Also, the movie is a prophecy about America's upcoming end. According to the self-proclaimed "Co-Prophet of These End Times" (the other co-prophet lives in a trash container behind an Arby's), the film is a message from the Illuminati about how they, quote, "plan to bring America into bondage." In order to prove this, Mr. Eagle begins by reading the book's plot out loud, which, yes, is exactly like watching your grandparents have phone sex.
The entire crux of his argument is that the plot of the film resembles events within the Book of Revelation, something which sounds unlikely considering that we'd remember having heard that the Book of Revelation is a fanfic of another part of the Bible. To summarize, Anastasia Steele is the Whore of Babylon/United States of America, while Christian Grey is the Scarlet Beast/Russia who eventually defeats/dominates her. Sadly, however, he never clarifies what the nipple clamps and anal-fisting represent, but our bets are "Crimea" and "economic sanctions."
Third Eagle Books
Picture unrelated; we just like taking screencaps of him pointing at things.