Anyway, thanks to a surge in popularity, Coleman's softball league was in search of a bigger field to host its annual tournament. Coleman found one in a nearby town, and rather than drive over there in a car to check it out like a normal human being, he decided to fly over in his rescue helicopter like an awesome human being. As it turns out, both his timing and his choice of vehicle were cosmically attuned, because at the same moment, Draven's parents came zooming up in their truck.

Coleman took one look at Draven and correctly decided that driving the boy to the hospital could go fuck itself. He intubated Draven and flew him to intensive care in his rescue helicopter. Draven was in the hospital for over two weeks (having your skull obliterated by a horse is serious business), but he recovered completely, and even reunited with Coleman a year later to inexplicably relive the most horrifying moment of his tiny life.

paragoulddailypress.com
Second if he rewatched Superman Returns.

But Luckily ...

Stationed just a few aisles over was Gavin MacDonell, a motherfucking defibrillator salesman. With a big pile of them.

Selling defibrillators is a difficult job, made even more challenging by the fact that defibrillators perform exactly one function and rarely need to be replaced unless your old one has started setting patients on fire. MacDonell had set up a product demonstration in PlaceMakers for some inexplicable reason (imagine a guy setting up a defibrillator table in Home Depot and expecting to move a bunch of units), and in the chaos surrounding the collapsed old man, somebody finally remembered he was there. A panicked customer rushed over to request "that defib-y thing," and despite the fact that MacDonell sold defibrillators and not defib-y things, he nevertheless was able to decode the customer's message and spring into action (and this is the point at which at least one bystander must have thought the whole thing was staged as a crass publicity stunt).

KatarzynaBialasiewicz/iStock/Getty Images
"This is worse than the 'food poisoned' old woman during your Labor Day toilet sale."

When MacDonell arrived at the collapsed man's side, not only was the old man not registering a heartbeat, he was clinically dead. Unless you're a zombie and/or a wizard, that's tough to bounce back from.

MacDonell, deciding to try his luck anyway because it's not like he was busy sorting through a mountain of defibrillator orders, hooked up the life-saving device of his trade and administered a shock to the old man's chest. Almost immediately, the man began showing signs of alive-itude, and he was rushed to intensive care where he made a full recovery, despite the stress of having just had his 80-year-old heart electrocuted by a third-party salesman in a hardware store.

As for MacDonell, his act of heroism didn't translate into a spike in defibrillator sales, but we can pretty much guarantee that he worked the story in to every pitch he has delivered since.

In August of 2013, a woman named Shana Porter lost control of her car and crashed into a tree. That situation would've been dire enough, but the universe was evidently feeling particularly upset with her that day and decided to have her wrecked vehicle immediately burst into flames, with the seriously injured Porter trapped inside. All she could manage to get free were her arms, which she waved frantically out of her sunroof to try to signal for help. People pulled over to assist her, but because of the rapidly expanding fire, no one could get close enough to the car to pull her out.

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Someone suggested peeing the flames out, but unfortunately everyone's urine had been allocated to their underwear.

But Luckily ...

As fate would have it, Eddie Hall was driving down that same freeway, at that same moment, with a jumbo van full of fire smothering chemicals.

Eddie installs portable fire extinguishers for a living, which sounds like the type of charmingly odd fake job that sitcom characters have but is in fact a real profession. After being flagged down by other motorists futilely trying to assist Porter, he triumphantly threw open the back of his truck to reveal his serendipitous bounty of 18 fire extinguishers and began handing them out to all the cops and good Samaritans on the scene, who began dousing the flames as quickly as possible. The only way Porter could've been in better hands during her time of need would be if she had crashed her car into the Hall of Justice.

postandcourier.com
"Is Aquaman there? I'm at least better than Aquaman."

Hall and his ragtag team of firefighters didn't have any protective equipment, which prevented them from being able to get in close enough to completely extinguish the blaze, but they managed to keep the flames at bay long enough for the actual fire department to show up and finish the job. Porter was rushed to the hospital in critical condition, but she survived. Hall could feel secure in the knowledge that he had done a hero's work, even though his actual job that day was a total wash.

Falling asleep at the wheel is one of the quickest possible ways to totally ruin an otherwise decent day, as Century College student Nate Anderson can attest. In May of 2013, he was driving his pickup truck to class when he dozed off with his foot on the gas. In addition to putting himself and everyone around him in immediate danger, it presumably also negatively affected his grade point average, because he was studying to be an auto mechanic.

As he was passed out behind the wheel, Anderson drove through a mailbox, swerved around on a driveway, and wound up capsized in a nearby pond. Worse yet, his truck's doors were stuck shut -- try as they might, bystanders could not pry Anderson's still-unconscious (and now drowning) body out of the cab.

fotoandrius/iStock/Getty Images
"Five more minutes. Class isn't until 10:30."

Now this one is just ridiculous -- what could possibly be rolling by at that exact moment that would free a guy from a smashed-up, submerged vehicle? You'd need, like, some kind of huge mechanical hand to lift him out to safety. What are the odds?

But Luckily ...

A big-rig driver named Scott Rosenberg happened to be passing by, and unlike Anderson (and many of his fellow truckers), he was wide awake. Rosenberg also happened to be piloting a gigantic freaking rig with a huge freaking crane on the back. His day job was to haul concrete pipe from one place to another, meaning his truck could easily haul 10,000 pounds and/or Mighty Joe Young.

erstarnews.com
If you put a quarter in the cab, he'll give you three chances to pick up a toy store.

Rosenberg spotted Anderson's submerged pickup, realized his vehicle was more than capable of pulling it out of the pond, and quickly took action. He hooked his trailer's boom crane to Anderson's truck and flipped the thing completely around like the claw machine at Showbiz Pizza. By the time Rosenberg had finished his blue-collar rescue magic, Anderson had been underwater for over five minutes, which is more than enough time for severe brain damage to set in. Miraculously, a rescue crew was able to resuscitate Anderson before he suffered any permanent damage. Thanks to Rosenberg's quick thinking, Anderson escaped with only a broken vertebra, a few severed tendons, and a new-found appreciation for midday power naps.

Jon Tatting
Rosenberg got a medal and presumably a lifetime of free maintenance once Anderson graduates automotive school.

Holy shit, how do you top that story? By scaling it up ...