The 10 Cracked Posts Everyone Was Talking About: 5/3 Edition
Everyone was whipped up about marriage, children and Satan. So let's go ahead and call this "Omen Week."
To bone up before Age Of Ultron, some of us here at Cracked decided to watch all ten films in a single 20+ hour half-comatose sitting. What did we learn? Well, for starters, the Marvel Universe is filled with blood-hungry, emotionless masses who place no value on human life.
"They've made a Hugh-Hefner-style rock star out of a fucking weapons manufacturer. I get that Tony Stark acts eccentric, but that's still like the CEO of L-3 Communications being treated like Jennifer Lawrence."
Colonial unity and tolerant values of the Enlightenment are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
"Smugglers, like John Hancock, hate being told they can't smuggle."
As a kid, your grudges are managed by the grown-ass people around you. But once you're grown-ass yourself, and permanently sharing a bed with someone, be smart and be the first to apologize whether or not you're right.
"The next time you and your husband or wife have a fight and you think about giving up, ask yourself this: 'After all we've been through, do I ever want to share a toilet with a whole new person?' If I have my way, no other man will ever know my bathroom smells, just like the Bible ordered."
Man, that Leonard Nimoy guy really knew what he was doing, huh?
Here's something to digest while we await the NEW new Supreme Court gay marriage ruling.
"If You Are a Heterosexual and Do NOT Want to Enter into a Homosexual Marriage:
You will not be required to marry a gay person. This is a common misunderstanding. This decision actually does not affect you in any way."
Justice Samuel Alito said that gay marriage is "newer than cell phones and the Internet." Alito is full of sh!t.
"[I]n the 1950s, those halcyon days of supposedly perfect families? Between divorce, death, and sex outside of marriage, 22 percent of kids were still being raised by a single parent. If being raised by one gender ruins children, our ancestors were screwed."
If you have to pick one thing to definitely NOT do today, this is a pretty good candidate.
"But despite claiming one life and causing at least one other person serious injuries, the deadly attraction (presumably closed by now) actually became a huge hit in Japan. This is the part where we act surprised."
Maximum Controversy Time - Satan, goat-horned, trident-wielding dude with red skin? Or is it that most of the Bible's references to the critter we think of as Satan are actually, probably, referring to completely different entities?
"[T]he cardinal sins were first dictated in the sixth century by Pope Gregory I, whose intention was to come up with a short list of basic sin elements, kind of like the Periodic Table Of Pissing Off God."
The reason it is so important to convince yourself that you are awesome for not having kids is that literally every other thing in life makes you feel bad about it.
"The fear that a decision you make now could be making you miserable in 50 years is like the physical manifestation of an Edgar Allan Poe story."
There's money in that fear.
"A fancy job in insurance or real estate? [Paid] a buck-fifty an hour. You'd take home $50 a week after taxes. So please don't talk about the good old days of 50-cent steaks when people were getting paid what would now be Tooth Fairy money."