The world is like a movie written by a dozen coked-up screenwriters, the script of which was then eaten by one of their dogs, forcing the actors to try to perform their parts by reading the shit. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so):

THE 2ND STAR WARS SPINOFF FILM WILL BE BOBA FETT'S ORIGIN STORY. The 1st is Star Wars: Rogue One, detailing the efforts to steal the original plans to

A BALTIMORE CITY EMPLOYEE WAS FIRED AFTER WATCHING 39 HOURS OF PORN ON HIS WORK COMPUTER DURING A TWO-WEEK PERIOD. On one particularly productive work

MASTER CHIEF CHARLIE WAS THE SUBJECT OF A NAVY INVESTIGATION THAT LED TO THE REMOVAL OF CAPTAIN JOHN BANIGAN FROM COMMAND OF THE GUIDED MISSILE CRUISE

Source: 10News.com

LUCASFILM HAS CONFIRMED AN INDIANA JONES. REBOOT IS IN THE WORKSX Both Steven Spilberg and Matthew Vaughn Cingsman: The Secret service have Expressed

Source: Vanity Fair

jaDen smitH's FURROWED BROW HaS DELETED His TWitter and FACEBOOK accounts, FOREVER Depriving tHe WORLD OF SUCH WisDom as: I Just Like Showing Pretty G

Source: Complex.com

AN OFF-DUTY POLICE OFFICER IN BALTIMORE HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH ASSAULT FOR GETTING INTO A BAR FIGHT THAT BEGAN WHEN HE WAS ACCUSED OF MAKING UNWANTED S

Source: Reuters

A FLORIDA WOMAN BEING HELD AGAINST HER WILL USED THE PIZZA HUT APP TO CALL FOR HELP. THE WOMAN WAS BEING PHYSICALLY THREATENED BY HER BOYFRIEND. HE HA

Source: WFLA.com

AUSTIN NATIVE KIA PAYA-AKHAVAN SHOWED US HOW TO TURN A OLD-FASHIONED ROAD RAGE INCIDENT INTO A SCENE OUT OF A MAD MAX MOVIE. Step l Drive recklessly.

Source: KXAN.com

JoSS WWHEDON HAS QUIT TWITTER. when askedif the move was due to harassment by feminists over Avengers: Age of Ultron Whedon called the susgestion hor

Source: Indiewire

Lionsgate is making John Wick 2 with Keanu Reeves. The directors and screenwriter of 2014's sleeper hit will be returning as well. Sony and Marvel hav

THIS FALL THE 140-YEAR-OLD LEFEMALE SMITH COLLEGE WILL BEGIN ACCEPTING TRANSGENDER STUDENTS WHO IDENTIFY ASWOMEN. Women who identify as men will not b

Source: NBC News

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