9 Ads That Should Have Started An Actual War On Christmas
Christmas ads are easy: Lots of red and green, chuck in a Santa, sprinkle about some elves, maybe slop on some family values, and boom -- you just sold a vacuum cleaner or something. It's pretty hard to screw up advertising for a holiday specifically focused on buying crap. Hard, but not impossible. Here's another round of the most fucked-up holiday ads from the past.
History's First Bicycle-Themed Serial Killer
"Red, just like you wanted!"
"Yes ... everything red ... soon ..."
Look at that kid's eyes. He is absolutely planning to murder you with his shiny new Schwinn. It doesn't matter that bikes are made of smooth metal and squishy rubber and luxurious pleather -- he will find a way to butcher you with it, probably after practicing on no less than five neighborhood pets. And check out that drawn-out "O-OH-H." Not only is he getting his first Schwinn, he's also experiencing his first orgasm. The first ones are so easy, aren't they? But soon you get jaded, and the only way you can get your rocks off is by watching a prostitute choke to death on a bicycle bell, her death rattle accompanied by plaintive ringing.
Guns For Children
"You'll shoot your life out!"
We can't emphasize enough that this 1906 ad is for real guns. Not cork guns or BB guns -- actual, "hunt your own food and shoot a man down in cold blood" guns. And this one is being placed beside a sleeping child by a visibly conniving Santa, as if he's preparing the kid for some Christmas morning Hunger Games in which only the sole survivor gets the stocking.
Oh, hey, we just found that kid's opponent:
"Screw ham; this year we're having commie."
Santa's Into Upskirts (And Downshirts)
"Now these are stockings I'd stuff all year round."
Apparently, back on Christmas of 1951, the only thing on Santa's wish list was an upskirt show from a stiletto-heeled blonde who is most assuredly not Mrs. Claus. And while he's not exactly stuffing cash into her g-string, there is clearly a gift-based transaction taking place for her services.
But Santa's not just into upskirts ...
"Funny, I got you snow globes too."
He's also not above ogling some cleavage. Santa knows when you've been naughty, and he knows when you've been nice ... but he vastly prefers naughty, ladies.
Santa Touches Kids In Their Underwear
He knows when you've been bad or good, but he doesn't know
about bad touch and good touch?
Hey, you know what's not easy? Making ads about kids in their underwear. You might think that Underoos, a brand whose entire raison d'etre was to, you know, make underwear for kids, would be better at it than most, but no. No, they were not. Maybe that's why they started marketing to adults. As proof we submit this 1981 ad, in which Underoos made the baffling decision to hire a sinister, hungry-eyed Santa and then fill his lap with underwear-clad children.
Sadly, not the first time a young Spider-Man has dealt with a white-haired creeper.
He Sees You When You're Sleeping (And Then He Shows Everyone Else)
You thought your uncle's Christmas vacation slideshow was disturbing.
He sees you when you're sleeping. He also films you when you're sleeping. Then he shows everybody in a seedy, poorly lit theater. We really wish we could see those people's hands ...
Wait, no! We take that back.
Did "Disco" Used To Be Slang For "Blowjob"?
Either way, someone is dancing under dangling balls tonight.
Please, for the love of God, do not "disco" with this girl. In the wise words of Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap. The cover of the 1979 album Non-Stop Christmas Disco is clearly part of some FBI sting operation to lure sex offenders, a group which we are in no way accusing you of belonging to, despite what previous entries may have explicitly implied.
P.S. We accept gratitude in the form of cash and/or flamethrowers.
Having A Rough Day? Support Your Testicles
Tighty-whities are apparently too plain for Santa's tastes.
Oh, grow up, everybody knows that "fag" here isn't referring to any sort of sexual inclination. This 1930s ad is talking about the "Four O'clock Fag," the tired feeling that one tends to get as the afternoon wears on. Back before things like coffee, energy drinks, and crystal meth were invented, the go-to cure for this was apparently ... ball support? We're not really following the logic. No, what's truly disturbing here is lurking in the background ...
Welcome To The Drunken Ghost Mixer
"Hey, this whiskey tastes funny."
"That's because those 'ice cubes' are my holiday PCP. Buckle up."
Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party.
Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they're not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists.
Related: The Drunken Wisdom of Harry Potter
Get Your Partner A Dead-Eyed Clone
"There is a zero percent chance all four of us live to see 1973."
No, you're not seeing double. The couple above has shared with one another "the most personal possible present" you could ever give: a dead-eyed, uncanny valley clone of yourself that will almost assuredly come to life and smother you in your sleep.
According to the description, the doll is "programmed to laugh as long as you like at your jokes, or say yes in any language you choose." So, basically, it's the perfect stand-in for events too mentally agonizing to attend yourself, such as your average family holiday dinner.
Please excuse us. We need to go find out if Creepy Dead-Eyed Doll Clones, LLC is still in business.
Diana McCallum has more inappropriate Christmas humor, but with superheroes, on her website, Texts From Superheroes.
Turns out unrelenting horror was the name of the game for old-timey ad firms. See what we're talking about in 8 Vintage Ads Ripped Directly From Your Nightmares and The 13 Most Disturbing Vintage Ads For Household Products.
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