Tighty-whities are apparently too plain for Santa's tastes.
Oh, grow up, everybody knows that "fag" here isn't referring to any sort of sexual inclination. This 1930s ad is talking about the "Four O'clock Fag," the tired feeling that one tends to get as the afternoon wears on. Back before things like coffee, energy drinks, and crystal meth were invented, the go-to cure for this was apparently ... ball support? We're not really following the logic. No, what's truly disturbing here is lurking in the background ...
The Allen A Company
Welcome To The Drunken Ghost Mixer
"Hey, this whiskey tastes funny."
"That's because those 'ice cubes' are my holiday PCP. Buckle up."
Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party.
Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they're not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists.
Get Your Partner A Dead-Eyed Clone
"There is a zero percent chance all four of us live to see 1973."
No, you're not seeing double. The couple above has shared with one another "the most personal possible present" you could ever give: a dead-eyed, uncanny valley clone of yourself that will almost assuredly come to life and smother you in your sleep.
According to the description, the doll is "programmed to laugh as long as you like at your jokes, or say yes in any language you choose." So, basically, it's the perfect stand-in for events too mentally agonizing to attend yourself, such as your average family holiday dinner.
Please excuse us. We need to go find out if Creepy Dead-Eyed Doll Clones, LLC is still in business.
Diana McCallum has more inappropriate Christmas humor, but with superheroes, on her website, Texts From Superheroes.
Turns out unrelenting horror was the name of the game for old-timey ad firms. See what we're talking about in 8 Vintage Ads Ripped Directly From Your Nightmares and The 13 Most Disturbing Vintage Ads For Household Products.
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