Sometimes it seems like the world is run by Skynet, after it got infected with malware from an Eastern European porn site. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so):

The 13 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (5/19)

Source: Chicago.com

ALL POP MUSIC MIGHT SOUND THE SAME THESE DAYS, BUT SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND THAT '80S MUSIC WAS FAR LESS DIVERSE. Using a complex computer program to ana

Source: PBS

CONVICTED BOSTON MARATHON BOMBER, DZHOKHAR' TSARNAEV, WILL RECEIVETHE DEATH PENALTY. e Boston's general population is largely against the death penalt

Source: NY Times

SAMUEL C GKSN HAS SEFN CASSE TTH REMAKE OF YHS wuoB HE WILL BE PLAYING A BIOCHEMISTRY PROFESSOR, WHO WILL NO DOUBT HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE M@ #3& FIC%!

TO PROMOTE A NEW BUS ROUTE, BUSES IN CARDIFF, WALES, FEATURED SCANTILY CLAD MODELS HOLDING SIGNS THAT SAID RIDE ME ALL DAY FOR&3. X1 029 303000 2044

AFTER 15 YEARS, THE ORIGINAL CSI IS BEING CANCELED DESPITE DECENT RATINGS. BUT, WHY? There must be a clue here somewhere. Wait. Zoom in on Grissom's e

Source: Vulture.com

THE DEVIL FORCED A GEORGIA HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL TO MAKE A RACIST STATEMENT AT HER SCHOOL'S SGRADUATION CEREMONY. Principal Nancy Gordeuk accidentally

A SIYEAR-OLDI MAN IN ENGLAND SNEEZED OUT PART OF A PLASTIC DART THAT HAD BEEN STUCK IN HIS NASAL CAVITY FOR 44 YEARS. Yes, that thing. Steve Easton's

Residents, business owners, and environmental scientists are complaining that officials in Southern Florida still have no plans to address the rising

CUBA HAS HAD A PROMISING LUNG CANCER VACCINE FOR YEARS AND MAY FINALLY BE ABLE TO SHARE IT WITH THE U.S. Thanks to normalized relations, the two count

Source: Wired

VERIZON IS BUYING AOL FOR $4.4 BILLION. These days, America Online is more than just an overzealous distributor of CD-ROMs. The company owns Huffingto

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