About That Operating System ...
All right. So he's programmed to please. He's been filled with code that guarantees his Casanova moves are virtually infallible. But even good routines can get boring. What's more, it's still a program, which means it -- and he -- can be hacked. A little rewiring here, a little coding there, the occasional failure to update his core software, and pretty soon he'll be completely off his game, roaming around the living room thoroughly convinced he's a Roomba. Unfortunately, depending on how neat you are by nature, your girlfriend might actually appreciate this. If that happens, take your sabotage to the next level by reprogramming his hygiene routine.
Your robot rival may look -- and smell -- fantastic, but it's only because a complicated algorithm has told him how to groom himself -- and exactly how much Old Spice to use. Mess with that algorithm just a little and suddenly he's proudly sporting a comb-over, mandals, and a back brace while obsessively dousing himself with fish sauce at 15-minute intervals. A few days of that and you're starting to look awfully good by comparison.
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"He switched from fish sauce to Sriracha. It's like dating pepper spray."