Obviously, the movie itself will be completely family-oriented, featuring no gore, minimal Satanism, and only the briefest full-frontal nudity. But we figure it's going to take years for poor Paddington to shake that "creepy stalker" vibe.
"Buy me for the kids. We'll play ... forever."
For those of you too young to remember, Teddy Ruxpin was a paradoxically off-putting stuffed bear with a tape deck built into his back that, when activated, would shudder to terrifying life to read you a story. His dead eyes would sightlessly scan the room as his mouth moved along with the audio of the tape, all coming together to create the illusion that your parents were trying to kill you with a haunted toy. Now, imagine an entire web of Teddy Ruxpins, hanging together like some unholy orchard of pod children, moving in choreographed unison as if they were part of one collective hive mind.
Haha, just kidding! You don't need to imagine it, because Sean Hathaway went ahead and built it:
That's Hathaway's installation at the 2013 Bay Area Maker Faire. In collaboration with sound technician Carlos Severe Marcelin, Hathaway used Arduino boards to reprogram the plush bears. He then hung 80 Teddy Ruxpins on a white wall, interconnected by a matrix of wires as if they were caught in the web of some techno-fantasy hell spider.
It's like that Keanu Reeves movie, the one with all the bears.
Hathaway left the servos within each bear intact, giving them the ability to emote with basic facial gesturing. When the installation is activated, each bear is illuminated in turn as it recites crypt-voiced aphorisms, symbolizing the loss of humanity's individuality. The end result looks like someone trying to explain the Appian Way crucifixions to a bunch of second-graders.
"I just wonder and understand that maybe they did what they did to escape that empty feeling." -actual words.
At the end of the project, Hathaway found himself with a surplus of bears, so he gave them out for free, along with the open-source code necessary to replicate his terrible experiment. Some people just won't be happy until their lives serve as the prologue to a horror movie.
For more unfortunate redesigns, check out 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous by Gritty Reboots and Video Game Zoology: How 5 8-Bit Characters Would Really Look.