7

You Can Re-Experience The Magic Of The O.J. Trial Media Circus

CNN

If your idea of nostalgia includes "horrific murder trials," behold CNN's O.J. Simpson Trial page, your one-stop shop for glitchy graphics and everything you almost certainly already know about the most famous trial of the 20th century.

CNN

CNN
That's as clear as a digital photo got in the '90s.

CNN has kindly been maintaining this page all these years, even though we have a perfectly good Wikipedia right there. They do have a wealth of information nobody else would want to host, including O.J.'s unused suicide note, a "Quicktime animation of crime scene," and a separate section for every person who so much as took O.J.'s drink order in 1994.

CNN
This was very handy for those who collected the O.J. Trial trading cards.

6

Vote Dole In '96!

Dole/Kemp '96 Campaign Committee

When you think of forward-thinking leaders on the bleeding edge of hot trends, you think of Bob Dole, right? Maybe we're just thankful for a respite from fluorescent backgrounds, but the '96 Dole campaign actually had a decent-looking web presence for its time.

Dole/Kemp '96 Campaign Committee
And for this time, too, considering it loads faster than healthcare.gov.

Unfortunately, much like Dole himself, it's all looks. Sure, there are the usual links to the latest essential Dole news and information about how you can give money to this poor rich white man. But it starts to get weird when you notice that under the "Issues" banner, it only lists "K-12 Education" and "Technology and Internet." Yeah, we think we can all agree that the '96 election was hinging on the middle school vote. That might explain why one section includes a cookie recipe by "our next First Lady."

Dole/Kemp '96 Campaign Committee
The dog's site was deleted after he turned out to be a Chinese spy.

5

Boy, Did They Put A Lot Of Effort Into The Wild Wild West Website

Warner Bros. Pictures

The still-existing website for the 1999 turd-bomb Wild Wild West is like a magical window into the time when movie studios had no idea how to use the Internet. The whole thing is written in old-timey language that is presumably meant to evoke a time traveler describing unfamiliar new technology. But given the quaint design, it comes off like your grandma trying to explain computers to the other members of her bridge club.

Warner Bros. Pictures
"My grandson Todd made it!"

4

Some Of The Most Soul-Crushing TV Fansites From The '90s Are Still Kicking

The Way Cool Clarissa Explains It All Website

These days, if you want to prove you're a fan of a TV show, it's as easy as registering "fuckyeahNBCnightlynews.tumblr.com," picking a pre-made theme, and tumblring away. Back in the '90s, you had to suffer for your fansite, dammit. Which might explain why so many of the people who created these HTML monstrosities are unwilling to delete them so long after the shows themselves sank into irrelevancy. That's left the Internet clogged with tragic relics like the Way Cool Clarissa Explains It All Website, which is its actual name and not us being sarcastic pricks. (WARNING: If you click that link, the show's theme song will play automatically and get stuck in your head for the rest of your life.)

The Way Cool Clarissa Explains It All Website
So maybe Tumblr blogs aren't so different from Tripod sites after all.

3

Welcome To Netscape!

Mosaic Communications Corporation

Hey, remember Netscape? No? It's OK, we had to Google it to refresh our memories, too. Navigator was once king of the browser market, but it lost long ago to Internet Explorer, which tells you basically everything you need to know. It refuses to rest in peace, however, as you can still access its homepage, appropriately headed by a dinosaur mascot:

Mosaic Communications Corporation
Space background count: three.

After welcoming you in the most grandiose fashion to your fantastic voyage of mostly porn, the page takes you by the hand and explains what a hyperlink is, instructing you to "just single-click on any blue or purple word or phrase." To be fair, even today's users could stand to take a remedial course on hyperlinks, as many of our readers appear to be under the impression that we make some of the words blue 'cause it's pretty.

Mosaic Communications Corporation
"But it's not blue, it's purple! DEMON SPAWN!" *drowns computer in holy water*

Once you've wrapped your mind around the concept of links, taken the guided tour, and pored over the Netscape Handbook, the home page announces that you're ready to explore the Internet! Which was apparently still small enough that you could find anything you needed from the Netscape home page. Its most recent news item, from October 1994, includes the exciting development that "The Department of Entomology at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign now has a Web page." Finally. But the weirdest part is the "What's Cool!" page. Among reports of strawberry Pop Tart blowtorches and live feeds of British coffee machines is an entry for the Chernobyl disaster, which says:

Mosaic Communications Corporation
"Hitler killed 11 million people. It was a bummer. Check out the pix."

2

The "Official" Jim Varney Fan Page Has Lost Its Goddamn Mind

The Official Jim Varney Tribute & Fan Site

Not every Internet relic remains a static exhibit. Some continue to evolve, and nowhere is that more alarmingly true than the Official Jim Varney Tribute & Fan Site.

The Official Jim Varney Tribute & Fan Site
Created in early 2000, yet more '90s than pogs.

Of course, Ernest went to the great camp in the sky in 2000, and it's perhaps no coincidence that this fansite wasn't created until after his death. We say that because it quickly abandons any pretense of being about Varney at all. Your first clue appears right near the top, as you find a hyperlinked Blingee-style GIF that cheerfully proclaims "Americas [sic] Freedoms Under Attack."

The Official Jim Varney Tribute & Fan Site
Stop furiously clicking there, people. This is a screencap.

Beneath that is section asking if "You Know Jesus As Your Savior?" but we'll assume you do and move on. By the way, if Rev. Billy Dee's name sounds familiar, then you must be a film connoisseur, because the good reverend/webmaster/patriot also directed and starred in a "comedy" (quotes in the original) film called Billy And Bobby The Whacky Duo On Vacation, through his American Moral Films production company. It features a minor character from the Ernest movies as Dee's co-star, and that seems to be where all the budget went.

The 75 cents needed to make that whacky bread sandwich came straight out of Billy's salary.

1

God, People Were So Excited About The Phantom Menace

Ain't It Cool News

On its face, there's nothing particularly ominous about these websites. OK, the suicide cult was a huge red flag, but for the most part, the creepiness is in the knowing how it all turned out. In that respect, nothing hits us harder in our nerdy, nerdy hearts than the ecstatic reactions that have been preserved for all time to the trailer for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

TheForce.net
"We especially liked the part with Keanu Reeves using The Force to dodge those bullets."

Here in the thoroughly jaded future, it's easy to forget that Phantom Menace was the most hotly anticipated movie basically ever. We hadn't had a Star Wars movie in 16 years, and it still meant swashbuckling pilot heroes and badass, whine-free villains. People were so amped that when the studio held limited-release advanced screenings of the trailer, they drove for hours to see it, and this was at a time when advanced trailer screenings weren't even a thing. Soon, people were buying up tickets for movie showings where the trailer was playing, including The Waterboy and Meet Joe Black, only to leave after they saw it and then come back to see it again after the movie was over. How much of Adam Sandler's mansion was built on Jar Jar's back, do you think?

To the fans and critics who sold their souls to Brad Pitt for a glimpse at some podracing, it was well worth it. "Unbelievable," one fan was quoted as saying. "I consider myself a harsh critic, but after the trailer I was applauding." Probably the most heartbreaking quote comes from this guy:

New York Times
The trauma was so big, he hasn't updated his website since.

You know what? Forget the suicide cult. These poor, poor souls never saw what was coming. Anyway, back to getting pumped for Episode VII, everyone! Woo!

Manna totally had a stupid Angelfire page in the '90s, but now she tweets her terrible ideas like a grown-up.

Not surprisingly, the Internet is home to lots of depressing shit. See what we mean in The 6 Most Depressing IMDb Pages and What 5 Internet Celebrities Did After They Got Famous.

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