What's the worst thing you've ever done? Ever organized a riot, caused a blackout or intentionally tipped over a boat with people in it? If you said no, you have nothing on these animals.
(And if you said yes, you should probably turn yourself in, dude.)
The vervet monkeys of the island of St. Kitts developed a fondness for alcohol soon after being brought there by rum industry slave traders, 300 years ago. After escaping captivity, the monkeys started feeding from the fermented sugar cane left in the field, which meant that the traders' plan to train them into rum-serving butlers had backfired horribly.
These days, however, they get their free alcohol fix from a different source:
Tourists. You literally cannot turn your back on St. Kitts without a monkey sneaking up and stealing your drink. And if you don't have a drink, they will give you one just so they can take it. There are a variety of methods employed by the monkeys in swiping drinks, from the nervous grab and run:
... to the brilliant "knock it over and lick up what's left" tactic:
"Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!"
... to the confident "drink it at the table" method:
... and our favorite, the old "steal from a friend who has done all the hard work" technique:
He could also be helping him puke.
Of course, at the end of the day they have to suffer the consequences:
Despite being a beautiful, innocent-looking swan, this is actually one of the angriest, most vicious birds ever -- presumably the result of all the taunting he received as a fuck-ugly little duckling.
Staking his claim over an entire area of river he lived on (which can be found in Cambridge, in the UK), the swan proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit out of anything and anyone that dared try to share his water.
"Haha, I'm being attacked by a swan."
The local residents gave him the cute nickname of Mr. Asbo, which in the UK stands for anti-social behavior order. In the U.S. they'd just call him Mr. Let's-Get-The-Fuck-Away-From-Here-Right-Now. Mr. Asbo seems to be particularly annoyed by boats ... so it's a little unfortunate that he happens to live in a city renowned for its participation in the yearly University Boat Race. Despite the local authorities' official warning about the swan's violent behavior, rowers continued to frequent the lake and continued to be beaten up by Mr. Asbo.
The swan has tipped over entire boats before proceeding to mercilessly attack the submerged victim with his beak. And when he can't do that, he's happy to skip straight to the "mercilessly attacking someone with his beak" stage of his terror campaign, sometimes even standing on top of the vessel to increase the intimidation factor. He even learned to attack the most vulnerable part of the boat -- yes, this swan officially knows more about boating than most humans.
One rower called him "a vicious beast" and added: "I don't go past it if I am alone. ... I'm too scared". In Cambridge, the slightest quacking sound is enough to cause uncontrollable fits of panic among the population.
Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun!
Turns out that Mr. Asbo was just misunderstood, though: A bird whisperer claims to have cured him of his anti-social behavior by uncovering its psychological roots. She also said, "When I was communicating telepathically first of all he portrayed a feeling of fear and being quite angry with humans." That's right. Telepathically.
Inside this woman's head, all you hear is angry quacking.
Because she is a goddamn quack.
Oscar, a cat in Southampton in the UK, began his life of crime at an early age stealing unimportant items that were unlikely to be missed -- a random sock, a garden glove, a late-period Picasso. But as he progressed into adulthood, his tastes became more refined. He now specializes almost exclusively in lingerie.
It's hard to kick that garden glove habit altogether, though.
Developing a penchant for girls underwear, Oscar began prowling the washing lines of unsuspecting students living in his area, bringing home all sorts of unmentionables. According to his owners, on a good day he can bring back 10 items. Oddly enough, they appear more impressed than alarmed by Oscar's problem, remarking on the lengths their cat goes through to bring them "presents." "We can't give him back now as he makes such an effort with all these gifts. He's got a lovely personality and is a very loving cat," said Birgitt Weismantel, 56, who has also adopted a paranoid-schizophrenic iguana and the guy who shot Ronald Reagan.
And a man-rat who sells crystal meth.
Oscar's owners did have the decency to at least phone police and neighbors and let them know it wasn't some perverted guy stealing their undies; it was only a perverted cat who may or may not be masturbating to them.
"I HAVE A PANTY BED."
Barney is a macaw living in the Nuneaton Wildlife Sanctuary, in the UK. When Barney arrived there at the tender age of two, they noticed he had already acquired a large vocabulary from his previous owner ... and it consisted entirely of nasty fuck words. Since we have no idea who the previous owner was, we're going to go ahead and tell you it was Gordon Ramsey.
"F***ing macaw. Why can't you be a proper parrot?"
But anyone can drop a few F-bombs and think he's being clever. It's all about context, and Barney knows this well. That's why one time, during a visit from the local mayor, Barney looked her in the eye and told her she could "fuck off." He then turned to a vicar and a couple of policemen who happened to be standing by (apparently they were shooting a Benny Hill sketch there) and proclaimed, "You can fuck off too, wanker." No, really.
Barney and his current watcher, Mr. Grewcock. No really.
Barney is already sounding like our hero, but his exploits didn't stop there -- or even with him. When two African Grey parrots moved into his cage, Barney took it upon himself to teach them his favorite words: "fuck," "bollocks" and "twat."
"No, no, it's 'knob jockey.' The 'K' is silent. Repeat after me ..."