5

Tiger Woods 99 PGA Tour Vs. "Jesus Vs. Santa Claus"

Comedy Central

Unlike the 8,000 layers of copy protection that modern games use to lock you out of the actual game you just bought, you could look at everything that was on an original PlayStation CD simply by sticking it in your computer. That's obviously the first thing you'd do when handed a copy of Tiger Woods 99 PGA Tour because otherwise what are you going to do? Play it? You know it's a game about golf, right?

Electronic Arts
That's only 50 percent more fun than actual golf.

4

GoldenEye 007 Had a Barrel of Bonds

Rare Ltd.

While we've told you before about some of the awesome ideas that were cut from GoldenEye -- because we could seriously talk about GoldenEye all day -- we've yet to discuss the coolest cut feature of all: the fact that the game once contained not one Bond, but four. There was going to be a multiplayer mode called All Bonds, where four players could each play as a different Bond actor: Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Sean "I'm the only real Bond" Connery.

Rare Ltd.
"Dibs on not-Moore!" "Dibs on not-Moore!" "Dibs on not-Moore!" "Dibs on not-Moo-FUCK!"

3

Freddi Fish Will Murder Her Friends to Get Ahead

Humongous Entertainment

For those of you who killed time at school exclusively via Oregon Trail, Freddi Fish was a plucky young sea creature who hung out with her best friend Luther and solved simple puzzles in order to teach kids about math, English, and why no one plays adventure games anymore.

Humongous Entertainment
It dropped test scores by 10 points.

One of the puzzles in Freddi Fish and the Case of the Missing Kelp Seeds involves a standoff with a hungry eel named Eddie. You have to give him a sandwich to get past him, but in a deleted scene, Freddi has a very different solution in mind. She offers up Luther to Eddie as a sacrifice, and the villain is all too happy to oblige. He eats Luther right in front of Freddi, complete with gross crunching sounds and gushing blood like something out of Watership Down. At the last moment it's revealed that Freddi's just daydreaming, and when Luther asks her what she's thinking about, she responds with a coy "nothing." But that doesn't unsee the blood, Freddi.

2

Front Mission: Gun Hazard Hides a Racist Diatribe

Omiya Soft

After the credits wrap in Front Mission: Gun Hazard, there's a bonus cutscene. Because we can't read Japanese, we're going to assume it's a teaser for the next action-packed war game. It starts with the loud sound of helicopters, but if you listen closely you can hear some indecipherable dialogue underneath them. At first you assume it's just generic radio chatter, but then you're pretty sure you hear somebody drop the N-bomb.

1

Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy Reveals How Horrifying Lightsabers Actually Are

LucasArts

The family friendly nature of most Star Wars video games means we rarely get to see the lightsaber used to its full potential. Every fight involving a laser sword should result in a dumpster full of cauterized limbs and a series of torsos that now know better than to fuck with a Jedi. But that's not what we get in the actual games -- we get a bunch of chumps falling down wholly intact, like we accidentally set our lightsaber to stun. On the surface, 2003's Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy was no exception. Then the fans set about righting that terrible wrong.

They didn't need to spend hours creating an elaborate mod -- they simply had to open up one of the game's files and change a couple of numbers around. That's because, much like how the force is inside all of us and if you concentrate hard enough that pen will totally fly over to you right now (try it, we know you're going to -- we'll wait), the ability to dismember your foes was inside the game all along. You just had to unlock its potential.

LucasArts
"Looks like I got a head in this fight! Man, and who says a Jedi isn't funny?"

We guess the absence of dismemberment in the final game is understandable. Not only would it have been rated M, but carving up your enemies like a bunch of jive turkeys is rather un-Jedi-like -- it's hard to look at a tower of screeching torsos and not wonder if you're actually the bad guy. But at least the developers kept the option buried in the code, allowing fans to finally live out their Sith fantasies.

Come on, the Sith have always been way cooler. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Scott E. Baird can be found praising Highlander 2 on Twitter here.

For more easter eggs, check out 5 Insane Video Game Easter Eggs You Weren't Supposed to Find and 7 Creepy Video Game Easter Eggs We Wish We Never Found.

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