7

Santa's Into Upskirts (And Downshirts)

Mojud

Apparently, back on Christmas of 1951, the only thing on Santa's wish list was an upskirt show from a stiletto-heeled blonde who is most assuredly not Mrs. Claus. And while he's not exactly stuffing cash into her g-string, there is clearly a gift-based transaction taking place for her services.

But Santa's not just into upskirts ...

Mojud

6

Santa Touches Kids In Their Underwear

Underoos

Hey, you know what's not easy? Making ads about kids in their underwear. You might think that Underoos, a brand whose entire raison d'etre was to, you know, make underwear for kids, would be better at it than most, but no. No, they were not. Maybe that's why they started marketing to adults. As proof we submit this 1981 ad, in which Underoos made the baffling decision to hire a sinister, hungry-eyed Santa and then fill his lap with underwear-clad children.

Underoos

5

He Sees You When You're Sleeping (And Then He Shows Everyone Else)

The Century Co.

4

Did "Disco" Used To Be Slang For "Blowjob"?

51 West

Dear Santa,

Please, for the love of God, do not "disco" with this girl. In the wise words of Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap. The cover of the 1979 album Non-Stop Christmas Disco is clearly part of some FBI sting operation to lure sex offenders, a group which we are in no way accusing you of belonging to, despite what previous entries may have explicitly implied.

Yours Truly,
Cracked

P.S. We accept gratitude in the form of cash and/or flamethrowers.

3

Having A Rough Day? Support Your Testicles

The Allen A Company

2

Welcome To The Drunken Ghost Mixer

Kinsey

Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party.

Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they're not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists.

1

Get Your Partner A Dead-Eyed Clone

Neiman Marcus

No, you're not seeing double. The couple above has shared with one another "the most personal possible present" you could ever give: a dead-eyed, uncanny valley clone of yourself that will almost assuredly come to life and smother you in your sleep.

According to the description, the doll is "programmed to laugh as long as you like at your jokes, or say yes in any language you choose." So, basically, it's the perfect stand-in for events too mentally agonizing to attend yourself, such as your average family holiday dinner.

Please excuse us. We need to go find out if Creepy Dead-Eyed Doll Clones, LLC is still in business.

Diana McCallum has more inappropriate Christmas humor, but with superheroes, on her website, Texts From Superheroes.

Turns out unrelenting horror was the name of the game for old-timey ad firms. See what we're talking about in 8 Vintage Ads Ripped Directly From Your Nightmares and The 13 Most Disturbing Vintage Ads For Household Products.

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