In 2005, officer Ron Moore was tasked with the dangerous job of going undercover and exposing vice in the city of Lynnwood, Washington. His job was to infiltrate an establishment of alleged ill repute, the Classic Body Tonic Spa, posing as a customer. He was given $80 of department money and was wished godspeed on what was sure to be an incredibly perilous assignment.
Especially if the masseuse just ate.
He entered the den of iniquity, his heart racing and hands trembling, we assume. He was told to strip naked in the backroom. He bravely handed an Asian woman, Kim, $60 for a (deadly?) body wash. And then (according to the hilarious affidavit filed with the court and obtained by The Smoking Gun), he maintained his composure while the young Asian woman massaged his asshole 24 times in four minutes (he kept track). She obliviously continued soaping him up and down, until he bravely rolled over and allowed her to fondle his junk. After a thorough dong wash, Moore was offered oral sex.
Superior Court of Washington
"Fuck the police?"
Sadly, he had only $20 left, just enough for a topless handjob (which he bravely received to completion, while fondling the woman's breasts). Time for the cops to bust this shit up, right? Wrong. This is why you are not a cop.
No, Moore needed to go deeper. So, he arranged a second trip, just to make sure -- and this time he brought another intrepid officer along. This time Moore was assaulted by two naked women at the same time (his allowance had been increased to $200). His partner, Officer Brooks, braved an orgasm from another woman. Boom -- they had proven that the previous handjob was not just an isolated incident or a wacky cultural misunderstanding. Time to take down the operation and dispense some justice!
Joe Fox/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images
Among other things.
But again, Moore knew that the key to any investigation is patience. Sure, he knew that at least three women that worked there would perform sex acts, but what about the hostess? He couldn't leave this job without taking it to completion, so during another two-on-one session, he cleverly asked for the older woman who greets people at the door to join in, and she did. Well played, sir! Finally, Officer Moore had enough evidence (and no more money). As a result of all this fine detective work, two of the women were charged with prostitution and the world was made safer for ... someone. Probably.
But wait, did they learn their lesson? Is that parlor continuing to offer happy endings to customers willing to pay? Damn it, chief, there is only one way to find out.
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A cop's hard work is never done.
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For more professional screw-ups, check out The 5 Most Terrifying Ways Doctors Went Crazy on the Job and 5 Horrifying Tales Of 911 Incompetence.
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