6 People With Amazing Yet Totally Useless Abilities

He had to fill the rest of his act somehow. So Laurello took the next obvious step for a man that could spin his head about like half a Linda Blair: he trained cats and dogs to fight each other with boxing gloves. Impossible to sneak up on and leading a trained army of animal henchmen? Dude really was just some purple spandex away from a career in supervillainy.

He calls that number "Fart Elise," obviously. He can also play the Mario Bros. theme, the cantina song from Star Wars, the vocal sections from "Bohemian Rhapsody," and even "Dueling Banjos." And it just wouldn't be art unless somebody was taking it way too seriously. See, that's not called "hand farting," you plebeian. It's called Manualism -- a modern art form with no prior historical precedent.

Since "full time manualist" isn't the most economically secure of professions, most practitioners get their incomes elsewhere. Phillips actually owns a gun shop, which is a good thing to keep in mind before you make fun of Farty Farthands, the Modern Fartist.

Seriously, watch him obliterate this poor coconut's innocence with a few well-placed hits:

What might appear a simple party trick is actually the culmination of a lifelong passion for fingering coconuts. Just like how Muay Thai fighters strengthen their shin bones by kicking banana trees, Kung Fu Master Ho jabs them into submission with his index finger. How does he do it without horribly disfiguring his hand, though? He doesn't. After 41 years spent perfecting his technique (he started at 17), he has the permanently mangled forefinger to show for it:

Unlike the homeless people we see at the park, however, Hui's tree-fighting has led to a viable career that has allowed him to feed his family; he holds a Guinness World Record for piercing 4 coconuts in 12.15 seconds, and in his native Malaysia, the local government has even given him his own corner on which to showcase his Kung Fu abilities. So swing on by the violent coconut fingerbang stand next time you're at the market, and pick up some freshly-violated fruit.

This man's name was Bert Pichel, and he could blow smoke up your ass at 500 meters. His repertoire included ejecting two rings simultaneously out of each corner of his mouth ...

Blowing small rings through the center of bigger rings ...

Or blowing rings the size of his head, then using them as halos.

Pichel began honing his craft out of pure boredom while waiting for customers at his Cincinnati gas station, since common sense had yet to be invented. According to the smoke master himself, who lit up 20 cigars a day to practice, the secret was in his tongue and lips, which he called "remarkably developed." Incidentally, he was also quite popular with the dames.

But the high-stakes world of smoke-blowing could be a treacherous place. With Pichel severely injured by the sheer volume of giant old-timey panties being thrown at him (also, that whole 20-cigars-a-day thing), others tried to replicate his success. He got into a feud with a man named William N. Patterson, who challenged him to a "smoke ring duel" in a transparent plastic room. The results of the epic cigar-off have been lost to the annals of time, but we're guessing the winner was cancer.

Born in Egypt in 1892, Ali supposedly discovered his superpower when he was swimming in the Nile and accidentally swallowed a fish, then un-swallowed it unharmed (surely a novelty performer wouldn't lie about an origin story!). He had such absolute control over his stomach muscles that he could eat virtually anything, including nuts, colored handkerchiefs or yes, live fish, then ask the audience which order they'd like the items regurgitated in. "None! Y-you go ahead and just keep all of it ..." was not a given option.

After gaining fame as a vaudeville performer, Ali scored a guest spot on a Laurel and Hardy movie -- the 1930s version of Jackass. In the film, he downed a bunch of water, then swallowed kerosene, spat only the kerosene on a fire, then put out the fire with just the water.

Funny that no superhero teams ever called on the Amazing Vomitus. Probably couldn't afford the dry-cleaning bills.

Popping a balloon with an asshole-operated pea shooter:

And letting out the world's longest continued fart, clocking in at an unearthly 59 seconds long:

Mr. Methane is a performing flatulist -- or, as his website puts it, a master of "the Art of Controlled Anal Voicing." It's like these people have a problem with the term "fartmaster." What, is it too lowbrow? You're sniping balloons with your butthole, friend. You left dignity behind long, long ago.

Highlights of his career include imitating a bumblebee in front of a visibly humbled Howard Stern, playing fart music on (the sidewalks of) Broadway, and farting his rendition of the Blue Danube for Simon Cowell on Britain's Got Talent before getting buzzed off the stage. Later on he was approached by the German (of course) version of the show, where he made it to the semifinals, but ultimately lost to a dancing dog.

Ohhh, but don't call him "Fart Garfunkle" -- that's apparently disrespectful.

For more bizarre mutant powers, check out 6 Real People With Mind-Blowing Mutant Superpowers and 5 People Who Turned Awful Disabilities Into Superpowers.

He should totally go by Fart Garfunkle. Click the Facebook 'share' button below, and maybe we can get like...a petition going, or something.