9 Ads That Should Have Started An Actual War On Christmas

9

History's First Bicycle-Themed Serial Killer

Shwinn

Look at that kid's eyes. He is absolutely planning to murder you with his shiny new Schwinn. It doesn't matter that bikes are made of smooth metal and squishy rubber and luxurious pleather -- he will find a way to butcher you with it, probably after practicing on no less than five neighborhood pets. And check out that drawn-out "O-OH-H." Not only is he getting his first Schwinn, he's also experiencing his first orgasm. The first ones are so easy, aren't they? But soon you get jaded, and the only way you can get your rocks off is by watching a prostitute choke to death on a bicycle bell, her death rattle accompanied by plaintive ringing.

8

Guns For Children

J. Stevens Arms & Tool Co.

7

Santa's Into Upskirts (And Downshirts)

Mojud

6

Santa Touches Kids In Their Underwear

Underoos

5

He Sees You When You're Sleeping (And Then He Shows Everyone Else)

The Century Co.

4

Did "Disco" Used To Be Slang For "Blowjob"?

51 West

Dear Santa,

Please, for the love of God, do not "disco" with this girl. In the wise words of Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap. The cover of the 1979 album Non-Stop Christmas Disco is clearly part of some FBI sting operation to lure sex offenders, a group which we are in no way accusing you of belonging to, despite what previous entries may have explicitly implied.

3

Having A Rough Day? Support Your Testicles

The Allen A Company

Oh, grow up, everybody knows that "fag" here isn't referring to any sort of sexual inclination. This 1930s ad is talking about the "Four O'clock Fag," the tired feeling that one tends to get as the afternoon wears on. Back before things like coffee, energy drinks, and crystal meth were invented, the go-to cure for this was apparently ... ball support? We're not really following the logic. No, what's truly disturbing here is lurking in the background ...

The Allen A Company

2

Welcome To The Drunken Ghost Mixer

Kinsey

Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party.

Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they're not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists.

1

Get Your Partner A Dead-Eyed Clone

Neiman Marcus

No, you're not seeing double. The couple above has shared with one another "the most personal possible present" you could ever give: a dead-eyed, uncanny valley clone of yourself that will almost assuredly come to life and smother you in your sleep.

According to the description, the doll is "programmed to laugh as long as you like at your jokes, or say yes in any language you choose." So, basically, it's the perfect stand-in for events too mentally agonizing to attend yourself, such as your average family holiday dinner.

Please excuse us. We need to go find out if Creepy Dead-Eyed Doll Clones, LLC is still in business.

Diana McCallum has more inappropriate Christmas humor, but with superheroes, on her website, Texts From Superheroes.

Turns out unrelenting horror was the name of the game for old-timey ad firms. See what we're talking about in 8 Vintage Ads Ripped Directly From Your Nightmares and The 13 Most Disturbing Vintage Ads For Household Products.

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