Being homosexual isn't like being Asian, or tall, or having brown hair -- hiding it is as easy as not saying anything. Try as he might, even Daniel Day-Lewis can't convince a census taker he's, say, a pretty Japanese schoolgirl. But he could convince them he's a homosexual -- even a happily married man could turn out to just be in the closet. So even if the pollsters and scientists spent the next year lurking in the shadows and closely observing every human's dating and sex habits, they still wouldn't get their answer.

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But that thing you did with the inflatable horse and 50 gallons of maple syrup? Totally going in their notes.

So, scientists have been either using tricks or just flat-out guessing percentages of gay people, to the frustration of marketers and politicians alike (and everyone else who worships at the altar of demographics). Even Kinsey himself called his percentage bullshit, saying that you can't find a specific number of gay people or straight people, because all you can measure is how they're acting right now. Which leads us into ...

Speaking of which, remember when actress Anna Paquin said she was bisexual? And now she's married to a dude who presumably has only one set of genitalia? Pffft. What a scam.

But Actually ...

Wait, no, Paquin is still bisexual despite not dating women, just like you're still straight even if you haven't been out with someone of the opposite gender for a year because, you know, gotta get all those GTA V achievements. Yes, there are actually bisexuals in the world -- it's been scientifically confirmed with studies that measure sexual arousal and stuff, the exact methods of which we'll leave to your imagination. So now you know what the "B" in LGBTQ stands for.

Los Angeles HIV/AIDS Prevention Unit
Of course, since some joker stuck the answers right there, how could you not?

Half the problem is that, again, it's extremely hard to determine exactly how many people we're talking about, and the other half is that folks just plain hate bis. Studies have shown that straight people (especially men) are three times more disposed to be dicks to bisexuals.

Good thing they can always find sanctuary among the rest of the LGBTQ groups, right? Nope. To many gays, bisexuals are considered to be gays who are just still in denial about their sexuality -- and betraying the cause in the process. So they keep getting swept under the rug, whether by discrimination or by their own attempts to make their case to the world. It's known as "bisexual erasure," which sounds like an '80s cover band but is even lamer.

That's Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in Bound (made by the Wachowskis, pre-Matrix). Note how you've got the masculine one in the tattoos and tank top, and the feminine one in lace -- representing a "man" and a "woman," in other words. You see the same thing for male couples -- in The Birdcage you have the flamboyant Nathan Lane, who frustrates his more "butch" partner, Robin Williams, with his inability to pass for straight.

United Artists
He didn't punch nearly enough holes in walls when complaining about the Dolphins.

The same comes up with Modern Family's Mitchell and Cameron:

20th Television
They're like that Abbott and Costello routine, if Who was the pitcher and What was the catcher.

To someone who doesn't know any better, it probably just makes sense. After all, doesn't someone have to be the strong, masculine one in a relationship, to pair up with the feminine, submissive one? That's just human nature, or something!

But Actually ...

We've known the truth about this one for a very long time -- all the way back in the early 1970s a study found only 7 percent of gay couples settle into traditional "male" and "female" gender roles. Which makes sense, considering the myth is based on the assumption that deep down, gays are still actually attracted to the "opposite" sex. It's all based on heterosexuals' inability to really wrap their heads around the idea.

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"They've been at it for over an hour. Shouldn't one of these guys at least wear a wig or something?"

In reality, studies show gay couples tend to tackle things like household chores by just dividing them up equally, rather than segregate them by gender, which actually leads to less resentment between the partners (since nobody is failing to fulfill an obligation to some tradition). Humans are complicated creatures, and it turns out that declaring out of the gate that one partner needs to be dominant and the other submissive doesn't automatically lead to domestic tranquility -- it's still about making it work between individuals.

And, while all of that sounds obvious when spelled out (especially now, when it's actually OK to be a working mom or stay-at-home dad) people still see a gay couple and try to figure out which one "wears the pants."

The answer is all three. Openly gay, too, so we didn't just get someone fired from their job here. And they're not as rare as you'd think: in 2009, the Christian organization Barna Group did a survey and concluded that 60 percent of gays and lesbians consider religion a huge part of their lives, despite the whole "having pretty much everything going against them" thing. Obviously, being a dude who praises Jesus and dates someone of the same name isn't always easy, but much like people who eat pork or shellfish, or who shave, lots of gays make it work despite being technically condemned by the official literature.

Take Imam Daayiee Abdullah (pictured above) who, immediately after being made the first gay imam in the U.S., gave funeral rites to a Muslim AIDS victim. Or Rabbi Steven Greenberg (also above), who is not only the first openly gay rabbi in Judaism, he's also the first to do a same-sex Jewish wedding. Meanwhile, organizations like the Evangelical Lutheran Church, the Presbyterian Church, and the United Church of Christ are apparently trying to out-fab each other by accepting as many as 46 gay ministers at the same time.

Noah Berger/The New York Times
The best part is that the ceremonial scarves also double as stylish winter accessories.

Again, this doesn't mean everything's peaches and sacramental bread for gay believers, but they do exist in great numbers, and most of the religions in the U.S. do seem to be starting to come around. Might as well, guys -- it's not like the gays are going anywhere.

Just to show you how widespread the idea of gay people being rich is: in 1996, after failing to convince the rest of the Supreme Court that Colorado's gay populace doesn't need to be protected from discrimination, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote in his official dissent that "those who engage in homosexual conduct tend to ... have high disposable income," as if immediately after leaving the closet they'd been dropped into a pool full of money, Uncle Scrooge-style.

Walt Disney
He does look exceptionally well groomed for a fowl.

But Actually ...

Shockingly, it looks like Justice Scalia wasn't hip to the latest trends in the gay community, the most recent of which is called "being broke."

In 2013, UCLA's Williams Institute released a report showing that gay men and women in the U.S. were far more likely to be victims of poverty during the recession than straight people (the fact that most states still let employers fire you for what you do in your own bed might have something to do with it). As a result, about one in five gay people from the ages of 18 to 44 had to go on food stamps last year.

gaystarnews.com
If you want your conservative uncle to have a stroke, just flash him this headline.

God also forbid that you're gay and black, or gay with children, because then the rates get higher. Or a lesbian, whose higher rates are subject to the long-standing tradition of women making less than men. So if you're a black, lesbian couple with children trying to make ends meet, your apartment probably looks less like the nicely decorated one in Will & Grace and more like the set of The Hunger Games.

Lionsgate
"We have to eat mockingjays when the food stamps run out."

As for how this particular myth got started, well, we've already established that the demographics of homosexuality are a complete unknown, due to the flaws of asking people to self-report on something that could get the shit beaten out of them. Now imagine how much worse things are in the poorest parts of the country -- it's a hell of a lot easier to be openly gay in San Francisco than your average trailer park.