The world is an indisputably safer place than it was, say, 1,000 years ago -- you have layer upon layer of technology keeping the world's horrors at bay. But at the end of the day, safety is an illusion, and this is never more obvious than when that lifesaving technology decides to turn on us in the most traumatizing way possible.
So, should you ever again decide to brave that hostile hellzone known as "outside," be sure to keep in mind that ...
5
Some Surgical Equipment Can Catch on Fire (If the Patient Farts on It)
Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images
To understand why some patients' asses spontaneously burst into flame on the operating table, you have to understand a few things about the tools surgeons use. You wouldn't think that the doctor would, say, whip out a blowtorch to repair an artery -- after all, you're not a cyborg (yet). But they do have something similar -- electrosurgical equipment, such as diathermy, use electric heat to cauterize blood vessels and prevent blood from spurting across the room. And under the right conditions, that shit can totally start a fire.
Keith Brofsky/Photodisc/Getty Images
"You better hope your insurance covers arson."
For instance, just as every frat boy who has won a fart-lighting contest can tell you, it doesn't take much to ignite methane. Back in 2006, a team of doctors in New Zealand were reminded of this the hard way: A man came in to have his hemorrhoids removed, which is pretty routine as far as ass surgeries go. But while using diathermy to cauterize the offending area, the patient cut the proverbial cheese, which sparked a flash fire in the middle of the operating room. It caused burns to the patient's nether regions, which is why none of this is remotely funny and we are not laughing even as we type this. We are relaying it purely as a cautionary tale.
Besides, it's not like it takes a one-in-a-million fart to create a flaming disaster in the operating theater. In 2002, a woman went to an Auckland, New Zealand, hospital to have herself a son. During the delivery (which was by cesarean section), the doctors' diathermy crossed with their disinfectant -- which is mostly alcohol -- and burst into flames. The mother suffered some burns, but the baby was unharmed (though we're assuming that having been born through a veil of hellfire means his entire life will be one long heavy metal album cover).
Thinkstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images
It took six paternity tests before they were sure that the real father wasn't Ronnie James Dio.