8

Inmate Shanking Is Ruled Justified Because Of An Anti-Robbery Law

Dale Yudelman/Wiki Commons

We all know how prison is. Someone you don't like enters your cell, you and your buddy stab him 90 times, he dies, and you get in a little trouble. What are they going to do, charge you with murder and send you to super prison?

Nope. First of all, super prison doesn't exist. We made that up. But more to the point, inmate Antero Alaniz successfully defended himself under Colorado's "Make My Day" law, which allows for the use of any degree of physical force against someone who breaks into your "dwelling."

Real talk, Colorado: We're sure you felt cool quoting Clint Eastwood in your legislature, but having a law named after a movie quote makes other states laugh at you behind your back. We don't care how badass it makes lawyers feel -- you're one step away from an "I never treated you like a prostitute" law that legalizes brothels.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"The defense would like to note that my client only lied about being a thief."
"Yeah, we've all seen that movie."

But more to the point, maaaybe you shouldn't set a legal precedent that lets prisoners get away with murdering other prisoners. We always figured that a dwelling was something you dwelled in voluntarily, even if Alaniz put a few pressed flowers on the wall and really made it his own. Alaniz's argument was that his victim was armed and all up in his dwelling, the same argument that Colorado's hobos will now use after they beat you for wandering under their bridge.

7

You Can Legally Give Away Your Adopted Children On The Internet

TressieDavis/iStock/Getty Images

The Internet is great for getting rid of things you don't want anymore -- that exercise bike you swore you'd use, all those Beanie Babies you thought would be your retirement fund, and, if you're a terrible person, adopted children you no longer feel like dealing with.

Called "adoption rehoming" by the people who do it and "uh ... that's basically child trafficking, right?" by everyone else, the process is used by adoptive parents who find themselves unable to handle their children. They go on the Internet and post an ad for a slightly used child, because if there's one thing all parenting classes emphasize, it's to cut and run at the first sign of trouble.

Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Hang on, sweetie. We're almost at the nunnery."

Now this may shock you, but strangers on the Internet do not always make for the best parents. Children can end up with abusive families, such as this Canadian couple, who insisted that they needed to unload their new son because he was leaving behind a swath of destruction consistent with his background as a child soldier. To be fair, he must have been one absolutely terrifying soldier if he managed to serve before the civil war in Liberia ended when he was two.

6

Private Nudity Laws Let People Get Naked All The Damn Time

Andrey Tsidvintsev/Hemera/Getty Images

We fully support private nudity, but as far as we're concerned, your right to dangle your dongle ends the moment the sight of you gives us flashbacks to the time we saw our junior high gym teacher in the change room and we were forced to confront the fact that we will one day be old.

A North Carolina man has spent years taking advantage of the slim line between private and pubic public property to enjoy standing in his doorway and sharing what his mama gave him with the world. It's a sight no one wants to see, but as long as you're in your own home, you can let it all hang loose in the eyes of God and neighbors who want to get home without any mental scarring. There's not a damn thing the lawman can do.

KTUU
And judging from his "blase Amsterdam prostitute trying to seduce a potential customer" pose, he's well aware of that fact.

To be fair, we understand the legal argument here. That is his doorway, behind his tree that hides some but not enough. Never enough. Less clear is the logic that allows a man to wander the streets of Topeka like it's Kansas' sad equivalent of a nude beach.

KSN
Wait, is that Beck?

5

Two Men Build A Massive Underground Lair

svedoliver/iStock/Getty Images

When a "mystery tunnel to nowhere" was discovered in Toronto, police had two equally valid theories. Either Lovecraftian monsters were rising from the deep to devour mankind for our hubris, or Batman was trying to take advantage of public healthcare.

Canadian Press via The Star
Or it was all part of a very elaborate Saddam Hussein cosplay.

The eventual explanation was so mundane that it was disappointing yet hilarious. A couple of 20-something guys wanted a place to hang out, and apparently took the expression "man cave" literally. Their knowledge of structural engineering was sound, although the fact that they weren't familiar with the concept of basements, bars, coffee shops, or anywhere else that isn't a dark tunnel suggests that they may in fact be homeless Morlocks.

Toronto Police Department
With poor interior decorating skills, even amongst their own kind.

4

Indiana's Religious Freedom Law Creates A Church Of Cannabis

irina88w/iStock/Getty Images

Indiana's "religious freedom" law, which, among other things, has allowed businesses to discriminate against same-sex couples, has created a lot of unintended side effects. For example, the rest of the country now hates Indiana. But there are also other, much funnier side effects, such as how the state has now been forced to recognize those who worship at the altar of Bob Marley and Oreos that have their cookie parts replaced with cool ranch Doritos.

Weed, both recreational and medicinal, is illegal in the Crossroads of Buzzkilling America. But the Church of Cannabis is arguing that, under the new law, they will be able to claim "reefer" is an essential part of their religious practices and thus free from government interference. If it works, let's all keep the strategy on the downlow from the bath salts people.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Welcome to Saint Lou Reed's!

The church's founder and guy who could definitely score you a little something-something if you're in town is Bill Levin. He's currently working on securing the rock upon which he will build his church, or at least sit on at night, look up at the stars and really think about life, man. He hopes his future building will host heroin and alcohol addiction services, as well as one sweet-ass sundae bar. Levin raked in $2,000 in donations in five days, and members will be asked to pay a monthly tithe of $4.20, because of course they will. Levin hopes to build his church with hempcrete, and one of his 12 commandments is "Spend at least 10 minutes a day just contemplating life in a quiet space," and we're going to stop here before we enforce any more pot-smoking stereotypes.

3

Schools Can Legally Take Students' Facebook Passwords

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

We know you dweebs can all agree that cyberbullying is a serious problem. Illinois concurs, which is why the state introduced a bold new law which allows any school that suspects a child of cyberbullying to ... demand that student hand over their social media passwords. Oh, Illinois.

Let us count the ways this law is more problematic than the coal-powered flamethrower we invented. For starters, giving out your password goes against Facebook's Statement of Rights and Responsibilities, otherwise known as all that wordy shit you didn't bother to read when you signed up. Also, similar laws have been successfully challenged before, with one 12-year-old Minnesota girl suing her school district for $70,000. So she got away with cyberbullying and she got paid more than we make in a year? Who do we have to start calling a turdburger to get in on this racket?

Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Is it the President? Because don't think we won't do it.

But the most obvious flaw is that schools can violate someone's privacy if there's "reasonable cause," and threaten criminal charges if they don't comply. Remember, this isn't like the time your mom bugged you to accept your friend request and you relented only after adjusting your privacy settings so she'd only see pictures of your cat. If you hand over your password to someone, they can see everything. You know what we mean. Everything.

So it's not hard to imagine a scenario in which a student is falsely accused of cyberbullying, and the school digs up something else incriminating. "Why Billy, we were wrong to accuse you. Surely someone who's nice enough to help a little old lady across the street on his way to GameStop, even though he said he was home sick, would never stoop to such cruelty." Or "It's okay, everyone! Billy was way too busy having a private conversation with an adolescent bedwetting support group to call Tammy a turbo-slut. And he certainly wouldn't want to throw kidney stones in his glass house, huh?"

Getty Images/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"Man, this guy hasn't cyberbullied anyone. What a nerd."

2

Man Masturbates On Co-Worker's Desk, It Isn't Considered A Sex Offense

Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images

There's no way to sugarcoat this: Some dude from Minnesota ejaculated multiple times into his co-worker's coffee. After a woman caught her colleague of 14 years in the middle of the worst team-building exercise ever, she gargled some bleach and had him slapped with two counts of criminal sexual conduct (and hopefully she also slapped him).

The judge looked at the case, agreed that the co-worker had seriously misunderstood the concept of office spunk, and then promptly dismissed the charges because no existing sex laws covered his precise behavior. At the judge's suggestion, the woman took the case to lawmakers to lobby for change.

Image Source/Digital Vision/Getty Images
"I find the defendant innocent of sexual assault charges but guilty of ruining my lunch break."

The updated law is making good progress. As for the perpetrator, he claims he did it for romantic reasons. Dude, that's not how seduction works. We would suggest that next time, he just ask someone out for coffee, but ... yeah. Never mind. Don't do that.

1

Landlord Raises Rent-Controlled Apartment Price 400 Percent In One Month

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images