7 Famous Artists You Didn't Know Were Perverts (Pt. 2)
Pick any random artistic property, and we'll point you to a porn version of it. And if we can't, someone will invariably create one, and then we'll point you to a porn version of it. But as we've mentioned before, this phenomenon achieves an entirely new level of pervosity when the people pushing said smut are the original artists themselves. Yeah, pretty much every creative type has a hidden horn-dog side, as evidenced by the fact that ...
Spider-Man Co-Creator Drew Some Spider-Themed Bondage
What You Know Him For:
If you know Spider-Man, you know Ditko. Sure, Stan "The Man" Lee might have come up with Spidey's name and the fact that he was an awkward teenager, but Steve Ditko invented basically everything else, from his iconic costume to his wrist-mounted goo shooters. He also went on to create a slew of awesome superheroes for DC that you've never heard of.
This will become uncomfortably appropriate in just a moment.
But He Also Did:
Fetish comics. Ones that had an oddly familiar theme ...
Back in his Marvel days, Ditko shared a Manhattan studio with his longtime friend and bondage/fetish cartoonist extraordinaire Eric Stanton. When deadlines were tight, Stanton would toss some penciled butts and boobs Ditko's way to provide the inks, in return for a 50-50 split of the proceeds and the chance to draw some porn, because hey, porn.
Now Ditko, being the aforementioned co-creator of Spider-Man and all, didn't like to talk about his early collaborations with Stanton. But those with way more legit nerd cred than ours have examined the evidence and found telltale signs of Ditko's inking style in plenty of Stanton's comics. Even better, though, is the obvious overflow between the two artists' work. Here's "another bondage classic by Eric Stanton," Sweeter Gwen:
Aw, ain't that sweet?
It was published right around the time that Peter Parker had a girlfriend named Gwen. And here's a woman's spider-sense going off as she gets all bondaged up (bottom-right panel):
She's wearing a leather bustier, yet she's surprised when knots come into play.
Still, radiating lines are a common way to convey emotion in comics -- that could just be a coincidence. But check out Spider-Dom's outfit here:
... and imagine Peter Parker in spider-pasties.
Yep, it's pretty uncanny. Also, it's from right around the same time as the creation of Spider-Man, meaning that ... well, meaning that Spidey's true origin could very well have been as a spider-themed bondage queen. Now there's an origin story worthy of a reboot, Hollywood.
Dr. Seuss Drew Seussian Nudes
What You Know Him For:
Beloved children's author Dr. Seuss may not have been a real doctor, but his gift for nonsensical writing easily qualified him to take a look at that gross thing on your neck. His creations have endured for generations, and in what is perhaps the true measure of his lasting greatness, Hollywood eventually began adapting his stories into tragically shitty movies.
Peter Jackson is currently scripting the Sam I Am trilogy.
But He Also Did:
He once drew illustrations for an adult humor book called The Bedroom Companion:
Miss Quackenbush would go on to a career in duck erotica.
In case you can't make it out, that's a comic depicting a woman trapped on a deserted island with a young boy, who's apologizing for his inability to fulfill her sexual desires because, you know, he's 13. Then there's his decidedly adult-oriented artwork:
Yes, it's entitled "Booby Trap."
And here we have Horton Sees Dat Ass.
But perhaps the strongest example of Seussian perversion lies in his best and last attempt to write for adults, The Seven Lady Godivas: The True Facts Concerning History's Barest Family, the story of seven nude sisters who vowed to " to the light of the world some new and worthy Horse Truth, of benefit to man," presumably by way of their boobs.
HBO is developing an adaptation as we speak.
The book was a result of Dr. Seuss' contract with his publisher, Random House, a condition of which was that they'd let him do an "adult" book. We can't make much sense of the plot based on the illustrations, but we're guessing that the aforementioned Horse Truth has something to do with the fact that horses love to creep on naked women.
Sometimes, creeping leads to party hats.
Somehow, the tale didn't catch on, selling only a quarter of its run of 10,000. The good doctor himself wasn't exactly surprised, saying, "I attempted to draw the sexiest babes I could, but they came out looking absurd."
Oh, come on, this is sexy (in an implied bestiality sort of way).
Isaac Asimov Wrote Dirty Limericks for Fun
What You Know Him For:
Isaac Asimov is one of the all-time most recognizable names in science fiction, having written or edited more than 500 books and "inspired" precisely one Will Smith movie. He was also a professor of biochemistry at Boston University, known for being a huge fan of logic and scientific reasoning.
Also, he may have been Wolverine's dad.
But He Also Did:
Oh, and dirty limericks. You know, those short poems about a guy from Nantucket? Yeah, he was a huge fan of those, too. Such a fan, in fact, that he published over 700 of them in his five-volume Lecherous Limericks series. Picture the master of hard science fiction -- creator of the Three Laws of Robotics -- and try to imagine him snickering like a schoolboy as he came up with this little gem:
There was a sweet girl of Decatur
Who went to sea on a freighter.
She was screwed by the master
-- An utter disaster --
But the crew all made up for it later.
It was a simpler time for the armed forces.
It's difficult to picture the same mind that gave us the Foundation series and that predicted the Internet in the '60s popping out a ridiculous poem in which the punch line is a seabound gangbang, but there it is. Here's one about Cleopatra getting her tomb raided on top of the Sphinx:
Cleopatra's a cute little minx
With a sex life that's loaded with kinks
Marcus A. she would steer amid
The palms and Great pyramid
And they'd screw on the head of the sphinx.
Some were even illustrated:
A honeymoon couple named Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste
In the place of petroleum jelly.
Use water-based lubricants to avoid latex tears and genital lock.
And here, ladies and gentlemen, is proof positive that even one of the "Big Three" science-fiction writers, PhD in biochemistry, longtime member and vice president of Mensa (and possessor of history's second-most-impressive pair of mutton chops), wasn't above telling a good old-fashioned dick joke:
Said a certain young man with a grin,
"I think it is time to begin."
Said the girl with a sneer,
"With what? Why, your pee-er
Is scarcely as big as a pin."
If that doesn't lend credence to our mission statement here at Cracked, we're not sure what will.
Mort Walker Made Dirty Beetle Bailey Strips
What You Know Him For:
That wholesome comic strip that portrays military service as all napping, shirking one's duties, and never seeing so much as one minute of actual combat: Beetle Bailey.
Plus, we're not sure the characters wore regulation headgear.
But He Also Did:
That perverted comic strip that portrays military service as all sexual innuendo, oral drills (if you catch our drift), and jizzing one's pants: Beetle Bailey.
Something something privates.
General Halftrack's inappropriate sexual attraction toward his secretary, Miss Buxley, has been a long-running gag in the comic ever since the general's introduction in 1971, but it never quite reached the "cream your drawers" level, at least not publicly, until a Swedish publisher decided to collect Walker's previously unpublished, R-rated strips into a single volume in 1994 (Walker is, like, a rock star in Scandinavia). Choice moments in the strips include General Halftrack bemoaning his priapistic tendencies:
Miss Buxley's ass:
And Killer demonstrating his cunning linguistic skills:
Of course, it's easy to take a joke too far, and for that we must turn to one of Walker's other strips, the about-to-be exceedingly appropriately named Boner's Ark:
Hodor up there isn't human, by the way -- that's a gorilla forcing a pig to give him a handie. So, you know, that makes it OK.
Donald Duck Artist Painted Duck Erotica
What You Know Him For:
Carl Barks was the famousest cartoonist of Disney's famousest duck (Donald), the creator of the richest (Scrooge McDuck), and quite possibly some kind of prescient science wizard.
But He Also Did:
Duck erotica.
Duck. Erotica.
Back in the early 1920s, way before people came to know him as the Donald Duck Guy, Barks began his career at a racy men's magazine called the Calgary Eye-Opener, a job that involved penciling lots and lots of cartoon bazongas. He never lost that talent for drawing the female figure, but his ensuing years of drawing nothing but ducks ... transformed it, somewhat.
The little-known origin of Daisy Duck.
That's how Barks once envisioned himself during retirement: viewing a voluptuous nude model and drawing her as a duck. It's what he jokingly referred to as the "Duck Syndrome" -- his many years with Disney left him with an overpowering urge to stick a duck bill on literally everything.
Take that urge and mix it with his post-retirement hobby of painting, and the results are ... well, the results are this:
"What's a guy gotta do to get a bill job around here?"
All of his attempts to paint realistic, scantily clad females would have ended up as episodes of DuckTales that would've forced your parents' hands into giving you "the talk." He created an entire series entitled "Famous figures of history as they might have looked had their genes gotten mixed with waterfowl," and no, we didn't just make that up. The paintings ranged from duck-billed Aladdin:
We wish we hadn't seen this.
To contemporary settings, like the American frontier:
Even a shattered fibula can't undo the sexiness of casual racism.
But the common trend was ducks. Everybody was ducks. Ducks with boobs. The overt sexual themes of this series of course lead us to wonder: did the duckish part of this human-duck hybrid species stop at their faces, or did it perhaps extend a bit, um, further south? Let's just be glad Barks never took his duck obsession quite that far.
Osamu Tezuka Made an X-Rated Hentai
What You Know Him For:
If Walt Disney had a Japanese doppelganger, it would be Osamu Tezuka. As the creator of such properties as Astro Boy and Kimba the White Lion (which, interestingly, Disney would eventually create their own doppelganger of), Osamu is widely considered "the father of manga."
And as such, he popped out more offspring than a TLC reality star.
But He Also Did:
Conspicuously missing from that illustration of Osamu with his army of cartoon creations is Cleopatra: Queen of Sex.
In Japan, it was just called Cleopatra. The rest went without saying.
Released in 1970, Cleopatra bombed at the Japanese box office because -- let's face it -- even by anime standards, it's fucking weird. Supposedly inspired by 2001: A Space Odyssey, the movie opens with cartoon-headed, live-action future-people being "inserted" into some kind of time travel "tubes":
... which happens to be the least sexual scene in the film ...
And it only gets weirder from there. The characters travel back to an Ancient Egypt in which covering women's breasts has apparently been outlawed, and also where modern handguns exist, somehow.
Here, let's go down our "We're pretty sure Osamu was dropping acid when he came up with this shit" checklist: a literally olive-skinned Caesar who forces himself on random citizens?
Check.
Comedy relief in the form of a hump-happy cheetah?
Check.
Scantily averted gang rape?
Oh dear God, check.
When the movie was brought to America, the distributor tacked the "Queen of Sex" bit onto the title and applied a voluntary X rating in an attempt to drum up interest for what basically amounted to two hours of boob-filled insanity. It didn't help -- the movie utterly tanked and is generally viewed as a big ol' gulp of career poison to which Osamu luckily possessed a genetic immunity. Perhaps if they'd featured Caesar's wank-seizure more prominently in the marketing campaign ...
That's how they make Caesar dressing.
Lilo & Stitch Artist Does Suspiciously Familiar Pin-Ups
What You Know Him For:
Chris Sanders co-wrote, co-directed, and lent his unmistakable artistic style to movies such as Lilo & Stitch, How to Train Your Dragon, and The Croods. Inarguably rocking the gray look.
No, you didn't just mistakenly click over to Esquire. But come on, just look at it.
But He Also Does:
Some of his drawings in the aforementioned "unmistakable artistic style" are apparently designed to give you the most confusingly shameful boner of your life. Do a Google Image search for his name, and you'll be greeted by page after page of his pin-up work:
In the Sandersverse, the law of gravity is more of a suggestion, really.
You know the children's entertainment industry has come a long way when we've gone from Harlan Ellison getting canned from his writing job at Disney Studios for jokingly suggesting doing a "porn Disney flick," to a high-profile writer and director giddily selling his sketchbooks full of nude and semi-nude cartoon chicks. (We're not sure what destination we've arrived at, exactly, but we've come a long way.)
The sketches range from "wow, that ... that just looks uncomfortable":
The most lucrative career choice in the Sandersverse?
Chiropractor.
To "holy shit, that's got to be a nude drawing of a character from The Croods:"
Step 1: Masturbate to this. Step 2: Feel overwhelming shame the next time your cat looks at you.
And hey, remember that lingering shot of Lilo's big sister after she stepped out of the shower? You know, the one that damn nigh cost Lilo & Stitch its family-friendly PG rating? No? Well see if this rings a bell:
What type of scene is the bear filming, we wonder?
And we'll go ahead and say we're sorry for this one in advance (even though we totally aren't). We're not sure who she is, but since the Internet has taken to referring to her as a "grown-up Lilo" ... yeah, we'll just go with that.
That bikini could've used a couple extra stitches.
Why is it that "the Internet is always right" only seems to prove true when the answer is disturbing? Maybe we should pose that question to Yahoo Answers.
For more people with other talents, check out 5 Pleasant Surprises About Famous People You Had All Wrong and 18 WTF Post-Fame Lives of Former Celebrities.
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