You'd think that 'just shot a torpedo at the president' would be one of those times when you have to break the rule for the greater good. Not according to the brainiacs on the Porter. "
That's right. This guy is responsible for a goodly chunk of the greatest dictionary the world has ever seen.
"In 1864, Minor was a surgeon serving on the Union front line when he was given the duty of branding a fellow soldier's face with 'D' for 'deserter.' The act of pressing hot metal onto a fellow man's face was exactly enough to push him over the edge."
Sniper Matt Hughes needed to hit a well-covered human target, through heavy wind, from half a mile away, with a rifle not designed for that distance. So he did the sensible thing (and pointed his gun in a totally unrelated direction).
"Hughes presumably prayed to the sniper gods and let off his first and only possible shot, not even remotely pointed toward his target, and watched as the arc of the bullet formed the shape of a giant banana and struck the enemy soldier directly in the chest."
We would absolutely, 100% watch a show about a Viking lawyer.
"Often people who had nothing to do with either party would prosecute a case because of the fame and admiration it brought. We're talking about people whose everyday clothing was half metal, half animals they skinned themselves, and they still thought defending someone in a court of law was the coolest thing ever."
Helping people move is a less-damning task than fixing their computers.
"Five minutes after I arrive, this exchange will occur: 'Wait, where's Spybot? The program I told you to leave on there?' 'I uninstalled that. It was messing up my computer. It wouldn't let me play any of my games.'"
Good night, Sir Christopher Lee! Here's to more ass-kicking on your next journey...
"The team included Christopher Lee, Ian Fleming and no freaking joke, the entire James Bond universe. The full extent of Lee's 'ungentlemanly' actions remain classified to this day, and perhaps for good reason."