5

Someone Keeps Flipping Over Smart Cars In San Francisco

Bill Pugliano/Getty Images News/Getty Images

If you live in San Francisco and you own a Smart car, there's a good chance you might leave your home to go to work at a tech startup one morning, only to find your precious vehicle in this position:

via nbcbayarea.com
They even tore off the "coexist" bumper sticker.

4

The Case Of The Topiary Dick Vandal

Sam Royds/Photodisc/Getty Images

In what might be the aftermath of an Edward-Scissorhands-like experiment gone even wronger, some anonymous, phallus-obsessed plant-pruner in Windsor, Ontario has been turning public plants into ... uh, pubic plants. What do we mean? We mean exactly what you imagined:

Greg Layson/CBC Windsor
"It's a grower, not a shower."

One reporter who wrote about this hard journalism story referred to the mystery gardener as a "bushwhacker" in her headline, and then presumably high-fived herself for ten minutes. According to locals, the dick shrub stood majestically for a while until photos of it went viral, forcing the city to enact some painful surgery.

via o.canada.com
The blind mohel they hired did a great job.

However, that wasn't the end of the penile crime spree. After striking twice in October 2013, he (we're assuming it's a he, because come on) took a break before getting even more creative in November, because we all know that performing three times in a row would be exhausting and, frankly, not very enjoyable. His most recent effort involved carefully spelling out a word with garlands, and you get two guesses as to what that word was.

via news.nationalpost.com
What the hell is a "PENTS?"

3

Someone Has Pooped On 19 Cars Since 2012

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Look, we've all been stuck in traffic and wanted to take a monster shit on the hood of the guy in front of us who doesn't understand that his horn doesn't cast a magic anti-red-light spell. But while most of us are able to resist the urge, either because we know it's wrong or because we don't want to shame our families with the court case, one Akron, Ohio man has been giving in to his base desires for over three years.

Akron Police Department
Yup, that's pretty much exactly what we'd expect a Mad Pooper to look like.

The news describes him as having "wandered" through an Akron community, like a shit Ronin looking to offer his services when and where the people need him. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to his actions. Some cars are victimized multiple times. Sometimes the hood is targeted, and sometimes the mirror gets it. And sometimes he leaves an extra-special passenger in the copilot seat like he's starring in the world's worst PSA about always leaving your doors locked. It's gotten so bad that the cops have even created a map of his attacks, presumably in the hopes that the pattern ends up forming a shape that will crack the case, like in a Batman comic.

Colter Hettich/New York Daily News
It's probably just a poop emoji, though.

2

Almost 2,000 Dollars In Chewing Gum Has Been Stolen In Southern Sweden

nyul/iStock/Getty Images

You've all seen the movie scene. A motley collection of career criminals sit around a card table covered with blueprints in an isolated warehouse. There's the smooth-talker, the sultry seductress, the tech geek ... and their charismatic leader, who strolls out of the shadows, leans on the table, stares down his gang, and announces, "Ladies and gentleman, tonight we steal enough gum to keep our ears from popping on airplanes for life."

OK, so that's probably not what happened. But we challenge you to offer up a better explanation for how and why Sweden is experiencing a gum thieving spree so large that every school desk in the country could have an unpleasant surprise left under it. Wait, shit, is that the plan? You monsters.

Robert Byron/Hemera/Getty Images
Can a nation declare martial detention?

It began in November 2014, when 184 packets were stolen from what we assume was an Ikea. A suspect was caught and said he planned to exchange the gum for a jacket, which raises serious questions about Sweden's economy. The same presumed Ikea was struck for an even greater loss on New Year's Eve, and this arrested suspect (apparently the thieves we dreamt up need to spring for a getaway driver) claimed he was planning to give the gum to his friends. Either this guy throws terrible New Year's parties, or Sweden's collapse into a barter society has hit them harder than we realized.

1

An Elderly Man's House Has Been Egged Over 100 Times In A Year

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images

Egging houses is one of those pranks that's hilarious when you're 13 or Justin Bieber, but once you get older or less of a shithead, you realize that it's a particularly annoying act of property damage. We consider it a titanic struggle to clean up after we fuck up an attempt at a fancy omelet flip, so we can only imagine the annoyance an 85-year-old Ohio man feels at his house getting egged on a consistent basis since March 2014. These are no normal eggings, though -- whoever is doing this throws the eggs from at least a couple of blocks away, apparently using some sort of launcher or catapult.

monticelllo/iStock/Getty Images
Or chickens fed a literal buttload of ex-lax.

"Somebody is deeply, deeply angry at somebody in that household for some reason," reads the official police statement, which offers little useful information beyond additional proof that making statements is kind of skimmed over at police academy. Is this one of those old men who gives out pennies and toothbrushes on Halloween? Is Ohio's mad pooper branching out to chicken-butt-related crimes? Did someone once comment that the house's exterior would look nicer in eggshell white and there's been a horrible misunderstanding ever since?

The homeowner seems oddly admiring of his attacker's accuracy, but being woken up at two in the morning by avian artillery can't be fun. To their credit, the police aren't screwing around -- they've held undercover stakeouts, installed surveillance cameras, canvassed the neighborhood, and sent the eggshells to the lab for testing, because apparently Euclid, Ohio isn't exactly a hotspot of criminal activity. Then again, when they aren't doing that, they're giving the egged home's owner citations for violating the city's housing codes with his ugly-ass facade.

via cleveland.com
"It's not the egg stains -- it's that atrocious green."

The cops even had a suspect, but he was ruled out when they saw him on the street "as an attack occurred in the presence of police." Unless that was all part of his plan. At this point, their biggest clue is that the culprits have access to a large number of eggs, so that narrows the pool of suspects down to anyone who knows what a grocery store is. There's even a $1,000 bounty on information. So if you've ever thought of entering the private investigation business and wouldn't object to a lifetime label of "The Eggcellent Detective" if you crack the case, this could be your big break.

You can read more from Mark, including the story of the mysterious culprit who won't stop blasting "Rico Suave" outside his bedroom window at three in the morning, at his website.

Also check out The 7 Most Incredible Crime Sprees Carried Out by Animals and 5 Criminals Who Were Hilariously Good at Escaping Jail.