6 Conspiracy Theories That Are Unintentionally Hilarious
Conspiracy theories are like Adam Sandler movie premises: Aliens must be beaming that shit into our brains, because there's no way the human mind could ever be capable of coming up with something so dumb. There's just no other possible explanation. While we get to the bottom of this mystery, please enjoy a new collection of the most intriguingly stupid conspiracies the Internet has crapped out recently. Such as:
"Fifty Shades of Grey Predicts the Collapse of the USA!"
Remember "The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse," the YouTube genius who blew the lid off of the One Direction/Illuminati/Danny DeVito/Satan connection? Honestly, we could probably fill several articles just with his videos, but here's his most noteworthy recent discovery: Fifty Shades of Grey blows.
Actually, this makes him slightly less questionable.
Also, the movie is a prophecy about America's upcoming end. According to the self-proclaimed "Co-Prophet of These End Times" (the other co-prophet lives in a trash container behind an Arby's), the film is a message from the Illuminati about how they, quote, "plan to bring America into bondage." In order to prove this, Mr. Eagle begins by reading the book's plot out loud, which, yes, is exactly like watching your grandparents have phone sex.
Incidentally, it must have been awkward when he asked his grandson to print out
the Fifty Shades Wikipedia page for him.
The entire crux of his argument is that the plot of the film resembles events within the Book of Revelation, something which sounds unlikely considering that we'd remember having heard that the Book of Revelation is a fanfic of another part of the Bible. To summarize, Anastasia Steele is the Whore of Babylon/United States of America, while Christian Grey is the Scarlet Beast/Russia who eventually defeats/dominates her. Sadly, however, he never clarifies what the nipple clamps and anal-fisting represent, but our bets are "Crimea" and "economic sanctions."
Picture unrelated; we just like taking screencaps of him pointing at things.
He also takes a few moments to deconstruct the title of the film, highlighting that the "fifty shades" is a reference to "fifty states" and that the "grey" is a reference to how everything will look after Russia electro-clamps us into the Stone Age. On the plus side, his questioning about why Christian Grey isn't called Christian Brown has given us an idea for a Fifty Shades/Reservoir Dogs mash-up (although the "ear" scene might get cut). Thanks Eagle!
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 6
"Obama Just Declared His Allegiance to Islam Using a Secret Hand Signal!"
On the day that President Obama leaves office, hundreds of conservative bloggers will be forced to hang up their keyboards, because it won't be as tempting to convince everyone that the white guy in charge is actually a west-hating Muslim agent provocateur. However, this is still months away and racists have bills to pay, so have you heard that Obama has now openly declared his allegiance to Islam? It's all right here in this picture:
Pretty sure the guys on the corner are in a McDonald's drive-thru.
In August 2014, while walking past a podium containing several dozen African leaders, Obama was caught flashing the shahada -- according to the scholars who wrote this, a "Muslim gang sign." Obviously, this now means that his true loyalties have been revealed and, if popular culture has taught us anything, we can expect Captain America to start dismantling this insidious globe-spanning conspiracy any second now.
However, as unlikely as it is that the fact-checkers over at American Thinker failed to do their job, there's a significant hole in their argument. Namely, that the shahada they describe doesn't fucking exist. There's a thing called shahada that is used to reaffirm your belief in Islam, but it's a verbal declaration. In other words, it's not something that you can express using your hands, as if the reference to a "gang sign" didn't already tip you off to the fact that this comes from the imagination of a person who thinks all black people communicate using hand signals because that's what happened in The Wire one time. We're surprised that they didn't go one step further and accuse Obama of replacing good ol' fashioned hand gestures like the fistbump with these crazy fascist-communist hand signals.
"Don't get us started on fistbumps."
So, if Obama isn't inducting himself into the real-life HYDRA (you know, I.S.L.A.M.), what's he doing with that finger? We'll never kn- oh, wait, there's an easily findable video that shows he's just pointing at something. But, say the loonies are right, and say that this gesture does reveal you're part of a plan to bring down America -- then we're afraid we're even more fucked than the American Thinker thinks.
The fingers! They're coming from inside the White House!
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 5
"CERN Is Planning to Open the Gates of Hell!"
As we've previously covered, conspiracy theorists go mental over any sort of technology more advanced than a toaster oven. And, as the biggest, most-expensive science thing in the world, the CERN Large Hadron Collider is a magnet for the crazies (blame the metal of their tinfoil helmets). It's little wonder, therefore, that the recent reopening of the LHC after two years of repairs has people wondering whether the repairs are less "installing a new vending machine" and more "opening a portal to the fucking monster dimension."
It's basically Stargate SG-Dumb.
According to the people whom no one dares sit next to on the bus, the LHC is a gigantic wormhole generator designed to usher forth the reign of Cernunnos, an ancient god of fertility and forests, whose only real connection to this debacle is having a name that contains "CERN." After all, the purported purpose of CERN is to discover the origins of life, the universe, and everything, and what better way to help with that than abducting an antler-headed semi-deity and trapping him underground?
From there he'll write his first novel, Ravished by the Atom Smasher.
This video offers further proof of this theory gathered from scientific documentaries such as Stargate and The Avengers. Other strands of evidence for CERN being in literal congress with the beast include their logo containing an abstract version of "666" and the statue of Shiva standing outside their office. Although, to be fair, if the people in charge of CERN stopped saying stuff like "out of this door might come something," they might be able to get some work done without having to dodge exorcism every time they leave the office.
"McDonald's Is Giving Out Vaccines With Happy Meals!"
We know that you're cleverer than this (you're reading this fine site, after all), but if you've refused to vaccinate your child, then congratulations! You've guaranteed Big Pharma your patronage for years to come. Also, you don't know how science works and you're a terrible, terrible person. Further bad news for you: You can't even go to McDonald's anymore without having your children stealthily vaccinated, apparently.
"Watch out, that sauce is Robert Patrick in disguise!"
You see, with the recent much-publicized outbreak of measles, the anti-vaxxer community has been under a ton of pressure to not look like a bunch of dicks. Well, they eventually figured out a way: by revealing that the establishment plans to hand out vaccinations to children visiting McDonald's. We refuse to make further comment on the irony of handing out medicine in one of the places where people are most likely to contract one of the biggest killers in the world.
Crazily, there's an element of truth to this story: The restaurant in question did host a contingent of workers from the Department of Public Health, who were giving vaccinations ... in 2010, a fact that the people mindlessly repackaging this story either missed or didn't give a shit about.
Yeah, DavidIcke.com just hates it when things are full of shit.
Also note that no one kicked up a fuss about this incident then, leading us to believe that either a) people gave all the fucks about vaccinations, or b) anti-vaxxers don't give a fuck about the truth, to the extent that they'll dredge up old news stories in order to scare parents. However, it's hard to expect anything different from the website Natural News, considering their love-hate relationship with concepts like "truth" and "not intentionally disseminating bullshit pseudoscience for clicks."
"A Photo Shows Someone Fixing the Mars Curiosity Rover!"
No matter how moronic some modern-day conspiracies might be, with their fancy micro-nukes and plane swappers and fake snow, it's nice to revisit the classics sometimes. For instance, how we totally can't go to space despite having the intellect and resources necessary to host convincing fake expeditions. Expeditions like that Mars Curiosity Rover fraud, recently exposed by this telling picture:
You, seeing a picture that traveled 140 million miles to reach us: "Meh."
According to UFO Sightings Daily, a series of photos taken by the Curiosity Rover show a spacesuited figure fiddling with its machinery, something which many have taken to mean that the Mars Rover is exploring the furthest, farthest reaches of a soundstage. It isn't clear why the figure would even need to wear a spacesuit because, and this might be our massive bribe from Big Oxygen talking here, you don't need to wear a spacesuit on this planet, as much as it might help you with all the unvaccinated children stumbling about.
Clearly, the only other possibility is that the Mars Rover is on Mars ... and that there's a secret colony of humans there, all of whom were hoping that Curiosity had finally gotten around to delivering their Amazon order. In which case, why would NASA release the picture in the first place? And why is option c) "It's a shadow, dumbass" so far below "landing hoax" and "secret space colony" on the plausibility scale?
Let's just hope that Buzz Aldrin doesn't hear about this, or some webmaster is getting his ass kicked.
"Katy Perry's Super Bowl Show Was Full of Satanic/Illuminati/NWO Symbolism!"
You'd be hard-pressed to find a form of entertainment that hasn't been accused of acting as a conduit for the shadowy powers that run our world, though they clearly suck at it (seriously, have you seen the state of everything?). However, this analysis of Katy Perry's Super Bowl performance might be stretching credulity to such a degree that it technically qualifies as dark matter -- intangible, but existing.
In effect, their argument is that, because Katy Perry used to sing Gospel music and now sings about making out with other girls, she must be trying to usher in a new age of darkness by convincing the mindless masses to join her in mocking God. This does, at least, explain that gigantic, red-eyed lion she rode into the arena.
"The Lions are in the Super Bowl. Clearly the end of days is nigh."
However, this all pales in comparison to her blatant promotion of the "LGBT Agenda" through songs like "I Kissed a Girl" and "Firework," leading us to believe that the LGBT agenda is revenging years of social oppression by causing the most annoying and widespread case of earworm. As for the part where her presentation suddenly turned into a '90s Nickelodeon game show: Sure, that was pretty innocent, as long as you have blinded yourself to the obvious 666 waves and the Illuminati sharks.
Left Shark is one of the Koch brothers.
However, this does come off the back of years of other references to mystical beings during the Super Bowl, including Beyonce flashing the Illuminati triangle and Bruno Mars yelling, "Illuminati Now!" like a man who mixed up the cues "subtle brainwashing" and "yelling like a buffoon." In some ways, it's like Katy Perry's people knew exactly what the crazy crowd would say about this performance and are using this as a means of getting some additional coverage ...
Hmmm. We might be getting the hang of this conspiracy thing after all, you guys.
For more from Adam, check out his other articles on dumb conspiracies, as well as this treatise on why conspiracy theories are ruining everything. He'd also like to thank /r/conspiratard, /r/isrconspiracyracist, and /r/actualconspiracies for being awesome.