6 Totally Confusing Crime Sprees That Are Baffling Police

And yes, of course we have pictures.

One of those trash bags can hold 50 liters, while an adult bladder can hold up to 600 milliliters (unless you're in the window seat of a six-hour flight, at which point it inexplicably shrinks by 90 percent). So either someone is carefully bottling their urine for later distribution, or a resident is secretly keeping a herd of goats as pets. Worst of all, the communal laundry room is located in the same basement where the golden tsunamis periodically take place, so the whole building now stinks for a variety of reasons.

The building's management was long aware of the problem, but never felt a pressing need to address it, possibly thinking that if they could hold their concerns in a little longer and get through the day, they'd avoid any embarrassing incidents. When residents forced the issue, presumably with an email that read "Look, we live in New York, we already deal with more than enough human waste," management heroically put up the following memo:

We're sure a polite, rational request will really connect with someone who's bagging and tossing their own waste. "Oh, so that's what the toilet is for? I thought it was for getting rid of my dead goldfish and leftover soup! Sorry everyone, my bad!" On the off chance this doesn't work, we'd love to see the ensuing door-to-door inspection, which you just know will feature a tense argument during which a resident will insist they have a bottle of apple juice, but no one will believe them unless they take a big gulp. If that fails too, they might have to consider truly drastic measures, like a single cheap security camera.

Or this one:

Or even this one:

Seriously, this keeps happening. Smart car flipping has been coming and going in waves, possibly because the vehicles travel in packs. In April 2014, four cars were found flipped over like sad, wounded animals. What makes it even more tragic was that one victim was "babysitting her friend's Smart car," and yet even with that added layer of security it was ... wait, what? How do you babysit a car? Do you read it Good Night, Hub Cap?

Anyway, two more were flipped over in June, and all jokes aside, it's a dickish thing to do, considering the body damage and shattered windows that result. But that hasn't stopped the crime wave from spreading -- copycat hooligans flipped a smart car at Ohio State University, either as a wacky college prank or an expression of the existential angst that comes from getting your higher education in Ohio. There's even a forum for affected Smart car owners to share their annoyance and exchange vegan cauliflower brownie recipes.

No arrests have been made, although a witness saw a group of six to eight people in hooded sweatshirts flip a car at around one in the morning, so the evidence would point to drunken frat boys venting their anger over Krystal not wanting to go home from the strip club with them. Other suspects include SUV manufacturers, the Hulk, and stiff breezes.

One reporter who wrote about this hard journalism story referred to the mystery gardener as a "bushwhacker" in her headline, and then presumably high-fived herself for ten minutes. According to locals, the dick shrub stood majestically for a while until photos of it went viral, forcing the city to enact some painful surgery.

However, that wasn't the end of the penile crime spree. After striking twice in October 2013, he (we're assuming it's a he, because come on) took a break before getting even more creative in November, because we all know that performing three times in a row would be exhausting and, frankly, not very enjoyable. His most recent effort involved carefully spelling out a word with garlands, and you get two guesses as to what that word was.

City officials weren't amused -- at least, not after the initial giggling they had to disguise as a fit of coughing when their boss glared at them. But, reasoning that they'd have more success with carrots that look like dicks than sticks that look like dicks, the executive director of parks publicly offered the vandal -- nay, the artisan -- a job interview, saying that the mystery gardener "put a lot of effort" into his dicksculptures and is clearly "very, very good ... at being able to, uh, shape things." Unfortunately for Windsor, it appears nothing ever came of that outreached hand offering a job. Fortunately for us, that means he's still out there and available to work on our new stately country manor. So drop us a line, man.

The news describes him as having "wandered" through an Akron community, like a shit Ronin looking to offer his services when and where the people need him. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to his actions. Some cars are victimized multiple times. Sometimes the hood is targeted, and sometimes the mirror gets it. And sometimes he leaves an extra-special passenger in the copilot seat like he's starring in the world's worst PSA about always leaving your doors locked. It's gotten so bad that the cops have even created a map of his attacks, presumably in the hopes that the pattern ends up forming a shape that will crack the case, like in a Batman comic.

Despite that, and the fact that someone actually managed to photograph him in the act, there are still no leads about his identity. You can read a timeline of his crimes, if you want to see a journalist's dream of becoming the next Edward R. Murrow die a little bit more with each instance of "pooped." Don't despair, brave reporter: There are questions we want you to investigate. What do police believe motivates this man? Anti-authority statements? Art? What are residents doing to protect their cars? And why has this guy been on the runs for three years when all it would take to catch him is a seemingly empty police car with an officer hiding under a tarp in the backseat?

The city of Ohio has yet to offer the car pooper a job.

It began in November 2014, when 184 packets were stolen from what we assume was an Ikea. A suspect was caught and said he planned to exchange the gum for a jacket, which raises serious questions about Sweden's economy. The same presumed Ikea was struck for an even greater loss on New Year's Eve, and this arrested suspect (apparently the thieves we dreamt up need to spring for a getaway driver) claimed he was planning to give the gum to his friends. Either this guy throws terrible New Year's parties, or Sweden's collapse into a barter society has hit them harder than we realized.

A different probable Ikea was hit for over 800 packs, if our Swedish math is correct. A police press officer offered up an official bemused shrug, stating "I have no idea why chewing gum has become such a popular thing to steal. It has no value unless you steal so many packages." Uh, dude, you kind of addressed your own confusion there. But here's a possible explanation the investigators seem to have bypassed: It's Romania's fault. In 2012, England went through a similar gum-related crime spree, which was the work of Romanian thieves. It turns out that in Romania, packs of gum are often used instead of pocket change. Oddly enough, as we worked on this article, "large-scale store thefts of chewing gum" were reported in the dick shrub capital of the world (Windsor, Ontario), and an international crime gang hasn't been discarded as an explanation. A possible member was caught on tape while relieving a store of some packets:

By the time you read this, the gum bandits might have even reached your city. In the meantime, Sweden continues its investigation, with police planning to stake out baseball diamonds, convenience store parking lots frequented by rebellious pre-teens, and additional Ikeas.

"Somebody is deeply, deeply angry at somebody in that household for some reason," reads the official police statement, which offers little useful information beyond additional proof that making statements is kind of skimmed over at police academy. Is this one of those old men who gives out pennies and toothbrushes on Halloween? Is Ohio's mad pooper branching out to chicken-butt-related crimes? Did someone once comment that the house's exterior would look nicer in eggshell white and there's been a horrible misunderstanding ever since?

The homeowner seems oddly admiring of his attacker's accuracy, but being woken up at two in the morning by avian artillery can't be fun. To their credit, the police aren't screwing around -- they've held undercover stakeouts, installed surveillance cameras, canvassed the neighborhood, and sent the eggshells to the lab for testing, because apparently Euclid, Ohio isn't exactly a hotspot of criminal activity. Then again, when they aren't doing that, they're giving the egged home's owner citations for violating the city's housing codes with his ugly-ass facade.

The cops even had a suspect, but he was ruled out when they saw him on the street "as an attack occurred in the presence of police." Unless that was all part of his plan. At this point, their biggest clue is that the culprits have access to a large number of eggs, so that narrows the pool of suspects down to anyone who knows what a grocery store is. There's even a $1,000 bounty on information. So if you've ever thought of entering the private investigation business and wouldn't object to a lifetime label of "The Eggcellent Detective" if you crack the case, this could be your big break.

You can read more from Mark, including the story of the mysterious culprit who won't stop blasting "Rico Suave" outside his bedroom window at three in the morning, at his website.

Also check out The 7 Most Incredible Crime Sprees Carried Out by Animals and 5 Criminals Who Were Hilariously Good at Escaping Jail.